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Original poster

If your DP came home and said he had a private dance at a strip club....

227 replies

LilllyLovesLife · 08/10/2011 18:40

What would your reaction be?

OP posts:
Lifeissweet · 08/10/2011 21:07

Don't start on the whole male stripper argument either - It's not relevant. Although I find that repulsive too, there is nowhere near the same power imbalance in that situation and the stripper in question is rarely exploited, intimidated or put in physical danger. It's just as tacky and hideous, but not the same thing as lap dancing clubs.

Lifeissweet · 08/10/2011 21:09

Well - you don't have to Kayano, because you're talking hypothetically, which is a good thing. It's good to think about these things and where you stand on them, though, just in case it did come up at some point.

I think you are making your point perfectly clear, by the way, and I understand exactly what you are saying. I would have said exactly the same a while ago, but I'm better read now and have a bit more self esteem and don't mind saying I don't like it and won't put up with it.

Kayano · 08/10/2011 21:13

Believe me lifeissweet I will look into it more but it's just not an issue I've ever had to confront before. I also agree male stripping is no where near the same.

I overall have enjoyed this thread and have learned a lot.
I do like MN and it's differing
Perspectives Grin

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 09:16

Hi, sorry I did the OP and then went out so didn't check back. I haven't really said much to him about it, I was a bit shocked and didn't know if I should be annoyed or not. I don't like it though.

I will explain the situation a bit more, and it might make a bit more sence.

He was out with a friend for some drinks after work. Friend conviences him to go to a strip club, which isn't his thing but DP isn't the best one for arguing his case (he is quiet and shy/bit of a follower). He went there on the promise that it was going to be a chilled out drink, but with strippers around, no more. They then went in and his Friend put him on the spot, paid the dancer and said he wanted a dance (he didn't). He then felt he couldn't not do it without causing a bit of an issue/people were watching/didn't want to stand out etc. So he did it. He said he did not enjoy it, didn't want to do it and hated it.

I feel like crying when I think about it! I don't mind the strip club but the private dance thing is too much for me. He said his friend does it on a regular basis (who also has a gf, who is pregnant).

I don't know what to say. I feel I need to say something but I don't want to cause arguements when he didn't even want to do it.

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 09:35

Yeah they held a gun to his head. He chose to take that dance. He wanted that dance.

What utter bollox he has spun you. Yeah he was forced to have a naked lady throw her bits in his face. He really hated it.

He is a weak man. He is telling you porkies love.

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 09:43

I don't know bubblegumpop - he honestly isn't really like that. He doesn't feel comfortable with stuff like that and I know this from the past. His friends are all into it but always joke about how he must be gay or whatever because he never wants to go. He generally hated the explotation of women etc. When me and him first got together (only 8 months ago). It was honestly not about sex for quite a long time, he was extremly nervous, doesn't rreally like the whole thing of having sex etc with somebody your not in love with etc.
Although I agree he is weak for not standing up to his friend. But he is like this with everything, always doing things he doesn't want to because somebody puts pressure on him.

OP posts:
giyadas · 09/10/2011 09:44

I agree with Bubblegumpop, there's always a mate who made them do it, the men never wanted to and totally didn't enjoy it.
If that's true, it's a wonder that these places stay in business really.

ShroudOfHamsters · 09/10/2011 09:44

'He then felt he couldn't not do it without causing a bit of an issue/people were watching/didn't want to stand out etc'

Oh, so that's all it takes for him to cheat on you... he'd rather trash your relationship in public than 'cause a bit of an issue'

In that case I'd leave him for being a spineless wanker as well as a cheat.

'I don't want to cause arguements when he didn't even want to do it.'

HA!! Oh my dear, he wanted to do it all right. It's just the talking his way out of it that's the less fun part.

If you fall for all this, you're a fool.

Doha · 09/10/2011 09:44

Liar liar pants on fire
Bottom line OP, he paid and got the dance, his money his choice
He was too weak to say no..??????
Rubbish

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 09:46

BUT he told me openly about it (he could easily of not, I would of had no way of finding out) and I think he thought I would be OK with it.

OP posts:
raspberrytipple · 09/10/2011 09:46

I agree with bubblegum. He didn't have to have it, what a load of bull. He didn't have to go in there, you cant have a chilled out drink in a stripclub, it's loud music, loads of woman pestering them to have a dance. It's not chilled out, he's a liar or completely naive, either way I think he'd get a serious bollocking

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 09:46

Doha - he didn't pay for the dance or ask for it. It was £10 and his mate paid for it knowing he didn't want it.

OP posts:
ShroudOfHamsters · 09/10/2011 09:46

'He generally hated the explotation of women etc.'

Well he seems to have got over that little hurdle just fine, eh?

8 months in? Leave him - he's simply not worth it. You have a problem with this, and quite rightly so. The kind of man who would do this isn't one I'd want to be with, and I can say hand on heart that after 8 months the far better option is to move on and find a man who actually means it when he says he's not a misogynistic pig.

Kayano · 09/10/2011 09:47

I think he sounds like my DH (as discussed in detail below) ... If I were you I would have a sit down chat and a heart to heart. I would want to know what had happened and had he touched etc, but then it is down to you and your feelings.

If you made him aware how much it hurt you and has played on your mind would he do it again or do you think it was a one off and he will know better next time?

My DH is a bit of a follower too tbh but if I made him aware I was uncomfortable or unhappy about it he
Would not do it again iyswim?

PhilipJFry · 09/10/2011 09:48

Sorry, but is he really that naive that he thought he was negotiating to go to a strip club for a "quiet drink"?

He needs to learn to stand up for himself and do what he wants to and what he feels is right, rather than following what others are doing.

If it really did go down how he told you then his friends sounds pretty lousy as well, honestly. I would be upset in your position, and I'd probably try and make it clear that if he was reluctant he could have said "No" and had that be the end of it.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 09:48

Yeah he is such an unsung hero, campaigning against exploitation of women, yadda, yadda. But he couldn't say no. Not that interested in the protection of women then?

This is your real husband, spineless and a liar. Unless they held a gun to his head, he made this choice freely. Remember that.

He is playing you for a fool.

HoneyMomster · 09/10/2011 09:50

Well you know your dh better than we do.

Whether he wanted to or not, he still did it. So I think you're well within your rights to express your feelings on this. He thought you wouldn't mind? Well let him know you do. He'll know what's at stake the next time his mates start hssling him.

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 09:56

No, he had never been in one before and I honestly think he didn't know it was going to be like that. He didn't touch and when he went into the private bit he told her she didn't have to do anything and it was just his mate but she did anyway. He said he was just so embarrassed about it all (which, knowing him personally, I believe). And that he felt sorry for the woman, who seemed a bit offended that he was obviously not enjoying it.

Kayano - yes that sounds very similar and i do think if he knew it would be a bit issue for me then I don't think he would of done it, and I don't think he would do it again even if I did allow it. He left straight after the dance, leaving his friend there, and came straight home to me, and told me about it and said it totally freaked him out.

If he was lying - why would he even mention it? I wasn't expecting him home so he wouldn't of even needed to lie.

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 09:57

Ohh god 8 months in dump him. Do you really want this for your life. A man who is too weak to say no....that's how affairs start no?

Someone who is showing themselves to be not what you thought. Life is too short to be dealing with this in the honeymoon faze. Move on find someone that's not so spineless.

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 10:00

It's not really like that bubblegumpop - honestly. He is amazing generally. Great with my 2DDs, helps majorly with the housework, pays his way, would generally do anything for me/my kids.

I am not going to end it with him over this, but I just don't know how to approach it making it clear I don't want it to happen again.

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 10:00

He felt so sorry for her, he let her carry on whilst she danced. Yeah sure. He felt do bad, he hates exploitation of women and he was forced too.

He had no free choice at all.

Nice catch op Hmm

Kayano · 09/10/2011 10:00

I think I would then let him know it was a no no and if it happens again then take action and leave him. But I don't think I'd write him off going fro
What you have told us tbh

Grin (but I am clearly thread minority lol)

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 10:01

bubblegumpop - I think your taking what I am saying the wrong way, I am not saying he was totally innocent in this, but also, he is not some sleezy perv that would be doing this every week

OP posts:
PhilipJFry · 09/10/2011 10:04

From what you've said it seems like the underlying problem is his lack of assertion and ability to stand up to people and do what he wants, rather than what he is being pressured to do. I'd guess that the odd situation like this will keep popping up so long as he feels that he has to tag along and gives in under pressure. Perhaps you could talk to him about that? Maybe he wants to be more self-confident but doesn't know how to develop it.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 10:04

No. I'm just pointing out the obvious. He is spineless and can't say no. All his morals and feelings, if he were telling the truth, he'd have just said no.

You are asking for opinions, that's mine, the spineless man playing the liddle ole me, they made me do it card. He chose to.

If that's the role model you want as a man for your dd's crack on.

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