How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

I hope my DH hasn't and wouldn't.

We haven't had sex in months due to my pregnancy and he's been travelling a lot with work so tbh it has crossed my mind. He does look at porn and is quite dominant in sex so maybe is 'the type' to, but he has always been scornful of the one guy we both know who goes to strip clubs regularly and has used prostitutes.

I love him so I hope not, basically.

Manshape has never used a prostitute.

He did used to work as a minder in a massage parlour, and some of the girls he and i both know have said that he treated them with the utmost respect.

On the other hand, my ex-BIL used prostitutes regularly. This only came to light when my sister found several cards for ladies in his wallet, but then i wouldn't put it past him you know? He looked the type - sleazy, greasy and very much like Ian Beale from Eastenders. I often wonder what my sister saw in him, and i pity the girls who he had sex with.

Alias - i'm so sorry that these men have damaged your view of men in general. I promise you there are good men out there.

Thank you all massively so far.

I could date a man who said he had tried it in the past but it did not feel right and has since come to the conclusion it's not the right thing to do. But I could not date someone who had and showed no regret on reflection.

To clarify I do not think ALL men who use prostitutes are totally evil criminal rapists(some were) but there is a disturbing level of ENTITLEMENT and THE UNDERLYING VIEW THAT WOMEN'S BODIES ARE THINGS TO BE USED TO PLEASURE THEM in almost every single man who I saw in prostitution.

And yes, I think hardcore porn has a lot to do with it too - most of the assaults / rapes I encountered over the 4 years it seemed like they were living out their own porn scene ie - forcing oral sex (which was a service but not like this), forcing your heads with the hands until you would be sick and gag and they would say 'porny' things and many men who came enthused on how they loved hardcore porn like bendover etc. Yuk.

I just relive this stuff like a videotape in my head all the bloody time. I feel institutionalized somehow. argh. And try to tell myself not all men are like this and I will be capable of giving and receiving love one day.

OP, I am one thousand percent certain that none of the males (Dad, uncles, DH, many male friends, ex boyfriend) in my life has ever used a prostitute. As pinkteddy says, I hope you can find the help you need.

i think it is actually quite a lot. i don't know for sure, how could i, or even really suspect any men i know, but having said that i have known women who have sold sex, and they were never short of men who would pay for it. one of the women was my 15 year old friend :(

it seems unlikely that it is 10 men who just buy sex aalllllll the time. these men are someone's sons, brothers, partners, fathers.

i am sorry for everything that has happened to you :(

My other half has used a prostitute. He is from another country and it is quite normal for them to do it. I also know (too many) men who have. It's more common than most woman like to think.
Men will shake their heads in disgust to their partners but it is not even a taboo subject amongst their male friends. I work in a very male environment and feel greatly saddened by the actions of some of these "family men"

Last week one man brought his newborn daughter, and it was his " mistress" who changed the nappy abd held her while he popped to the toilet.

I have PMed you, btw.

My DH spent much of his youth in the Merchant Navy and travelled all over the world. Going on stories he's told me I woould think it very unlikely that he NEVER did, way back when. I have never asked the question.

However, I have known him 20 odd years now and don't believe that he had or would consider such a thing in his non-sea life.

I feel pretty certain that my DH and Dad have never, and again, the men in my wider family have not, to my knowledge.

I do work in a Hotel though, and there are a few regulars who call and book "day-let bedrooms", invariably a different lady turns up with them each time (May not be a prostitute). We have also accomodated the wife and children of one regular (along with the H) for the weekend, which was sad, as he seemed so dedicated to them and unfettered by us knowing his double life. It makes me doubt marriage and commitment, but know it is not a true reflection on men as a whole

I cant say 100% that no man in my personal life has used on but I am 99.9% that they haven't.

However a male relative has and his wife (a close relative of mine) found out just after they were married, well I say "found out", he told her. It happened years ago, long before they met when he was single and in the forces. He was in a country where prostitution isnt seen in the same way as over here, its almost that if you go there and you dont go with one then you are weird. It really upset my relative because she said that she didnt think he was that kind of person. But he was very young and with a group of other young men all egging each other on. He went in, DTD and left and said that he hated it so much he is certain he would never do it again. Since then he has learned about trafficking, drug addicts etc and he is even more disgusted with himself.

You have seen the nastiest side of the nastiest men, its no wonder that you feel that they are all like that. OK so alot of them can be utter arses, infact almost all of them can at times, but so can we. There are good men out there and you will find yours one day :)

Firstly, I'd like to say well done on taking the first step to put this behind you.

WRT your original question, I can safely say I'm not aware of any of my male friends having used a prostitute. And I'm pretty sure that none of those I call friends would have. Not every man is set out with the aim of hurting women.

I'd second contacting Women's Aid or Rape Crisis. Even if they can't offer counselling, they can point you in the right direction for support which will be able to help you.

I don't have any real advice, atm, but youhave made the first step in getting out of the industry, and the second in getting help. That's two VERY big steps, and something you should be proud of yourself for.

"Do you think you would tell any new partner what you did?"

I did tell the man I dated 6 months after I got out. He said he thought it would be disgusting for a man to just have sex whilst knowing the woman did not really want it or a two-way thing. He said he felt sorry for me for my experiences, and he looked as if he would cry a little bit but didn't and told me about a time his friend tried to get him to go to a massage parlour with him when they were both 22 and wait outside so he went after much persuading but did not want to pay the entry fee so his friend went in then came back out 10 mins later having not been able to 'get it up'. His friend did seem the 'type' even 10 years after the incident when they were both now in 30s when I met him, always comparing womens bodies etc over dinner

We never really spoke about it again after that and he never made it an issue or treated me differently thankfully.

But I know for a fact that many ladies who have left find that if they tell a partner he will use it against them or treat them differently or not trust them.

I know one person in all my 30 years who has. I have worked and been brought up with loads of men, all but one.

I do still think the men willing to abuse women like this are in the minority.

Wishing you well x

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Being assaulted once a month and what you've described about being gagged is horrendous. You were subject to torture. What you describe about having what happened running in scenes in your head sounds like you now have post traumatic stress disorder because of what was done to you. There have been studies on women in prostitution which show that many of them suffer from it. You've returned from a war zone.

One close family member of mine I know of has paid for sex. But I don't think you should really be worrying about your opinion of men. Working to heal the harm that has been done to you will probably help more in the long term.

My exbf did it, and completely shamelessly too. But then he did lots of related things that I accepted at the time - I had very low self esteem and a serious eating disorder. I now see these things as abusive behaviour and would never tolerate them again. If I suspected dh had done anything similar (I don't) then I would be out.

OP, many therapists operate a sliding scale for payments - have you made any enquiries? Also consider a group therapy, which tends to be cheaper.

I am very sad about the phrase 'used a prostitute'. Especially as I read post after post.

Sorry for your troubles OP and hope you get the help you need

alias you sound really traumatised

In your short therapy did post- traumatic stress come up? I don't know much about it, but perhaps you should investigate it.

I know of one ex-boyfriend who visited a prostitute once. He was a sweet, very sad and obsessive (as in hung up about things) soul and he found it very disturbing.

I'm pretty sure DH never has- he has been taken to lap dancing clubs a few times and feels really upset for the women working there. Brothers, dad etc. I'm pretty sure have never been.

You really have seen the worse side of men- by definition; I hope you can find some hope and peace around it.

Alias, I'd say the disturbing level of ENTITLEMENT and THE UNDERLYING VIEW THAT WOMEN'S BODIES ARE THINGS TO BE USED TO PLEASURE THEM applies to every single man who uses sex services ... Even the ones in the 'sweet' stories, above, were happy enough to get in the room which means they had a sufficient level of that entitlement.

Tbh, I find it hard to believe I've known so many men to use sex services, whilst other women seem to know none! I assume we've always moved in completely different circles

Go easy on yourself. You have suffered long-term physical, mental and emotional trauma. I imagine 12 weeks' counselling may have been just enough to help you appreciate the truth of that, but nowhere near enough to start a really good repair & rebuild job.

Do check out potential sources of therapy, like sexual health clinics and women's collectives, etc, as well as your GP. I don't know what your political views look like, but I really do feel feminism can help. I suggest mainstream feminism because you're aiming for a balanced, healthy view of womanhood in normal life not frenzied paranoia. You can always move on to radical activism later if it suits you.

I've worked with quite a few projects with prostitutes; every single one of them has feminist underpinnings which I think reinforces the point :)

"As I say, very naive, I think he just bought into the happy hooker myth"

Yes the very few (and i mean like 5% or less) nice clients I did meet seemed misguided and very shy and bought into the happy hooker myth. How someone can enjoy sex in an unsafe situation with a stranger she's just met 5 mins previously and faking all the intimacy that goes along with a 'girlfriend experience' is a total mind-fuck. It takes a lot of nerve at best, and being 'medicated' at worst.

The vast majority I'd genuinely say were entitled bastards with no respect for women at all and almost every single one did at least something nasty/disrespectful (even subtley) but there were a few single guys sometimes who really did seem misguided and rushed off and never came back!

If I were to generalize I'd say the worst client groups on a scale would be -

worst to ok-est =

1. older single guys who were regular users of escorts were really bad, then
2. young single guys trying to act out hardcore porn then
3. older married guys who were regular users of escorts, then
4. younger married guys in 30s were usually ok but still saddens me they were cheating and entitled, then
5. single guys of any age who were new to escorts, just trying it out of curiosity and couldn't do it and just spent the time saying sorry they can't do it etc.

My partner hasn't and as far as I am aware ex didn't either.

Not all men are like the ones you describe in your post. Some want to have a meaningful relationship with someone they can treat with respect. Your line of work meant that those guys you came into contact with felt they could behave that way as they had no relationship with you and did not need to respect you.

I hope that you can move your life forward and that the pain you have experienced will diminish a bit through time.

Ok. You are looking for honesty, and I will give it.

I have one exboyfriend who told me about his experiences.

He was very open about it, and felt I should know. He was in Lebanon on a peace keeping placement, and there was nobody else to be intimate with. He used to visit the same girl. He spoke of her fondly. He was not proud. But it was the closest he could get to intimacy. His placement lasted a few years.

But he was a very special character. He was with the foreign legion at some point.

At the time, because he was young, he had a rather rose tinted view on it, but he said in hindsight, he had realized that HE was nothing but a commodity. Bread and butter. He said he thought he was as used as she. As he was so much younger, nearly half her age.