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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If your DP came home and said he had a private dance at a strip club....

227 replies

LilllyLovesLife · 08/10/2011 18:40

What would your reaction be?

OP posts:

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GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:47

But why is it only ok if he's with the lads kayano WHY?

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 08/10/2011 20:48

My reaction would be to end the relationship right away.

It's got nothing to do with "cheating (or not cheating)" or "jealousy (or feeling secure enough not to be jealous)". It's about the fact that any person going to a lap-dancing club is willing to see another human being as not fully human, and to compartmentalise and use them as a sex object instead.

HoneyMomster · 08/10/2011 20:48

I do Gumball.
I was teenager when Friends came out and we all loved it. The first time I heard of porn/lap dancing/strippers was on Friends. It was always always presented as a harmless chucklesome boys will be boys little activity for the guys, while the girls indulged their silly antics. It totally normalised the whole industry for me and my friends (in a rural convent no where near any RL sex industry - but we felt like experts in it) I'm sure we were not alone. And of course the internet exploded shortly afterwards.
There was a really good thread in the FWR section quite some time ago about it.

RollOnTheMum · 08/10/2011 20:49

Would/have any of you women ever been to a Chippendale show or giggled at a male stripper at a party? It goes both ways!

ScareyFairenuff · 08/10/2011 20:49

Kayano

I mean that there are no other men 'egging him on', just him and the girl.

I think this 'egging on' is where you think it's OK. You can convince yourself that it's not his choice. The friends are to blame. He wouldn't do it otherwise.

But what I am asking you is, if this happened as I described in your living room with no other men present and you knew in advance, would that be OK with you?

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:50

Because as I said earlier... I can only speak for my DH and that is the only time he would be in a lap dancing situation...

I can only answer in regards to my DH and have tried to get this across...

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:53

Well he would be just with the girl in the room or booth... ? But the 'lads ' would be elsewhere...

In my hypothetical situation... I'm confusing myself now.

Either way I know he wouldn't touch or get extras so that's really all I'm bothered about...

HoneyMomster · 08/10/2011 20:53

You must feel a bit got at Kayano it's definitely not my intention and I don't think the other either! But I'm just interested where you draw the line iyswim, and why.

ScareyFairenuff · 08/10/2011 20:53

I can only speak for my DH but I can answer the question. No I would not be ok with him having a lap dance in our living room with his hands on his knees.

I am asking how you would feel about that situation.

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:54

Rollon No. I wouldn't want to see a bunch of baby-oiled strangers gyratng their bits thanks.

In fact there was an interesting case where a woman who was having a hen party had the male stripper charged with assualt after he grabbed her and di the whole routine that they do...she said she felt terrible...the girls had booked him and she hated it...he forced her to kneel and feel his chest and all that....she felt violated.

Not ALL women would feel that way. I would though.

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:54

Yea it would scary if he didn't touch lol.

But that would not happen with my DH

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:55

I just don't think Kayano gets the bigger picture here. I keep trying to point it out...

PeppermintPumpkin · 08/10/2011 20:56

No I haven't RollOnTheMum, and I never would. Not because I think it is the same(I don't) but because I find it mind numbingly dull and off putting. It all comes down to economics in the end. Despite there being plenty of men in exploited positions in the sex industry, I would say that these numbers simply pale into insignificance when cf with women.(I have no statistics). Women still do not have equality with men and the system we live in will never allow it. I'm loath to start going on about capitalism and womens' oppression, as I suspect tumbleweed will appear the minute I do this!!-but that's where I'm coming from.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 08/10/2011 20:56

Rollon No.

But given the vastly different status that women and men are given in our society wrt sex roles, the two cannot be directly equated with a simple "It goes both ways!"

ScareyFairenuff · 08/10/2011 20:56

OK Kayano, each to their own.

ScareyFairenuff · 08/10/2011 20:57

At least you know what to get him for Christmas

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:57

Peppermint do go on about it...I'm listening.

PeppermintPumpkin · 08/10/2011 20:58

ah well said IMAMPN. Lot more bloody succinct than me

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 08/10/2011 21:00

why thank you fellow Pumpkin.

PeppermintPumpkin · 08/10/2011 21:01

well, ....ha! x-post there. I'm cutting and running out the door(off to my second job as a "hostess".... Well, out to the pub for a beer actually, but will be back later. Happy debating

Lifeissweet · 08/10/2011 21:01

This is passage from one of the lap dancer's testimonials on the Object site linked to up thread...

Why do you think some women do not take issue with strip clubs when their
husbands and boyfriends visit?

They don?t take issue with it because it is presented as simply striptease. They have no idea what actually goes on inside the clubs.

If a woman?s boyfriend is off to a strip club then she may feel pressured not to take issue because she doesn?t want to be perceived as unliberal or prudish. And she also probably imagines it will simply involve him watching another woman take her clothes off.

Of course if that same woman knew that her boyfriend was actually going to be
allowing a woman to touch him, put her breasts in his face, show him her vagina while she fingered it, maybe even let him finger her, put her face in his crotch, gyrated against him until he came?etc etc. suddenly she might not feel so liberal about it. Suddenly that might actually feel like infidelity. But women don?t know what really goes on because not many women go to strip clubs.

Kayano · 08/10/2011 21:01

I'm not trying to get the 'bigger picture' because it's not applicable to me iyswim? If DH had a dance I wouldn't e bothered...

If he got extras or 'nipple in mouth' new fave MN saying btw... Then I would be pissed.

Regardless of location

But as it stands with my DH if he cane and said he had a private dance in a booth (or dining room) I would not care as I know my DH and know what he would NOT do ....

I don't really feel got at, but I am finding it hard to explain why I feel the way I do. My answer to all questions was only in relation to my DH and trust, not big picture, not exploitation etc...

Bloody hell I'm knackered now

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Lifeissweet · 08/10/2011 21:03

Would you not like him a little less for going along with treating women like that, though, Kayano? Even if he was just there and not involved? i would think less of my DP if he didn't stand up for himself and refuse to go on those grounds.

gapants · 08/10/2011 21:03

male strippers- gag

Kayano · 08/10/2011 21:06

Life is sweet, I don't think me or DH have ever even thought of it from that perspective because it is such an extremely rare occasion for him to even go out let alone go to one of those clubs that I haven't even thought to think less of him froma
Moral perspective

Flip

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