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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucked up big style.

183 replies

Fuckedupagain · 10/10/2011 19:47

I been sacked today.

For doing something inappropriate at work. Totally my own fault. Am devastated.

It involves another person, who is 3 days into a 2 week holiday with his df.

Aside from my own shame, embarrassment and general self-hatred, I don't know whether to try and get in contact with him. Nothing he can do, will ruin his holiday.

Such a fucking mess.

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 10/10/2011 21:24

Bloody hell Kayano - I have the mobile number of nearly all of my colleagues - it doesn't mean I am messing around with them, male or female so you can hardly draw any conclusions from that.

OP I would also give him a warning when he gets back from holiday. I'd also phrase it in such a way so that his DW does not suspect anything about what has gone on between the two of you. I'm not getting involved in arguments about whether she has the right to be told but the right way for her to be told is not in seeing some text or email from you. So I would phrase it kind of "OM, hope you had a good holiday. I just wanted to let you know that my contract was terminated while you were away because COMPANY have been looking at our emails and saw the comments we had made about EMPLOYEE. They may go easier on you since you are not on a temp contract but I wanted to warn you before you go into work" or something like that. Then concentrate on your marriage.

Sorry by the way - you know you've been a fool but it is still harsh to lose your job over it.

ImperialBlether · 10/10/2011 21:24

Just to throw the cat amongst the pigeons, refusal to have sex within a marriage is grounds for divorce. So the OP has behaved badly. Her DH is hardly an innocent party if he's refusing to have sex with her.

Kayano · 10/10/2011 21:36

Oh if this thread was about a man.... Hmm

I'm off, I really can't take too much of the double standards. So now
It's DH fault for not having sex, when we don't know the reasons why? If he was a
Woman who's husband had done that it would be very different on this thread...

Sarah... I assume you have not had serious sexy exchanges with all your work colleages though? OP should delete his number full stop. She is in contact with him if she is thinking of giving him a 'heads up' on his holidays, and she should NOT have his number if this is 'in the past' like she says Hmm

AgentProvocateur · 10/10/2011 21:37

Good advice, SarahBumBarer.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 10/10/2011 21:41

It's nobodies fault apart from my own. I know this, and won't forget in a hurry, if ever.

OP posts:
PosiePetrifyingParker · 10/10/2011 21:53

It's not double standards, usually a woman stops wanting sex because she's post baby or traumatic birth.,.....

SarahBumBarer · 10/10/2011 22:01

Not since I got married anyway Kayano! But OP got sacked and presumably since then has been wondering whether to forewarn OM that at the very least a bollocking awaits him at work so I just don't think it is fair to criticise her for that.

Thank you AP

TheSecondComing · 10/10/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosiePetrifyingParker · 10/10/2011 22:30

OP has lost her job, very very harsh.

OP I feel sorry for you, don't EVER tell your DH unless you feel it will serve you well. Give your DH and yourself a timeframe in which you resume a normal marriage or leave. I can't imagine how soul destroying it must be to live with someone that doesn't want me, in that way.

Take care of yourself....create a great CV and get another job.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 07:26

Thank you.

I really don't deserve any sympathy, this is 100% my fault.

Haven't slept a wink, feel very sick and heart racing.

What a fucking mess.

To those who suggested counselling, last thread I started it was suggested too, def think I need to sort it, try and get over my constant need for attention. Sad

OP posts:
TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 11/10/2011 07:43

Just because it's your fault doesn't mean you don't deserve any sympathy, everyone fucks up sometimes. Spose the thing to do is to learn from your mistakes.
Also, I think your company is a little over the top - they probably just needed to cut costs anyway and took the easy option.
Good luck with finding a new job :)

twankie · 11/10/2011 08:03

Fuckedupagain...I really feel for you, I do. Posy gives some really good advice..and as long as you know you want to be with dh, then I would say, take it. The story is that you were sacked because of 'inappropriate' comments (though that is rife where I work and people would not be sacked for just that - public sector though). DON'T tell dh.. his and your son's world will be smashed to smithereens... Look, I was in a similar situation where I thought (a very short) affair with another man was about to be made public, and that everyone at work - including dh - would find out..It's a long tale.. it didn't come out..but I ws sick thinking it was about to be for weeks on end...I rode it out. I had varying advice on here..and took the option not to tell dh. I will live with the fact I fucked up hugely but it was a reality check on just what I did have. You sound like you're punishing yourself enough. Get STD tested (if that's relevant), ride these feelings out, try and find another job - will you have a reference? )sorry not read all thread); repair your marriage and learn the lesson. It will pass and good luck. You made a mistake..you know that...no-one's perfect..it doesn't mean you're a bad person..just made some wrong decisions along the line..for whatever reason x

babyhammock · 11/10/2011 08:14

What twankie said.
Don't tell DH, you have enough on your plate with everything else.
Dust yourself down and prepare for finding another job..
Then you need to decide whether you really want to be with DH... 3 years of no affection is very hard.
Just take things slowly and please don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.
Goodluck x

Landedgentry · 11/10/2011 08:52

Why were your employers looking through your E mails in the first place OP? I can't imagine that this was routine monitoring and assume that they knew something and went to find the evidence afterwards.

You mention other threads. Can you link?

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 09:31

It was instant messenger.

We were told a month ago there was going to be am crack down, I didn't use it after this point, but they obviously searched everyone's, or anyone thatcwas using it more than would be "necessary"

Stupid me didn't realise there would be logs kept

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 11/10/2011 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConstanceNoring · 11/10/2011 09:35

It seems weird to announce a crack down and then go back over old messages. If really all they wanted was the instant messenger not to be misused that would have done the trick and then to monitor it for people still abusing it.

Sounds like they wanted shot of you anyway I'm afraid.

Landedgentry · 11/10/2011 09:38

How many in the company? That would have been a very time-consuming thing to do and would have taken days if not weeks reading everyone's past and present communications. So I'm not sure I believe that and think it's more likely that you or him were singled out.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 09:38

Yes but I made inappropriate comments about my boss, and also used the system far too much, when they argue that I should. Have been working.

Misue of company communication is a sackable offfence, and given I have only been there 3 months I don't think I have a leg to stand on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 09:40

Lots and lots in company.

I guess it would be easy to see who had been sending high volumes of messages, and the read those?

I haven't been singled out, the shit thing is I was doing really well.

OP posts:
Landedgentry · 11/10/2011 09:41

I don't think you've got a leg to stand on either, but I don't believe that this is how they found out.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 11/10/2011 09:45

They had print outs of every conversation

OP posts:
Snorbs · 11/10/2011 09:47

It's possible that there was some other dodgy Instant Messenger-related stuff going on that was nothing to do with the OP but that triggered the company to announce the crack-down and to start searching through messages. The company then went trawling through the logs to find evidence of whatever the original issue was and they happened to stumble across the OP's messages. Eg if the original problem was one of a random staff member using IM to sexually harass other people then they might just have searched for sex-related words.

I also think they can retrospectively do that if the original contract had stipulations regarding use of electronic communications. I've worked in a lot of companies that told staff it was all logged, and did indeed record all sorts of stuff, but didn't often bother to go through the logs unless there was either a good reason to or some director happened got a bee in his/her bonnet about it.

Rindercella · 11/10/2011 09:49

So, many people in the company and yet they singled out your specific messages retrospectively? Sounds like they have found something to get you on I am afraid.

I really feel for you. I don't think you should contact the OM. Perhaps instead focus on your marriage and get to the root of your problems. Hopefully this will be the kick you needed to get your life into healthy shape.

ConstanceNoring · 11/10/2011 09:49

I'm going to be unusually (for me) harsh here..

You've had the job three months, and in that time you've abused the messenger facility on company time, you've got involved with one your colleagues and you've slagged off the boss? How old are you honestly?

I can't say I blame them one little bit. It is the kick up the arse you need.

Why do you think you have done this, when you had got yourself a good job and you are mending things in your marriage?