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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really need some honest advice please.

395 replies

uknowme · 27/10/2003 01:19

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bloss · 27/10/2003 22:11

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Clarinet60 · 27/10/2003 22:18

Just to add my support and echo all the others.
You mustn't stay in this situation. You'll just be waiting for it to happen again and you won't be able to relax. As others have said, it has already happened, so it wouldn't be you making the decision to be a single parent. HE made that decision when he hit you. 20-30 times? Not on your face? I think you know what you have to do.
Gather together all the friends and family you can muster and let them help you.
I'm really sorry.

As for not wanting sex, who does after children? My DH has hardly had any since DS2 was born and for all his faults, he's been understanding about it. Anything else would be inhuman.

Original poster
uknowme · 28/10/2003 01:06

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Original poster
uknowme · 28/10/2003 01:37

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tinyfeet · 28/10/2003 01:54

Not pathetic, uknowme. I think the overwhelming advice here is that you should not just sweep this incident under the rug. Your dh should not believe that there is anything acceptable about his behavior. You have support here. Be strong.

Ghosty · 28/10/2003 04:13

uknowme ... you are not pathetic at all.
You have had some fantastic advice here and it is good that you are talking - albeit to cyber friends.
I have no personal experience of this kind of thing and so have no more to add to the advice you have already had but please, please stop blaming yourself ...
I am thinking of you and sending cyber hugs across the world to you {{{{{}}}}}

doormat · 28/10/2003 08:51

uknowme
I realise your mum has problems of her own but if you have a daughter wouldnt you want to know if her partner was hitting her.She is your mum and despite not being overly close etc I think she would like to know.

IMO it seems he has control over your parents too (your comment that basically the sun shines out of his arse) so he is giving an impression out that he can do no wrong.

My ex husband did this and I used to be beaten black and blue and feel like you do now, not being able to tell, ashamed, felt guilty etc etc and what for to MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD when he was an arsehole.BTW he never hit me in the face neither. It started with a slap and it esculated over the years until one nightI ended up with broken ribs, damaged shin and cuts and bruises and a sore head because I told him I loved him in bed one night (I felt he was in his mood for a kick-off)My kids were in the next bedrooms and they could hear everything.I never really wanted to reveal this much info on what happened to me but I think you need to know what can happen.

I dont mean to scare you or nothing and I know this is not your situation but I have picked up that you are walking on eggshells since this incident.He may not hit you again but it is a good possibility he night.

What are you going to do if he does hit you again

end up like some of us on here still shaking years later recoiling what happened to us.I know I thought it was a one-off, then it happened again and again etc. If it does you have to realise that they will not change on their own or with your help. They need professional help.
Just please watch out for the signs of him kicking off again and think very carefully what you are going to do if he does this again.
You were not put on this planet to get abused, you are better than that.
hugs
xxx

Original poster
uknowme · 28/10/2003 08:53

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Original poster
uknowme · 28/10/2003 08:59

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bluecow · 28/10/2003 09:02

uknowme - of course it's understandable that life on your own is a frightening prospect. I do sincerely hope it was a horrible, out of character one off but I think you will always be on your guard from now on - eg, the next time he raises his voice.
If this does happen again I think it will make up your mind for you. Thinking of you.

Twinkie · 28/10/2003 09:07

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Helsbels · 28/10/2003 09:13

My sister had it happen and not happen again, but they split later anyway because he kept mentally abusing her and she never felt safe again. She didn't tell us at the time (my dad would have killed him). This was a long time ago and she has recently met a lovely man who seems to be 'the one'. Stay safe and keep those kiddies safe. At the end of the day you must do what you think is right. I can understand your staying for the reasons you mention. It is hard starting again and its hard staying put - only you know the whole story and only you know him. Ask yourself - honestly - if you think you are safe and act on that answer. Take care

Original poster
uknowme · 28/10/2003 09:17

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doormat · 28/10/2003 09:24

uknowme
I am not suggesting you leave at the moment. All I ask you to do is just to be aware of the situation and you will automatically feel the bad vibes when he is ready for a kick-off.
If this happens again I feel that he will just carry on through your life until he either gets help or you end up really hurt one day.

It is a very good idea to keep essential numbers and personal items close at hand, I used to keep a stash of money also just in case I needed to get out quick with my children.

I have been in a refuge, ok it is not the same as your home but it is not a bad place to be. At least it is safe.
But I stupidly heard his promises of it not happening again and went back.
Fortunately the last time he hit me,I threw him out.I was that fed up and sore. He came at me with a piece of wood when I was downstairs phoning the police. It was ready to go over my head but I ducked and he went through a glass door.He chopped his thumb off and he was crying for me to help him, I just kicked the shit out of him and then phoned an ambulance for them to take him away. I know it was wrong of me to do that but I had had enough.
I never pressed any charges as they were the days of "just being a domestic"and the police would just put him in cells overnight to calm down.

Just be careful ok and keep your kids and personal bag close to hand in case it happens again.
take care
xxx

WideWebWitch · 28/10/2003 09:28

Twinkie, what a moving post. uknowme, your mutual friends wouldn't condone his violence. He knows this. Please listen to Twinkie: sadly, she does know what she's talking about. Thinking of you today - we're all rooting for you and I think asking yourself the question 'Do I feel safe?' and acting on the answer is a good idea.

doormat · 28/10/2003 09:29

Just to pick up on what Twinkie said about domestic abuse and feeling the ripples of throughout your life. It is very true.

Twinkie · 28/10/2003 09:30

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Original poster
uknowme · 28/10/2003 10:43

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Twinkie · 28/10/2003 10:51

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aloha · 28/10/2003 10:55

As you dont earn and have two small children there is NO WAY he'd get half the house. In fact, I would put money on the ownership of it being transferred to you, but he'd have to pay the mortgage as well as money to support you and the kids. You wouldn't have to move out. You could get him thrown out. I feel so angry with him that he could do this to you.

tinyfeet · 28/10/2003 13:33

So glad he's agreed to talk, uknowme. It is the first step - hopefully you can work this out. I haven't read this entire thread, only what you've written. From what you say however, it seems to me that your DH may have a drinking problem. Please let us know how the talk goes. I think all of us would advise you not to have an attitude that you perhaps need your DH more than he needs you. You should not feel that you have nowhere else to go, as that is probably opens the door to future abuse. Praying that your talk goes well. Hang in there.

Tortington · 28/10/2003 14:31

i just want to add that i am thinking of you,know your rights. if you know where you stand legally with your property and your children only then can you make a truly informed decision. you must make the time to do internet research - to make one of those "first appointment free" solicitor appointments and to see the citizens advice bureaux and a relate councillor. Arm yourself with information, if he things you are staying becuase you have nowhere else to go or becuase he knows you want to maintain a facade of a great mariage with a great house and 2.4 children then he may use this against you. maybe when you have your talk if you can tell him that actually you know your rights and you know the facts and that you chose to stay becuase you love him, but next time you will take half the houe and half the cars and half the pension and half the savings ( or whatever it is you are entitled to) but to let him know - you KNOW.

it must be reported - if onyl in your nedical records - there must be a record to fall back on should you need it in years to come. do not become a victim of your own ignorance too.

tinyfeet · 28/10/2003 14:35

Great advice, Custardo. Knowledge is strength - or whatever the saying is . . . Ignorance is not bliss. Sorry, I'm going crazy with these little saying these days.

Blu · 28/10/2003 14:50

I do believe people can change, but I don't believe in magic. Have you thought through what you want to ask for, in terms of ensuring that this does not happen again? Personally, I would start with an agreement to ask for some kind of help....with his drinking, for counselling from an organisation such as relate, or perhaps something specifically targetting domestic violence. If he does feel truly committed to not doing this again, he needs to show that. Apologising is one thing, but taking effective action to support his intentions is another.

tiredemma · 28/10/2003 14:51

uknowme, i have had it happen to me and not happen again.
very similar to waht happened to you, last august both me, DP, and our first son were staying at his dads house for the night, after we had been out with his father and stepmother, my partner was a bit drunk, i decided to go straight up to bed as i knew it would be me getting up with my son, who was 2 at the time in the night.
DP followed me about 20 mins later, when he got into bed he started acting all stupid saying " i dont think you love me" etc and other shit like that. i was half asleep and was telling him to stop being so stupid.
then he kicked me in my back and i fell out of the bed, i got up and he punched me in my side and i thought he had cracked a rib, i was curled up on the floor thinking "what the hell is the matter with him" i got up and went to get into the bed again and he punched me, splitting my right eyebrow open and breaking my nose, the room was pitch black but i managed to crawl to the door, i must of been screaming because his dad and stepmum came running from thier room, i didnt realise how bad it must have been till i saw his stepmums face, and i noticed my blood splattered all up the wall.
his stepmum cleaned me up and was telling his dad to throw him out, i slept with his stepmum in her room and his dad kept him away from me in the other room.

the next morning i woke up to see him crouching next to me sobbing, he couldnt believe what he had done.
to cut a long story short, he apoligised profusly not being able to look at me as he was so ashamed of what he had done. he completly broke down when my son woke up and saw my face and was sick.
he swore nothing like this would ever happen again.
when we got back to where we live i booked an appointment with my gp to record it and also had to go to hospital for x-rays. i told him in no uncertain terms that if anything like this ever happened again, i would go straight to the police and have him arrested, he knows i will do it and he knows i would make it difficult for him to see our sons.
true to his word he has not even raised his voice to me, he is too aware that i gave him one chance and that would be his last chance.
i do not want my sons to grow up believing that it is acceptable behaviour to demean and intimidate women, i do however believe that because it happened in his dads house he is now aware that they will always be suspecting if he is doing it and i know how very ashamed he was, he idolises his dad and knows he let himself down badly in front of him.

before this incident he never abused me so i dont know why that one night he flipped out.

but i will say this, just because he has never done it again to me so far doesnt mean that i trust he could never do it again.
i really hope you can find a solution, im thinking of you...be strong xx