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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I really need some honest advice please.

395 replies

uknowme · 27/10/2003 01:19

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tinyfeet · 28/10/2003 15:00

Tiredemma, you did exactly the right thing, I think. I hope this never does happen again. I hate to hear these things, but good to know that you made it clear that you would not put up with it again.

dottyparker · 28/10/2003 15:35

i have never been beaten up. my husband once sat on me so i couldnt move and then asked my 2 year old to bash me in the head with a hammer. with his hand over my mouth so i couldnt speak he told 2 year old it was a game. 2 year old didnt do it. husband was treated for stress at doctors. i have been pushed and hairpulled, pinned up a couple of times, choked until i passed out once and most recently grabbed by the throat. this was 2 weeks ago during an argument. these things may happen once a year and are usually stress induced. i too have been with this man for a long time. inbetween times things are as normal as anywhere else i suppose.

dinosaur · 28/10/2003 15:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

dottyparker · 28/10/2003 15:46

yes i am fine thank you. I just wanted to show that people live with things whether they should or not. Perhaps to show that the likelyhood of this happening once is very slim. infact i doubt very, very, very much my husband ever strings these incidents together as they happen over years usually during a fierce argument.

aloha · 28/10/2003 15:48

This is awful. Why do you stay Dottyparker? How can you live like this? It must be terrifying. He could kill you. He might one day. The thing with your little boy makes me want to cry.

salt · 28/10/2003 15:57

DottyParker, I'm frightened for your son, if this behaviour continues, he will think it's ok to hit girls in the school playground with a hammer!

Imagine what it would be like when the teacher asks why he did it and he replies "because daddy made me do it to mummy"

doesn't it concern you that your son sees this behaviour, let alone is encouraged to take part!

sis · 28/10/2003 16:02

Dottyparker, it is very brave of you to post and I hope that you and your husband resolve the issue of his violent actions. I hope that you are not resigned to the violence and started to think that it is too late to do anything about it.

dinosaur · 28/10/2003 16:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

dinosaur · 28/10/2003 16:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

dottyparker · 28/10/2003 16:08

That was many many years ago ( i am quite an old bird now you know!) and there have been no hammers in the play ground. Like i said, it maybe once a year. I am illustrating how some people do live with incidents like this. Please dont let that issue take over the thread of uknowme. my life inbetween times is normal and happy and i dont feel threatened. it was just an illustration.
sorry uknowme i am not advocating you stay, i was just giving another example.
I am quite cross with myself now and will shut up again for a few more months. I do tend to suffer from big foot in mouth syndrome

tinyfeet · 28/10/2003 16:12

dottyparker, I just want to say that I understand what you're saying and why you posted. My DH and I got into a heated argument a few months ago, during which I threw (actually sort of tossed) a bowl at him. He then grabbed me by the neck and sort of fake-choked me. I ran to our bedroom and cried and stayed and calmed down for about 5 minutes, then came back into the kitchen, and the whole thing has never been mentioned again. It's really weird when I think about it. But I can see sometimes how these things happen in the heat of the moment, and both you and your DH know that it should be forgiven on both sides. We have actually been quite happy despite this, and since then. I'm sure this would seem strange to others though.

dinosaur · 28/10/2003 16:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LadyP · 28/10/2003 18:02

uknowme(and anyone else who is suffering domestic violence)

Please speak to Womens' Aid or Victim Support (who I work for, so I see these types of cases on a daily basis) . These places will NEVER force you to leave, but they will give you space to talk about how you feel, give you options and advice when requested and will ALWAYS support the decision you make.

Thinking of you

Rhubarb · 28/10/2003 20:49

Dotty.......Do I take it he grabbed you by the throat recently? He may be stressed, but then so are you, it isn't an excuse really is it?
I will butt out now too.

Zora · 28/10/2003 21:11

Uknowme,

More less everything has been said. All I can add is that it happend tme not once but three times so far. Be aware. Once they do it once and you do nothing about it they will do it again. Sorry to be honast but that is how I feel.
I didn't do anything for the firs two times but when in happend for the third time I had a picture of my bruise taken I dated it and keep it in the safe place. I went to my GP and told him what happend. It wasn't easy. I also told my dh that our GP knows han has record of it. And I told my dh one more time and I am gone.
I haven't told anyone in my family but the first incident was acctually witnesed by my sister. So if I were to leave him in the future all of it would come out. MAke sure you tell people about it because you may need their help.Family, GP, some women centers.
I am not planing to leave for now because just like you my life is more comfortable for me as it is. I wouldn't be able to support myself and two daughters and even if I left I know that he would rather go on unemployment than pay me any money.
See my other thread " I hate sex".
This is another reason why I feel used and worried and pretty scared about having sex with him. How can you not after something like this. We ahve been married for ten years too.

Good luck.
you are not on your own.

mammya · 28/10/2003 22:26

Uknownme, I have been thinking about you. Have you managed to talk to him? has he apologised? HOw are you? I'm worried about you, it's weird isn't it, I don't really know you, have never met you, but I feel so close to you, probably because I know and understand what you're going through. I have to say that I agree with Twinkie that it's very likely that something like that will happen again, and again and again, unless your dh acknowledges what he's done, agrees it was wrong, apologises and GETS HELP. Anyway, all the best, sending you big hugs. Let us know how you are doing.
Dottyparker, I don't know what to say, other than I'm horrified.

Original poster

uknowme · 28/10/2003 23:17

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Chinchilla · 28/10/2003 23:25

Uknowme - I'm so sad for your situation (and all the others who have been through this). I feel strongly that this MUST be affecting your children. If they don't realise what is happening yet, they will one day. You say that he hit you before, but then go on to say that he had had a drink, and you were having an argument. So?

This is not the first time that he has done this, and I can't see that it will be the last. If he is still blaming you for the other night, he obviously can't even see that the whole situation is his fault, and is not yet ready to change. Can you live with allowing your children to see/sense this happening?

Don't allow him to take your personality away. I don't know how I would be in your situation, and I can totally empathise with not wanting to be a single parent. However, how is he a good parent when he makes the mother of his children hurt so much, both physically and mentally?

Please get help. Thinking of you xxx

sykes · 28/10/2003 23:27

I have no experience of what you're going through. But it seems so horribly wrong, hurtful and destructive for everyone. Look after yourself and your children. Dm and other people are better people than me through awful experiences for advice. But it sounds, to me, as if you need to get out. Take care.

Original poster

uknowme · 28/10/2003 23:31

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Original poster

uknowme · 28/10/2003 23:36

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Chinchilla · 28/10/2003 23:38

Stop blaming yourself! Believe that you are in the right in this situation. You are totally blameless here. What I meant was that your children may pick up on the situation because of the atmosphere CAUSED BY YOUR DH. You seem to have the victim mentality at the moment, which is totally understandable BTW, but try to accept that your dh was behaved/is behaving appallingly.

To force anyone to have sex is rape, even if you are married. That is the law. What he did was unacceptable. Please start believing in yourself...

Thinking of you. Keep posting.

sykes · 28/10/2003 23:38

Sorry, just worried about you. How do you feel now?

Original poster

uknowme · 28/10/2003 23:42

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sykes · 28/10/2003 23:49

I never thought you were - having a go - I'm sure you don't want to talk to me but if you do, I'm so happy to have you call me/vice versa. I did this the other week and it helped so much, Have no clue who soberbnow is- but it really helped. Just for one evening. So happy to post my number - let me know. If you need it, it's more than fine, can't say I'd be much help, but somtimes, if you don't know the person .../

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