I really need some honest advice please.

[uknowme]

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Excellent advice from Twinke she obviously knows what she is talking about please take her advice on board,nobody deserves to be treated in this way,it is better to be a safe single parent than a two parent family where half of he pair is afraid all the time.Take care.

Love Loobie{{{{hugs{}}}

Please do as Twinkie says. Don't let your husband think his behaviour is justified (he will if you don't pull him up on it).

Think how you would feel if you read this about someone else.

Many of us have experienced abuse from men in its different forms, and I think most who have would say that they wished they had made a stand right from the start. If you let people push you around, you bring out the worst in them. IMO the only hope you have for being happy again with this man is to put your foot down now.

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uknowme I am really sorry this has happened to you but agree with www and Twinkies posts. It really does need to be dealt with. Many sympathies, it must be awful for you.

uknowme - you musn't allow your DH to make you think this is your fault. He has done this once, he will do it again. You must face that fact. You have given really good advice here. Make an appointment with your GP or go to A&E so that your injuries can be recorded. If you stay and do nothing, you will need evidence of every time he does this to you so that you can have him charged eventually. Speak to your parents and get their support. Show them what he did to you. If you want to remain with him you need to get him to see that he needs counselling before he himself is caught on that downward spiral. If you do nothing you are condoning his behaviour. If nothing else, by ensuring you do not hide this, you will be helping him in the longrun.

Uknowme - what can I add? This is appalling - to be attacked in your own bed, where you should be safe. To be abused in your own home by the father of your child... it is terrible, shocking and wrong. His identity seems frighteningly tied into his sexuality and his desire to control you. NOBODY ever 'deserves' to be hit. NOBODY has the right to hit another person, except in self defence. If you want out of this marriage, you will not have to move. You will be able to stay in the house if you want for the sake of your child. What is it about this relationship you like? What do you think you have to lose? How do you see your relationship in five/ten years time? What are you most afraid of?
It is a pity that the victims of violence seem to feel more shame than the perpetrators. Of course it means a lot to him to be seen as a good man - to your parents and others - but I'm sorry, he isn't a good man. Good men don't kick and punch their wives because they won't have sex with them. Full stop. He doesn't deserve anyone's good opinion. If you can't make a decision then maybe some counselling might help you see a way forward. Both Relate and London Marriage Guidance will see you on your own and help you look at the issues at stake here. I agree that marriages shouldn't be broken up over trivial issues, particularly when children are involved, but this isn't trivial and sounds very scary indeed. I suggest it is likely things will get worse, not better (as you say, they have got progressively worse, from shouting to pushing to hitting and kicking). Is that what you want for yourself and your child? Is that what you deserve. I'm not pretending it will be easy to end a relationship - far from it. But I wonder, how do you think he would react if you told him you were thinking about divorce?

Twinkie is right (and so is everyone else.)

Your husband was out of order and probably knows it. I understand you might not want to leave but you must at least let him know that what he did was unacceptable.

Please don't let the fear of other people knowing stop you either ( "I also don't want anyone to know that I can't even keep a marriage together" ) - no-one would blame you if you left, except maybe him.

Uknowme, I just wanted to echo what Twinkie said. I could have written your post almost word for word this time last year.

I really do know how you feel but also I really do think you should leave. I wanted my dd to grow up with two parents but now I look back I know I made the right decision to leave.

This is abuse, it really is and please don't let yourself get into a situation where you let him have sex with you because it's easier than saying "no", it is soul destroying.

Take care.

Uknowme, My honest reaction is that I found what your dh did very shocking. The thing that I found disturbing was that he blamed you for 'humiliating him', just by feeling too tired for sex. It sounds as if he has a significant problem of his own, and is taking it out on you. If he is out of control with it, how is he going to regain control? This wasn't a mutual fight in which you both lost it a bit, tussled, and have woken up ashamed and apologetic, this was an attack on you by him, and he hasn't apologised.
Listen very carefully to Twinkie, and what she says about the very core of you. Listen to the phrases you use: 'I can be a right cow' 'I can't even keep a marriage together'. RE-discover your sense of your own pride RIGHT NOW. Think how you would feel if you had taken something out on your DS the way your DH attacked you...what kind of person would you rather be? YOU, of course, so hold your head high, and value yourself. That is the first step to sorting out this situation and finding the kind of help which might help him address his behaviour, and hold your marriage together. If not...if it can't be done, it isn't you who has failed. Good luck, and very big hugs.

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uknowme
there has (as usual) been some excellent advice here.
All I can add on is that YOU need to bring this out in to the open with your family. As Twinkie said in her post about the "none on my face" that worried me as HE DOES KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING.
He is being snidey as most abusers are
You are being secretive as most victims are.
There is nothing to be ashamed of or guilty for.
You have done nothing wrong.

Also he is abusing you by pestering you for sex (it is called sexual abuse and it is all part of domestic violence)
A real man would show you consideration if you were too tired and leave you alone to get your rest.
Dont give in to his demands.
Take care
hugs
doormat
xxx

uknowme - I haven't got any advice apart from Please listen to Twinkie - she knows what she is talking about.

You are probably thinking to yourself - things aren't that bad - Twinkie is blowing things out of proportion - but she isn't, even if thinks aren't that bad at the minute but if you don't do anything about it now things will get that way!

I hope you manage to sort something out - best of luck x

uknowme, hi just wanted to say hello today and i hope you are o.k! Lots more advice on here today( i know i wasn't much help last night!), but i was telling my d.p this morning about it and he too was worried about the"not on my face" bit! Do take care

Uknowme, I'm deeply shocked by what has happened to you. I'm no good at the advice thing in these situations so I just want to say that I hope you stay safe, can work it out somehow and that the support here on Mumsnet keeps you going. Thinking of you, Sue.

I would be worried that now he has crossed this boundary / taboo and physically assaulted you, that he'll find it easier to do it again.

Personally I would leave - but that's very easy for me to say never having been in that situation, and I am probably being very naive.

I hope you work out what to do for the best...

Just another message to add support. I am shocked at the seriousness of this, I have never experienced anything similar so I am at a loss to provide any useful advice.

I am thinking of you.

Being a good dad doesn't make up for the fact he's hit you.

I hope you can find some support and advice. The police have domestic violence units which can be incredibly supportive. I know involving the police is a big thing but he has assaulted you.

This has been playing on my mind since I read it, having been in the same situation I know it's difficult to talk about, I could never have told anyone face-to-face. In fact, I'm not sure I could now, perhaps a little but not all the details.

Anyway I just wanted to say that I am fairly new to the site (been around for a couple of months but under a different name) but it's highly unlikely that I'll know 'you', so, if you want to talk further you can email me through the 'contact another talker' option.

Uknowme - If he has not apologised, perhaps he thinks that he has got away with his actions? Any man who could do that to his wife for not having sex seems unlikely to be sorry IMO. Do not let him think that you will acceot this behaviour. Obviously I have not been in your situation, but I would imagine that you will always be waiting for him to explode again. Is that a nice situation to be in?

I cannot add any more to the excellent advice, but I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear this.

In a way I can understand why you don't want to leave - I think if it happened to me my first reaction would be to want to forget about it and go back to the time before it happened, because otherwise this changes absolutely everything.

The trouble is, it already has changed everything and it is not your fault. You did not make this happen and yet you are now faced with this horrible decision. Please be strong though.

This happened to my sister and she thought it would only happen once. It didn't. People who do this share similar traits and one is to make their victims feel like they somehow "asked" for it and therefore if the victim changes their behaviour it won't happen again. But you have to believe that this is not the case and if you leave it then there is a very big chance that it will happen again and your self-esteem will be slowly eroded. You cannot live your life like this. You deserve a lot better than this.

I really send heartfelt sympathy for the situation you now find yourself in. I really hope you can find a way through it.

uknowme, several things really trouble me about what happened.

1. He hit you
2. He hit you 20 -30 times
3. He did it because you refused his advances .
4. He made out like it was your fault
5. he did not apologise.

Have you tried to talk about what happened?
If not I think you should.

I have been thinking about you a lot today wondering what I would do if this happened to me. Like you I have always maintained I would leave if my dh ever hit me. I think all of us would say that in advance but obviously many women stick around even after getting beaten up.

I think the very least you should expect is a heartfelt apology. If he does not at least apologise it means he thinks his behaviour is acceptable and there is no reason why he would not do it again.
Even if he apologises I think you have to think long and hard about whether being in this marriage is a good place for you and your child.

Please be very careful.

Uknowme, it's difficult to know what to say without knowing his feelings after this horrific attack. Has he apologised? Does he seem remorseful? I can't believe that you were attacked in your own bed like that.

Do post and let us know you are alright.