uknowme, whilst I've said it before and I'll say it again, ending your marriage is not the only answer. You are not pathetic. You are not being judged but your husband is. I agree that he needs a shock, you need to make a big statement, so that he knows it can never happen again.
As for your illusion of an ideal family it is just that... an illusion. I am not sure an ideal family exists but it is certainly not one where one fears being approached sexually by one husband and where one feels they are performing to the world. You might think you are convincing people but they don't matter, you are actually trying to convince yourself... You don't have to do anything you do have choice but make your decisions for the right reasons. You don't deserve to feel like this. Big Hugs Xxx