How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

Agree, worraliberty.

Sure there are plenty of happy hookers around, perhaps not always as happy as some of make out though!

I suspect most men are pretty ordinary and not at all memorable. Some must be truly awful though.

I know most of us hate our jobs at times and most of us have to do stuff we would rather not do and only do it for the cash. However, most of us do not have to take our clothes off or be intimate with people. So there is a bit of difference to sex work and other not very desirable jobs!

Well, she is free to post her opinion of course - as we all are.

I think that if you want to have a discussion/debate around the issue and have people give your pov consideration, then it's probably best not to post in such a goading and provocative fashion.

It seems to me that this thread was started by someone who wanted to share her very sad experiences and there are a lot of valuable posts therein.

It's a breach of netiquette for someone to resurrect that thread and hijack it in order to further her own agenda and make inflammatory remarks to people who could be suffering because of the behaviour about which she gloats.

Better for siobhan to start her own thread and take her chances with people who'd like to debate with her, as much as that's possible when MNHQ quite rightly has to keep deleting her posts because she repeatedly breaks the board's guidelines.

I don't think it's at all appropriate to engage with the discussion on this thread.

Sorry, that last was to Worraliberty - just in case that wasn't clear.

Yes, good point charbon. I won't post anything else on here as I don't want to cause distress to the OP.

I agree there was no need for her to goad in that manner

That was pretty pathetic

Agree, if i had been affected by this topic in some way and then see someone cracking a joke would add insult to injury.

Finding out that you dh shagged a prostitute must be devastating.

I have never even thought about going with a prostitute at any time of my life, or wanted to watch porn.Despite a 14 year period of sexless marriage ,& now 2 years divorced. I know men I work with, have & still do visit prostitutes ,unknown to their wives, then on Sunday's they go off and confess to their priest ,to clear their guilt.(bastards) very young japanese students are their choice.

For me it's a moral thing,I was brought up to respect women, I also don't think I could join a dating site & shag around like many do.My personal values are important to me, maybe that's why I am alone, I would love to be in a loving relationship. But prostitutes & strip clubs, No Thank You.

Fatbelly, you sound like a decent bloke with some morals and values. I would like to think that my dp would give a similar response:)porn though I have no objection to and enjoy myself now and again!
Yuck and your friends and the young Japanese students. If my dp did this to me and I found outthen mylife would be destroyed and he would be history.

Also, I think a lot of these men go and paint a picture to escorts that they are sex starved and their wives are frumps. Although this may be true for some its not the same for others. I make a massive effort with my appearance and we both make a huge effort with our sex life.this is why comments like siobhans make me laugh.

If my dp ever betrayed me he would have a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

Carmen, the men I speak of are not English men , but philipinos over here with wives & children . I agree porn is a personal thing,ok if you like it , just never been a thing I wanted to view.

I would say I know about 40 blokes either well or by association.

Of those one uses from time to time.
Of the others around 10 have definately used them on lads trips. Some as one offs some more than once.

All of these were men in their 30's and 40's.

None of their wives know.

It's not for me even if single.

No man I have been out with or know has ever admitted to using prostitutes. That doesn't mean they haven't...but I couldn't say which were lying.

I did have a boyfriend who had previously dated an 'escort girl' while she was still escorting. I also had a boyfriend who worked as a bouncer in a dodgy strip club where the girls did 'extras' and I'm sure he shagged a few of them , although not sure if he paid for it - possibly in kind (drugs).

God, its creepy and depressing to think of it.

I have known loads of 'exotic dancers' and strippers and escort girls. Most of them claimed to be happy, in control, doing it for money. I don't buy it.

Who feels happy selling their fanny? Really?.

OP I have messaged you x

Fatbelly maybeits a cultural thing with tHe men that you know.Perhaps they don't see it as a problem cheating on the wife. I don't know.

Maleview my dp tells me that he would never pay even if single.Think he would find it distateful. Think its quite depressing to hear so many men do this behind their wives backs

I don't believe it is a cultural thing. Sure, in the ten years I've worked in the business I have had many many calls from many different cultures but I will not see guys who are non white or talk with an accent. It is my personal choice and like I said earlier I will only see who I wish to see.

I don't believe guys will ever fess up to anyone re visiting escorts/prostitutes but that is nothing to do with me.

Who feels happy selling their fanny? Really? I do My Name Is Not Susan ........ its no worse or better than any other job I've done.

I can do a couple of hours work and get as much as many do in a week and still get the rest of the week to myself. I'm not saying this to gloat. I'm just stating a fact. There are many jobs that would bore me out my skull but being a prostitute is not one of them. Every day I work is different.

Didn't mean seeing prostitutes was a cultural thing, just the poster who said his married Filipino friends liked sex with Japanese students.

Guess there isn't a type of man who pays for sex and personally I don't care. My only gripe is men who profess to be happily married and then do it. Obviously they are not happily married are they.

Personally it cracks me up to think ofthe thought that a man I was with would go to extraordinary lengths to have a secret sex life. I'd prefer him to own up so that we could both move on.

Why commit yourself to one woman if its not what you really want.

My dp has very similar values and morals and we agree on what is and isn't cheating. He has no need to sneak behind my back and if he did he would no the repercussions.

it's flat belly, not fat belly

just sayin' ...

I know a man who is regularly seeing prostitutes. His wife knows nothing about it. He is DPs friend, and I hardly ever see his wife, for which I am glad. DP told me on condition I would not tell her- he was horrified, as was I.

This preys on my mind a lot. From what I know of her, she is lovely. They have 3 kids. I had to make small talk with her when she dropped off her husband at Christmas, I hate that she dosent know.

Sorry for hijack!

Lol at fat belly/flat belly. God I'm so sorry. Embarrassed now.

I agree that guys who are not happy in their relationships/marriage, should seperate and divorce rather than just play away from home, but thats easy for me to say as I divorced many years ago. If I had even suspected my ex was seeing a prostitute/anyone for sex then I think I'd have done a 'bobbit' even before the lady herself did.

However I dont think these ladies are any worse or any better than the rest of us. They are simply people doing a job. Good or bad.

My ex husband did.

I suspect in hindsight that it was to lose his virginity at a rather late age.

I must add I didn't know this till well after we split but it explains a lot about his attitude to sex

Fooffighter, there is a world of difference being a single man and seeing a prostitute to lose his virginity than a married one doing it behind his wifes back.

I wouldn't be chuffed either if I thought a partner had gone out and 'bought' a woman at any point, but I could understand the reasons more of a single bloke than an apparently happy one.

I don't know a single man who has that I know of, or who I think would.

I have a lot of male friends, both my friends and joint with my DH.

I've never heard any of them ever have the kind of conversation where it was even hinted that it would be even vaguely ok. It seems to be a given, totally assumed, among everyone I know that 'that side of life' is pretty alien. A lot of us drink in a pub which is in a district with a lot of kerb-crawling etc. going on and when prostitution has been mentioned it's in terms of 'bloody hell pretty grim' etc.

The highlight of a mutual friend's stag 'awayday' last year was a visit to a brewery. I think I can safely say that there was nothing any more dodgy planned... as the best man and stag organiser was a good female friend (happens to be the groom's closest mate!)

OP, I feel for you and what you've been through. Don't think for a minute that what you have seen of men is normal. To me it sounds horrific and utterly alien.

GlitterKitty - I'd tell her in an instant. He's putting her health at risk as well as everything else. I honestly couldn't keep that one to myself. I don't envy your position.

Your post really moved me, OP. I am far from naive and pretty open-minde, but I would bet anything you wanted on the fact that most of the men in my life have NEVER used prostitute. To aid your perspective, this includes:

My DH;
All of my DH's friends - about 20, I will stop thre as I couldn't say about mates, etc
The 2 other men I was in a serious relationship with before DH;
All of their friends;
My close friends' DH/DPs;
Most of their friends (those I know);
My dad;
All of his close friends;
My brother;
All of his close friends;
My BIL;
All of his close friends;
My own male friends;
All of my uncles (about 15);
Most of the men I work with...

Actually, the list could go on and on. Like I said, I am not naive and have deliberately discounted all those who I wouldn't bet all my material possessions on, but am pretty confident have not used one either.

The list of men above covers a huge spectrum of age, background, employment, etc. They are just normal blokes. DH and my friends all get pissed, go on stag dos, blah blah blah. But prostitutes are just not something that come into the equation.
HTH x

I saw this again because when I logged on as normal, I had a PM from someone on this thread.

It just is not the best timing that I've been having a very stressful week (court stuff re contact with kids from ex pertner from years ago, heavy workload and overtime at work etc grr).

I'm not saying that current sex worker's opinions who are happy with their work aren't just as valid as my own, however what I think a lot of people don't realise is that it does genuinely hurt people who have been traumatised by prostitution for their experiences to be discounted. It hurt me coming back to read this stuff (the deleted posts).

I am telling you, hand on heart, everything I did write is TRUE, and really happened to me. Everything I recounted about other women is true and was witnessed or spoken to me by them.

I'm not saying that there are not women in existance who are happy with it, and of course those experiences are every bit as valid as my own, but I'd be truly shocked if I found someone who'd actually left the industry who would have anything positive to say about it at all, or would say that the money is worth it.

I can only truly speak for myself, and say I am still experiencing bad after-effects years on. I get nightmares and periodically I get dissociated episodes and bursts of extreme anger. I can't trust people. most especially men, I feel worthless at times, and I really cannot have sex at all - it really awful for me, I turn into a sobbing or angry wreck and freeze.

argh.

I am seeing things clearer as time goes on though, not in a daze so much. And I'm starting to believe I'm worth help or care finally.