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Original poster

potential date big into S&M, I'm not, would it bother you?

184 replies

msshapelybottom · 29/09/2011 19:11

Been chatting, speaking on the phone and texting a guy from POF this week, getting on like a house on fire, supposed to be meeting next week. The conversation turned to fantasies and he said he is into S&M, not just a bit of light bondage, the whole shebang.

I am not into this at all, in fact the idea of it turns me right off and really feel there's no point even meeting if we are already going to be out of synch sexually speaking. In all honesty, I'm no prude, but I feel kinda funny about him now I know this.

Am I being daft letting this stop me from meeting him? He's gobsmacked that it would bother me.

If someone is into S&M and role play, can they still enjoy "vanilla" sex with someone? It's a genuine question BTW, I'd really like to know!

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
notlettingthefearshow · 29/09/2011 20:06

No, don't bother meeting him. You want things. The fact that he was 'gobsmacked' you don't share his interest implies that he expects women to share his fetish. I doubt you can make each other happy.

notlettingthefearshow · 29/09/2011 20:06

Different things!

Sorry!

mumblechum1 · 29/09/2011 20:06

One I definitely remember, one I'm not sure whether I did or not - was v v drunk Blush

Sofabitch · 29/09/2011 20:07

Still wants to know what these things were that he wanted that were so bad. Wink

Maryz · 29/09/2011 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 29/09/2011 20:08

Thread moving too fast for me to keep up with Grin

It's good that he mentioned it. To expand a little, I made it clear I'm not after a quick fling, and he said that he wasn't either, in fact he was very clear about wanting a meaningful relationship with someone...

I can't afford the pay for sites. The men on POF have not inspired much confidence so far mind you...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 20:10

why why why do people think it's ok to start talking about sexual fantasies before they have even met ?

a "specialist" site...I get that...the members are there for one reason and one reason alone

but a mainstream dating site ?

why do these people think you are going to cream your knickers at the thought of these sad fucking fairy tales ?

if this bloke was some sort of serious sex stud...would he be freaking women out on POF ?

msshapelybottom ...seriously, is this that you are reduced to ?

find your self respect, ffs

mumblechum1 · 29/09/2011 20:12

That's a bit harsh, AF.

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 29/09/2011 20:12

Sofa, he didn't specify, but I asked him whether S&M meant a bit of light bondage or chains and whips? He replied "all of it, the whole lot"...I took this to mean things which I hadn't even thought of yet which could possibly involve words like "munting" and that's when I came on here to get some advice slag him off.

OP posts:
tethersend · 29/09/2011 20:12

"But surely having similar sexual ideas is important in a relationship?"

Absolutely... but aren't you supposed to try and get someone to like you first before you explain that you can only ever be truly happy wanking into flowerpots? And then, hopefully, the other person thinks "Ah, where's the harm? He can cook a lovely souffle. And he did help that injured puppy", and flowerpots become involved and lo and behold a relationship is born.

If you explain what you like in bed before you've even been on a date, the chances of any magic happening are slim, IMO.

moonferret · 29/09/2011 20:13

Personally, I wouldn't pay to go on a site..the "quality" is no better I'm reliably informed, and if anything the people on "paid" sites are more desperate.
I refuse to pay on principle anyway, so it's PoF or nothing.

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 29/09/2011 20:14

AF, it's good you are here. In fairness, I only said I liked uniforms, then he came out with the other stuff Grin

I have self respect, which is why I am ceasing contact forthwith!

OP posts:
JeanBodel · 29/09/2011 20:14

I just don't get this at all.

FWIW, having been in a long relationship with a man with whom I wasn't actually sexually compatible, if I were dating again I would take steps to sort out that issue before the relationship got serious.

As far as I can see that's all this man is doing. So I can only approve.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 20:16

glad to hear it, mrs

fgs, stop giving these dicks any air time

MangoMonster · 29/09/2011 20:19

AF. I see what you're saying but if it's important to him, isn't it the same as saying he has kids or he loves trains or sci fi? Don't get the big deal, he's being honest. Yes its not good that he doesn't see it as a problem but we're all different...and she doesn't have to meet him.

Sofabitch · 29/09/2011 20:19

Well I think he is being a bit of a faker to say all of it the whole lot. Because very few people are into all of it. People like different things.

It's not as simple as the flower pot idea. That is far too naive for words. I have many fetishes. But I only enjoy them when I know the other person is enjoying them. It is something you have to want in general. And it is something I would bring up early on. Because it's not fair on either party if they are swinging from different positions

Maryz · 29/09/2011 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 20:20

JB, they haven't even met

surely a few meetings face/face would give you an idea if you were even going to get on along a superficial (not sexual) level

or is sex the absolute only priority these ays, trumping whether you even like a person ?

I wouldn't like a person like this, I would think he was a fucking nob, so we would never be sexually compatible

hence, you cut off the air time (and the audience)...listening to the sad ramblings of these inadequate twats is not good use of headspace

I have better things to do with my time, and I am sure mrs does too

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 20:22

MM, I get what you are saying

but it pains me to think that perfectly sane and normal women are being brainwashed into thinking listening to pillocks yak on about their stupid sex lives before they have even met is de rigeur

it isn't

unless you are desperate

who wants to be desperate ?

I would rather be single

Sofabitch · 29/09/2011 20:24

But to not mention it would be like a gay man not mentioning that he liked men? Tbf it all sounds a bit odd. PoF is a vanilla site. If a kinkster want o me someone with similar sexual fantasies and ideas then he shouldn't have been on PoF. It is probably a good thing the OP was told. So she could get out.

JeanBodel · 29/09/2011 20:24

There are loads of things a man could say to me that would make me think, 'We're not compatible'. Sexual preference is one of those things. Not the only priority.

I don't see it as sad ramblings, and I don't see him as an inadequate twat. Not from what I've heard.

Oh well, you and I don't sound like we're on the same wavelength on this issue, AF. Which is fair enough.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 20:26

this is not a sex site, for specific fetishes

it is a mainstream dating site

you know, where people get to know each other and find out if they even like each other

getting into nipple clamps before you have even discovered if he has bad breath, ridiculous dress sense, is a tightfisted twat who won't buy a round, wears white socks, is a fan of farah slacks, still lives with mummy etc is for people who are only looking for a specific thing

mrs unless you are looking for a specific thing...I am glad you are giving this idiot the swerve

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 20:28

JB, I think we are for sure

which is, as you say, fair enough

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 29/09/2011 20:30

Well guys an update - he is not a happy chappy. In fact his reaction have cemented in my mind that he is to be avoided like the plague. He's now saying that the S&M was just something he did in the past and that I am blowing it way out of proportion. Oh, and that he was willing to be the man in my life but not if I won't be honest.

I swear to god he was perfectly normal and lovely till 3pm this fucking afternoon...

OP posts:
tethersend · 29/09/2011 20:30

"It's not as simple as the flower pot idea. That is far too naive for words. I have many fetishes. But I only enjoy them when I know the other person is enjoying them. It is something you have to want in general. And it is something I would bring up early on. Because it's not fair on either party if they are swinging from different positions"

Would that all our kinks were as simple (and wipe-clean) as lowly flowerpots...

I too would bring it up early on. It would also be a dealbreaker for me. However, I would wait to actually meet the person before I mention anything.

I don't think a gay man is a good analogy, as he would be able to choose to go on dates with other gay men rather than heterosexual women. He wouldn't need to discuss sexual fetishes or preferences in order to do that.

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