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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DP came home and said he had a private dance at a strip club....

227 replies

LilllyLovesLife · 08/10/2011 18:40

What would your reaction be?

OP posts:
giyadas · 09/10/2011 10:05

No, he's the type of sleazy perv who'll only do it occasionally.
so that's ok then.

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 10:10

He won't do it occasionally, it was a one off that he didn't intend to do. He is honestly not a sleazy perv - if you knew him then you would know this.

He is an excellent role model for my DDs. Obviously not on this one occasion, but everybody does the odd thing that isn't being a good role model and everybody makes mistakes.

OP posts:
Doha · 09/10/2011 10:13

I'm not saying leave him coz of the lapdance.
I am more shocked by the spineless act and not being able to stand up forhimself and say no to his friends.
He obvioulsy doesn't know you that well OP if he thought you would be OK with it and perhaps you don't know him as well as you thought you did.
This alone would make me question our relationship.

wantadvice · 09/10/2011 10:13

Interesting that some see it as okay as they trust their partners etc. The trust thing is a given anyway. For me, the far more important issue would be how dh views women and exploitation etc. THat would concern me far more. I wouldtn have married him if he was the sort of person to go to such a place, even once, as it would say a lot about the sort of person he is and that's not the sort of person I'd want ot be married to.

wantadvice · 09/10/2011 10:15

Lillyloveslife - I wonder how your dh would feel if it were one of your dds there doing the dance? I couldnt get over such a low opinion of women. Absolutely crap he was forced. Being that spineless is shocking.

Doha · 09/10/2011 10:15

x post
he didn't make a mistake OP
HE WAS SPINELESS AND COULDN'T STAND UP FOR HIMSELF TO HIS FRIEND

This man who obviously has no repect for women IS NOT a good role model for your DD OP and shame on you if you think he is..

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 10:16

Ofc they do. No one is perfect. But he is telling you who he really is here so listen.

He's not some hero against exploitation of women. He's also spineless and won't take responsibility for things.

8 months you don't know him either, he's just starting to show you. Isn't that why a lot of people wait about a year to introduce dcs, by then you start to see the real them.

Anyway good luck, I think you'll be needing it.

wantadvice · 09/10/2011 10:17

Lol at your dh being forced against his will into the club then being forced against his will again into a private dance. The poor thing. He must have been kicking and screaming all the way.
Actually I think such spinelessness would bother me more in a partner than anything else. What if you or your dd were being forced into something against your wills. WOuld he have stuck up for you or gone along with it?

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 10:17

Hi OP - have only read first and last pages of this thread but can totally imagine the way it's gone! Have seen many threads like this.
I would be pretty upset, and disgusted if my dh did this - and totally shocked as it would be out of character. But of course I wouldn't leave him! He, like your dh, is a good guy, a faithful husband and a great dad. I totally agree that everyone makes mistakes and I tear my hair out that people can urge someone to leave their dh's knowing the scantest of facts and not seeing the broder picture! Hope you are ok xx

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 10:18

Oh dear three 'totally's in one post Blush

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 10:19

Argghhh broader, not broder

Must stop doing 700 things at once

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 10:26

Thank you proudnreallyveryscary :-)

OP posts:
HoneyMomster · 09/10/2011 10:30

Thing is it's not a DH, the relationship is only 8 months old. (Which I missed earlier). Now is about the time the Real Person shows through in a relationship.

Yes everyone makes mistakes, but actions do speak louder than words. (cliche overload)

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 10:31

I agree he was an idiot to not say no, but I also understand how he feels under peer pressure. He doesn't have a strong personalilty, he did say no but eventually agreed. I totally believe him on this because that is just what he is like. I know we have been together only 8months but I have known him as a person for about 7 years and my very close friends have known him extremly well since childhood - so it's not like I am starting from scratch, I know what sort of guy he is and it is certainly not a sleezy perv!

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 10:32

They aren't married. They have been together 8 months. It changes things, at that stage the real person is coming out.

I never understand ops who want opinions. When they have already made their mind up Hmm ignoring and excusing the majority whilst listening to the minority.

It's really pointless.

pink4ever · 09/10/2011 10:34

You have been with this guy for 8 months and he has a stripper grinding on him-vom. No he was not forced to do it-he is a grown man. No he is not a good role model to your dds-how can you bear to have him anywhere near him when you know he has done this?

I strongly suspect that my dh has been to one of these establishments but cant prove it. But he knows full well if I ever found out he had been to one I would not forgive him. Having a private dance is akin to going with a prostitute imo.

pink4ever · 09/10/2011 10:35

lily-he is not a sleazy perve?Hmm no he is just a guy who lets a woman grind on him. ffs Listen to what your are saying

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 10:36

Umm Bubble, this isn't AIBU so OP is allowed to ask the question, ponder, disagree, explore etc in a safe and supportive space.

OP to state the bleeding obvious, only you know your partner well and you have to trust your instincts.

I'm off as got nothing more to add but again, good luck and hope you're ok

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 10:40

Ofc they are proud. Although threads like this, where the op have clearly defended their stance already.

They aren't after opinions, help or advice.

Just confirmation they aren't the only ones who would put up with it.

Original poster
LilllyLovesLife · 09/10/2011 10:41

I am not ignoring you, honestly, I am taking all replies into consideration. But obviously, saying "leave him" isn't really going to help. I can't just end my relationship because a mumsnetter told me to.

I am 100% sure he is not a sleezy perv. I do know him, very well. He is very similar to me and he doesn't lie to me. I trust him, more than I ever trusted anybody before. We are not really in the "new" stage of the relationship, we moved pretty quick, we are together most days and my DDs adore him.

If it makes a difference, while his friend stayed at the strip club, he came home to babysit my DDs so I could have a night out. This is the kind of person he is, he would do anything for us.

I know he should of said no, and I will be talking this through with him later. But he would of been the same even if it was something non pery that he didn't want to do. Ie if they wanted to go to a gay bar (they wouldn't, just an example that came into my head!!) and he didn't want to, he would make it clear he didn't want to, but they would pressure him and he would end up going. I'm not justifying it, I am just pointing out that it wasn't because he wanted to go.

OP posts:
Doha · 09/10/2011 10:44

It's clear OP that you know your answers and nothing will change that. Why you posted l ahve no idea.

You are prepared for a man with no respect frm women and no moral backbone to play a large part in your DD's life

I feel so sorry for your DD, l hope she has better role models throughout her life to look out for her than the ones she has right now.

With that l'm out....

pink4ever · 09/10/2011 10:45

lily-are you that desperate for a man that you would put up with such a spineless one? Please stop deluding yourself-his friends did not make him do this-he chose too. Am not saying it has to be the end of your relationship,only you can judge that but you need to lay it on the line for him that this is not acceptable.

bubblegumpop · 09/10/2011 10:45

People are saying what they would do. What they are telling you to do is look at what you are saying. 8 months? He can't say no, babysat your dd's after doing that..Eugh Jesus Christ. He gets worse.

You know a fast moving relationship isnt always positive, right?

Doha · 09/10/2011 10:47

OMG and he came home to babysit after his lapdance-vomit l have heard it all now.

What a hero !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Proudnreallyveryscary · 09/10/2011 10:52

OP you have defended and justified yourself enough, people on here are not going to hear you - I would just leave this thread now and go and sort your head out. You know what he did was horrible and wrong. You need to work out how to talk to him and make it known it is utterly unacceptable and, in future, a deal breaker.

There is a high level of hysteria on this thread, people need to chill the fuck out.