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Original poster

potential date big into S&M, I'm not, would it bother you?

184 replies

msshapelybottom · 29/09/2011 19:11

Been chatting, speaking on the phone and texting a guy from POF this week, getting on like a house on fire, supposed to be meeting next week. The conversation turned to fantasies and he said he is into S&M, not just a bit of light bondage, the whole shebang.

I am not into this at all, in fact the idea of it turns me right off and really feel there's no point even meeting if we are already going to be out of synch sexually speaking. In all honesty, I'm no prude, but I feel kinda funny about him now I know this.

Am I being daft letting this stop me from meeting him? He's gobsmacked that it would bother me.

If someone is into S&M and role play, can they still enjoy "vanilla" sex with someone? It's a genuine question BTW, I'd really like to know!

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
JeanBodel · 29/09/2011 19:52

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses here.

If someone has unusual sexual tastes, then I think it's a good to get it out in the open early on, before sex is imminent.

That way, if you're not compatible, it can be discussed sensibly over the phone. Much better to sort it out then, rather than weeks/months later when you're in a hotel room together about to do the deed, surely?

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 29/09/2011 19:52

I wouldn't mind a relationship with a submissive though (if DH and I split up.) I'd have them clean the oven in nipple clamps Grin

swallowedAfly · 29/09/2011 19:53

so far as i can see 'vanilla' is what people with pretty extreme fetishes call those who don't have those fetishes - not people who only have missionary sex and have never had their eyes covered during sex.

Sofabitch · 29/09/2011 19:54

No of course not the labels are as useless as saying black and White. Of course there are extremes at both ends but then there is a mirage of colours and shades in between.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 29/09/2011 19:55

No SAF, which is what I mean. Vanilla to me = lights out missionary. Most people don't fit into that. Fetish is a different thing - I wouldn't say non fetish is vanilla.

Where is SGB? She know about things. And morris dancing, which could be classed as a fetish.

MangoMonster · 29/09/2011 19:55

I think it's good he mentioned it now rather than when you had met him and were having sex and then felt pressured. Think he's just being upfront as it's obviously important to him.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/09/2011 19:56

Envy at selling bags of poo on t'internet.

Sofabitch · 29/09/2011 19:57

Most kinksters use vanilla to mean people who aren't in the scene.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 29/09/2011 19:57

Actually, someone telling you that they're into S&M but have also had 'vanilla' relationships is using it the way you mean SAF. Which is probably an indication of how much they identify with S&M - and a warning if you don't.

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 29/09/2011 19:57

Thank feck he didn't mention shit.

Argh. Where are all the normal blokes? You know, the ones who like football on a Monday night and don't have a fucking dungeon full of fetish gear?

Yes to very light bondage. No problem with the right person. No to being shat on whilst chained to a wall of knives.

OP posts:
tethersend · 29/09/2011 19:58

Actually, I think the fetish is a red herring here.

If a bloke described his sexual preferences to me- even if his 'thing' was lights-out-missionary- before he'd even MET me... I'd run a mile.

It's just inappropriate. And not very romantic.

Sofabitch · 29/09/2011 19:59

So what did he say he was into that sent you running here Grin I need to know now. Wink

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 29/09/2011 19:59

I use 'vanilla' as meaning the basic package (ffnar) in a non sexual sense. Like 'no frills'.

Sofabitch · 29/09/2011 20:00

I don't think it's inappropriate to discuss what you are into. Internet flirting can be fun and let's you know what to expect.

tethersend · 29/09/2011 20:02

Really? I do. If you're discussing it as part of hooking up for a shag, it's completely appropriate.

If you're going out on dates, I don't think it is.

scottishmummy · 29/09/2011 20:02

No to being shat on whilst chained to a wall of knives
well yes thats a good maxim in life
stick to that an ye will no go far wrong

mumblechum1 · 29/09/2011 20:02

Thing is though, it puts the pressure on if sex is even discussed before you've met, imo.

During the 9 weeks I had between husbands I dated lots of people, about 2 or 3 a week, but that 's all they were, just dates, getting to know them, having a meal or whatever, and I only shagged 1.5 of them, so about 85% didn't get anywhere near the bedroom.

Whatever happened to being picky and only shagging people you know and like?

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 29/09/2011 20:02

'dungeon full of fetish gear' = owns own property Grin

From what people have said on here before, you get what you pay for. Free sites have a lot of people looking for casual sex. The sites that charge you attract more people who are seriously looking for a relationship - they've parted with money to do so.

moonferret · 29/09/2011 20:03

True tethersend, he's just testing how liberal she is. In other words, his chance of getting some sex fairly quickly.

JeanBodel · 29/09/2011 20:03

I think the fetish thing is important. If his preference is lights-out missionary, then there's a good chance his date will be willing to do it.

If he wants something more exotic, and it's so important to him that he can't have a relationship without it, then why string someone along for weeks?

For example, if I was dating, and a guy out there wanted anal sex - it was really important to him, wouldn't enjoy sex without it - then I'd be very glad to be told that early doors so we could kiss and part, because that's just never going to happen with me.

Sofabitch · 29/09/2011 20:04

But surely having similar sexual ideas is important in a relationship?

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 29/09/2011 20:04

I have been using 'vanilla' inappropriately haven't I Blush

People will think I have a dungeon.

Original poster
msshapelybottom · 29/09/2011 20:04

Tethers you are right. Any warm feelings I had towards him have totally vanished. It's a bit ick really.

I have a theory that internet dating turns people into commodities. People on a screen are less than human so the "normal" rules don't apply. There will always be someone better out there so no point in treading lightly. It's a bit fucking depressing actually.

OP posts:
JeanBodel · 29/09/2011 20:04

Mumblechum How do you shag 1.5 people? :)

mumblechum1 · 29/09/2011 20:05

"its a bit fucking depressing actually"

My thoughts exactly. I'm going tohang on to my dh whether he likes it or not, I just couldn't be bothered to go through all that palaver.