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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DP came home and said he had a private dance at a strip club....

227 replies

LilllyLovesLife · 08/10/2011 18:40

What would your reaction be?

OP posts:
tadpoles · 09/10/2011 10:54

I wouldn't particularly mind if my partner went to one of those places, per se. What does bother me though is that they treat their staff so badly. The places are legal so how can they get away with such shabby treatment of their staff - surely they should be covered by some kind of employment legislation? That is the real scandal here. If the women were properly looked after as employees and the rules were enforced with regards to 'just looking' then you could look at it more as a type of strip-tease or burlesque.

With regards to the argument about the OPs partner being easily lead - well, yes, that is probably one of the main reasons people find themselves in those types of places. A few drinks, a bit bored, let's egg each other on, CURIOSITY - hey presto. This seems to be the way things go on a lads' night out and especially on a stag night.

Has anyone here never been egged on to do something that, in the cold light of day and stone cold sober, was probably not a very good idea?

As for the idea of male strippers - I find it quite funny, not degrading. I have been to a few burlesque type shows where the male dancers have pretty much stripped off and they were highly entertaining.

wantadvice · 09/10/2011 10:55

8 months in and he is telling you what he is like. Personally it would be far too soon for me for him to be meeting my dc never mind babysitting. The spinelessness and having a private dance would be enough for me to realise the relationship was not going to go anywhere. I am no prude but find it hard to reconcile that he returned from a private lap dance and tehn babysat your dds.

tadpoles · 09/10/2011 10:55

And don't tell me that they were forced into it through poverty and five small children at home to feed - they were dance/drama students or aspiring performers and I can tell you they loved every minute of flexing their biceps in front of dozens of admiring women!

wantadvice · 09/10/2011 10:58

Should I that I dont mean in any way by my post that he would be a danger to your dds. Two separate things altogether.
WHy does objecting to the exploitation of women equate to hysteria?
Honestly, those silly women making such a fuss over nothing. Hmm

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 10:58

Thank you proud and tadpoles.

I am going to leave the thread now as people are not listening and have made up their mind. I wish I had never asked now, I don't think I would bother in future.

Thank you to the people who listened and advised, it has helped and I feel confident to talk to him this afternoon.

OP posts:
CristinadellaPizza · 09/10/2011 11:00

You asked what people's reactions would be OP. They answered you honestly. Sorry you didn't like some of the responses but you can hardly complain they're not listening Hmm

wantadvice · 09/10/2011 11:00

Your question was what would we do if our dp came home and said he had a private dance at a strip club, what would our reaction be?
Not sure why you asked this if you didnt want to actually hear peoples opinions, only the ones that were going to agree with you and your partner.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 11:02

Wantadvice: It is not hysterical to object to lap dancing clubs - I share that view.

What is hysterical is the tone and content of some posts.

And Bubble who holds extremely dogmatic and strident views seems to take it personally if an OP doesn't leave their partner at her command.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 11:03

As I said? Why bother asking. Only to flounce, thanking the minority. The truth can be harsh. Granted. You asked.

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 11:04

I did want to listen to everybodys opinions, and I have done and its all been taken into account. But how can people say my DP must be a sleezy perv etc when they don't have a clue? Just based on one situation? Dispite the fact this is mega out of character and i have explained a million times that I 100% it is not his thing.

OP posts:
mycatoscar · 09/10/2011 11:05

I think if my dh did this I would be upset that he was more bothered about losing face in front of his mate, than upsetting me.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 11:06

Proud, I couldn't give a shit if op stays or not her choice. As long as she knows this is the real him.

I object to people asking for opinion, then others trying to silence opinion.

So cut your attitude out towards me. Thanks.

wantadvice · 09/10/2011 11:10

For me, Lillyloveslive, it would be an unforgiveable thing even if he claims he was coerced (vom emiticon) and it was once. It goes against my whole,and I hope his, moral foundations, it would be a deal breaker. I could not be with someone who supported, even once, strip clubs nor would I want them around my dds. I think it's the way you and he are justifying it as a one off, he was forced etc that is irritating. An adult isnt forced into something they truly disagree with unless completely spineless and I couldnt be with someone or allow my children to have a close relationship with some I did not respect.

CristinadellaPizza · 09/10/2011 11:11

I could have no respect for a man who doesn't have the courage of his convictions. Nor could I be with a man who had friends who thought that going to lap dancing clubs was a 'fun' night out.

So I doubt I'd ever be in that situation in the first place but were I to find myself in your shoes, I would dump him.

worldgonecrazy · 09/10/2011 11:13

Coming in late to thread but I would not be bothered except maybe that he was out having fun without me. Both of us know a few ex strippers, lap dancers, pole dancers and even an ex-escort. They are all nice women with no oogey-boogey past who were just doing it to earn money, had a lot of fun doing it and can laugh at the odd creepy client they did get.

I'd be annoyed if he was spending money we didn't have, but otherwise, no problem.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 11:13

Actually Bubble - OP asked 'what would your reaction be?' not 'What shall I say/do to my partner?'.

Subtle difference but rather important.

teahouse · 09/10/2011 11:14

£10 is very cheap for a dance!

I got 'treated' to one a few years ago but a guy I was doing some consultancy work for - we'd been out for a working dinner and went on for drinks to unwind; I don't really know London well so was kind of suprised by the venue but hey - it was an experience!

Having had a personal dance (albeit a far more expensive one - £100) I can say with some authority that I'm not suprised your partner didn't enjoy it. It was in no way sexy - just sleazy with the woman over made up, wearing something so small it was silly, and trained to make noises and say things that probably came from some 1970s soft porn film - honestly it was laughable.

He told you he'd been, so he clearly trusts you and wants to be honest and open (although maybe I'm being really naive here; sounds like most posters will find my post highly contentious).

I would have just had a laugh with him about it to be honest, and ask him to be a little more assertive next time.

And if he is lying and does it again, you were tolerant initially and gave him the benefit of the doubt, and by being so nice you have every reason to react very differently should it be the start of something else.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 11:22

Yes... That's what people told her too proud. The overwhing majority said in that situation, the lack of spine 8 months in would probably be the biggest deal breaker. Then the lap dance etc. People told her how they'd react, she didn't agree.

Op made this thread without those views. So why even ask? I think she was looking for boys will be boys type responses tbh.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 11:26

Look, the fact you said you 'don't give a shit' about OP's decision is illuminating. Why get so seemingly impassioned when you are not even concerned about OP's feelings?
I have to go now.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 11:33

Because I dont. She is a stranger on the net. It's her choice. I do despair though when men tell women what they are like. They stick their fingers in their ears and refuse to listen.

It's how women end up in shit relationships, when they could have avoided all that if they spotted the real person earlier. Listened to who they were.

I'm responding because people are questioning me.

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 11:46

Bubblegumpop - but what makes you think that you know my DP better than I do? I have known him for years before we got together, I KNOW he is a good guy.

OP posts:
ScareyFairenuff · 09/10/2011 11:48

OP your main problem is that your dp is either lying to you or unable to resist peer pressure.

You have decided, knowing him as you do, that it's peer pressure which made him do this.

So now you know, you have a man who will disregard your feelings, disrespect you and put your relationship at risk all because 'everybody else was doing it'. This, along with 'I was drunk' are the main excuses offered for this type of behaviour.

What if his friend had been egging him on, putting him under pressure, paid on his behalf for him to have a blow job? How would he resist then. Where are his boundaries. What would make him say no. These are the questions I would be asking myself. Because if he CANNOT say no to one thing, how on earth can he say no to another.

And if he could be strong enough to turn down a blow job then that means that he is NOT suffering from peer pressure at all. He CAN say no, control his own limbs and walk away BEFORE accepting a dance/blow job.

And if he CAN do it, then he chose not to. Which makes him a liar.

See where logical thinking gets you?

Not saying you have to leave him, that's up to you. BUt 8 months is not a long time to know the real person.

Either way, I couldn't trust him if he happily admits that he can't control himself. No trust would kill the relationship for me.

Lifeissweet · 09/10/2011 11:52

Lilyloveslife - I would probably be confused in this situation too and would want to know what people thought.

My opinion is that you know this man and I believe you when you say he didn't actively look for this or enjoy it.

My problem would be that he ended up in this situation because of his friends - one of whom you say does this quite often. If this has happened once, what are the chances of it happening again? Or a trip to a brothel? or some other such sleazy behaviour. If your DP's nasty friend wants a companion to do these things with then who better than someone who isn't going to say no because he feels uncomfortable with saying no and goes along with things?

I would be worried that my DP had friends who thought this way about women. It would make me wonder why. I could certainly never be friends with someone who objectifies anyone, so how can he do it? You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep.

However, I would also not be prepared to start telling my DP who he could and couldn't be friends with. That would fuel a situation where his friends start teasing him for being under the thumb and making you out to be some sort of joyless shrew trying to spoil his fun. This is a decision he would have to make for himself and you can't influence it. He has chosen these people to be his friends and to spend time with already, so it doesn't look like he's going to change his mind anytime soon. That would be a big red flag to me.

Apart from anything else, if he really found the whole experience embarrassing and tacky and his friend forced him into it, why on Earth would he want to be friends with a tosser who would put him into situations knowing how uncomfortable he would be. Nice friend!

Lifeissweet · 09/10/2011 11:57

and I definitely think Scarey has a point about the boundaries. At some point something would push him far enough that he would have to say no - we all have different lines we would never cross. It would seem that a private lap dance did not push his boundaries far enough in that it was easier for him to go along with it than to say no. That is a worrying choice in itself and it does tell you something.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 11:57

No lilly, you are just starting to find out what he is like to be with in a, I presume, monogamous relationship. 8 months is about the time the veneer starts to fade....

He's not what you thought. His actions and excuses, speak volumes about who he is. Like the poster above said, logical thinking. Easy when you are detached and looking in.

Does the majority of posters saying the same thing about his character, or their impression of it, not tell you anything? No. Because you have already decided, it's all mistake and he's not this guy people are describing.

Like I said, best of luck.