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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

If your DP came home and said he had a private dance at a strip club....

227 replies

LilllyLovesLife · 08/10/2011 18:40

What would your reaction be?

OP posts:

Report

susiedaisy · 08/10/2011 19:57

Trust has little to do with it, a trusted man and a untrustworthy man have both done the same thing if they visit one of these places, the fact that they have been there at all is the problem IMO

HoneyMomster · 08/10/2011 19:59

KeepInMind if you're trying to say the poor ickle men are being exploited by being FORCED against their will to stuff notes in knickers God love 'em - and THAT'S the exploitation you've swallowed the mainstream view hook, line and sinker.

He who pays the piper calls the tune. ie the one with the money is the one with the power. In this arena as in every other.

Lifeissweet · 08/10/2011 20:00

yy to Uppity

Lifeissweet · 08/10/2011 20:04

Kayano - I'm not sure you need to look into the industry too deeply to work out that the transaction is financial, tacky and altogether nasty. As Sariah says, would he be happy for you to do that work? Would he like his sister or mother or friend to do it? If not then he's viewing these women as objects purely there to be bought for his pleasure. If you'd be happy to let your OH do that then I don't think it makes you cool and trusting and secure in your relationship, I think it makes you colluding in his mistreatment of women. I'm sorry if you think that's over the top, but I find the whole industry repulsive.

Malificence · 08/10/2011 20:05

"I would ditch ANY man who liked sex or who was turned on by anything but me and go out with a sexless librarian "

Don't be pathetic, what has liking sex got to do with anything at all?

When someone truly likes sex, they respect it, they don't diminish it into a paid for, fake act, that reduces a woman to a commodity.

If the women who are cool with it came home to find their partner sat on the sofa with a naked woman stcking her nipples in his mouth / wrapping her thighs around his face / grinding into his lap , that would be fine too yes?

If not - why not? s'only a laugh, innit?

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:10

Maligicence having a dance and being up front about it etc and telling me what had been done... And believe
Me I know DH would not have touched...

Is NOT the same as finding your DH on your sofa with a random with er nipple in his mouth ffs

All men are different, just all all women are. I don't see how me being alright with him having ha a dance while out with the lads the same as me being ok with him sleeping with someone on my sofa

HoneyMomster · 08/10/2011 20:13

Why not the same Kayano? Same scenario just without the money switching hands?

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:15

Life is sweet.
My DH has never had a dance, I don't think my personally being unfazed by it is me thinking I am 'cool'. I just don't think it would bother me from a trust perspective...

And that's the only perspective I am looking at, as I said, I haven't looked into anything re exploitation so I'm not going to pretend I have

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:15

Kayano why is it different? Because he PAID her? That makes it far worse.

A "dance" is not some girl gyrating in front of him you know....at least not a private one.

Malificence · 08/10/2011 20:16

It's exactly the same if he'd paid her to come to your home and perform for him for £20 , but then she would be in prostitution territory.
The fact that he wouldn't be touching her is irrelevant, she would be touching him - that's what happens in these clubs behind the curtains.

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:16

Exploitation aside...the girls in MANY clubs are willing to do FAR more than dance....that's what the private booths are for.

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:17

Honey it's not the same...
H sitting with his hands on his legs and having a dance (which is all he would do) is not the same as him lying on a sofa with a random woman, hands all over her and nipple in mouth

Totally different IMO shrugs

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:17

Exacly Malificence

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:19

Kayano so you'd be ok with a dance that really WAS just a dance? But not with a "Private dance"?

Malificence · 08/10/2011 20:19

Oral sex and masturbation is commonplace for a few extra quid, especially on a stag night where the blokes club together for extras for the man who is supoosed to be celebrating his upcoming marriage.

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:19

Also....what if some girl in the pub offered to do him a raunchy dance if he gave her 20 quid. Would that be ok?

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:20

MY DH, and I can only speak for my DH not the rest of menfolk... would feel uncomfortable the entire time and would come home and tell me all about it. Probs would have done it to not seem like a spoil sport

Like I said he never has... I'm speaking hypothetically. DH isn't inclined to like that sort of thing anyway...

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 20:21

And Kayano....why is it ok if he's paying? But not ok if it's free...and at home?

Lifeissweet · 08/10/2011 20:22

I know what you mean Kayano. I would agree that if my DP went to a club, I would not feel he had been unfaithful to me. The reason for that is more complicated than him loving me and me trusting him, though. It would be because the transaction is a business one not an emotional one.

However, because it is a financial and physical transaction, I would think far less of my DP if he chose to do this, just as I think less of anyone who treats women with this sense of entitlement.

Malificence · 08/10/2011 20:22

or even supposed

Kayano - you could look at the object website and find out some of the nasty reality of strip clubs.

www.object.org.uk/lapdancing-testimonies

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:22

But we were not talking about all the extras in the Op, just the dance aspect of a private dance... If it was in a private room.

ScareyFairenuff · 08/10/2011 20:24

^Honey it's not the same...
H sitting with his hands on his legs and having a dance (which is all he would do) is not the same as him lying on a sofa with a random woman, hands all over her and nipple in mouth^

So if you came home and he was sitting on your sofa with his hands on his legs and having a dance and that was all he was doing, you would be OK with that?

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Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:24

Please note... If DH said he had paid for a
Private dance with extras, ie masturbation, nipple in mouth... Then that would be the same as cheating....

But a private dance with no extras or touching? Nah still shrugs

TheFeministsWife · 08/10/2011 20:26

I'd have his bags packed before he could say sorry, and then kick his sorry arse out.

Kayano · 08/10/2011 20:27

No scary but It's a lap dancing club... It's sort of to be expected IMO anyway that yeah you are going to get egged on by others to have a dance...
In the home is different when I didn't know about it

The entire premise of my posts was that DH would have told me before hand. I don't see why I can't just have a different view point from you all? At least makes for interesting debate

Flip

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