advice needed desperately regarding social services

[wannabestressfree]

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

Wow. What a lovely gesture.

Shall we in some way look at setting up some form of paypal or something, which people could add a little to if they wish, which wannabe could use should she wish, and which could go to charity if she'd rather not?

I, like many others, want to DO something. I feel so helpless. I am near-ish the unit and can and will help with support for visits etc - also happy to watch younger kids if you want, and happy to come meet you all first so you know I'm not a complete danger!

wannabe - the support is all here. And we're all rooting for you and DS xxxxx

You're a bloody marvel, Cinnabar - and there we were scratting around like headless chickens

What would you suggest for those of us who want to demonstrate our support for, and confidence in, wannabe by reaching out to her in a practical way?

£400 doesn't buy much lawyer time and if it's likely that Bindmans will require a further payment in the near future, it may be advisable for us to be on standby ready to put the necessary funds in place.

If it's probable that legal aid will kick in before the initial sum is exceeded, perhaps those of us who desperately want to contribute could repay you?

Oh Wannabe I'm so sorry:(

Please please think about taking a career break. This will give you the time and funding to fight for ds. You will not be able to pay the 20K plus in legal fees! No one will fight harder than you and you no good to anyone if you are so I'll or worse dead from the stress:(

Please also think about getting ds moved to a place that understands him better!

Your ds paranoia is not psychosis. It is years of being coached by pros like SW who even made it clear to you on phone what she thought of you and this ill judged opinion may have been preached to ds for years. So ds wanting to murder you or think you are colluding with SS he actually has good reason to be paranoid...you do not know what has been said to him over yrs by that SW and many more pros alike!
I wouldn't be surprised if SW phoned him and said 'see your mum won't come and see you unless we provide petrol and 5star hotel'! This then resulted in violent self harm/suicide attempt! He will be feeling angry for a good week or so this is when suicide is often tried again. You need to get to see him and find out the trigger to this! He is more likely to tell you still angry.

My ds SW told detective I was making it up when ds disclosed abuse by df. I understand how bad SS can be. I am on my 4th SW for ds (manager) better in way cause rules and professionalism is maintained!

I have been in battle this week AR and about to go back to tribunal (last one I was sat in 12 months ago). It is a constant fight...my 3rd and ds 7 yrs old! The reason....Aspergers! This is why have not been around but you have always had fab support here and excellent advice.

Ds also at risk of BPD or schizophrenia as on df side. So I really feel your pain.

I helped a lad same age as me for few yrs he had AS and Schizophrenia...it was schizophrenia that was not the problem it was his Aspergers and years in unsupported environments. Your ds sounds just like him tbh.

Their is an ABA residential school it is far from you but somewhere like that would give ds the structure he needs. Also that Cambrian school I linked before possibly good but not sure as never been their?

Please concentrate on getting ds in the right environment first! You have something like 5yrs to fight against BY etc....

I was about to return to work but realizing LEA's job is make me go to tribunal every year until ds is 18yrs then I have no choice and my plans to return shattered this week with realization I would never afford legal fees needed.

You may have to go to tribunal for a placement. I know a fantastic solicitor whom I have won 2 tribunals and about to start third (sigh) she is amazing and PM me if you ever need her details. Again career break will allow you time to fight and fund the tribunal.

Your ds is getting worse this is not psychosis I'd bet my last quid but broke! He needs strict behavioral, structured 24/7 environment with lots of counseling to undo some of the possible damage over last few months or even yrs. I would try and get psychologist specialist in ASD to counsel your ds for now. Somewhere closer to home will help ds as he needs you more than any professional.

To Shelly 1973my ds sounds similar to your ds wanted to die also at 5 and 6 years old ..well done getting ind school for ds! I did this year ago and ds also 7yrs different child! Third school lucky! It is so important the right environment!

Cinnabar that was a very wonderful thing to do to help Wannabe...MN is amazing place with such human kindness:)
I have a MN (our guardian angel) who us coming to travel 400 miles from Scotland when/if my ex is made to pay maintenance as I know something will happen and I need support and witness..total human kindness which in a time of need is totally amazing!

Oh darling.:(:(:(:( How utterly awful. I am so sorry that ds is feeling so desperate and that you have had to cope with this terrible terrible blow on top of all the other emotionally devastating stuff you have had to deal with recently. Is he being cared for at Ardenleigh or did he need transfer to a physical hospital?

I am not at all clear that they have the right to cancel your visit. You have Parental Responsibility and you are his nearest relative. You have rights here. Do you think he would benefit from seeing you? I bet he would.

A serious suicide attempt in a secure mental health setting is a massive care failure and there should certainly be a serious incident investigation of some sort. When you're ready you might want Bindmans to support you with that too.

Lots and lots and lots of love to you and your son.

Hi Everyone
I am completely overwhelmed by the offers on her to help us. It's amazing really.

Just a quick note but I will be back. DS is doing ok, is being nursed 2:1 and I have spoken to him. To those who say the hospital shouldn't cancel a visit as a mother I agree but I do understand. As a parent I cannot go on the ward. There is a room and very complicated procedures to get him there. There are also two women's wards there and they are not allowed to see each other. If he is viewed as either a risk to himself or me then the visit is pulled [its the not first time] but I have reassured him as soon as he is settled I will travel up [and bunk off school]. He reassured me he was being looked after 'two old women are following me' which is typical DS.

I am unsure how I go about making a formal compliant to SS. I feel I should before solicitor gets involved. To explain what she has done. When SS phoned me today they said 'MRS XXXX is unavailable until monday as she is with her family ' well good for her. She nearly destroyed mine. SS are allowed on the ward as they are cleared professionals. I will be asking what her credentials are for dealing with Aspergers and Mental health.

I will be travelling up this week. Its another battle to fight. I felt broken up this morning and now I am angry again.

Thanks again to all. I am excepting the unmnetty hugs too.

Long time lurker de-lurking to say you are amazing.

{{hugs}}

Wannabe so glad he has come down and feeling better.

My solicitor said to some time ago when I was going to complain she mentioned a Commsioner of Social Servives or Cheif Executive? Sorry cant be more help on that...if no one knows here then ask on legal...I am glad at least you got to speak to him though (hugs)

I'm so pleased that ds has spoken to you and is doing well. I hope you manage to get some rest tonight. (((hugs)))

Glad he is safe and three cheers for CinnaBarRed! We are all ready to try and help you in any way we can

Wannabe - what you're experiencing is horrific.

I do have experience of complaining about Council employees.

You need to write a letter to the Director of Social Services (and copy the Chief Executive of the Council so it cannot be denied that your letter was sent).

You need to title the letter 'Formal Complaint' and then just set out your list of complaints, why you think her behaviour was unprofessional and damaging and also state what remedy you want e.g. her removed from your son's case etc.

You just need to keep it simple, focused, factual an unemotional (difficult).

The complaint will then be investigated at Stage 1 (possibly even by the useless Social Worker herself). Yo'll be advsied of the outcome and will probably have to reject their findings when they say there is no complaint to answer. You then have to ask for it to be re-investiaged at Stage 2. This is ususally an investigation by the SS Team Leader / Director. Again you'll get a report which you'll probbaly have to reject and ask for a Stage 3 complaint investigation - this time by a Panel of Councillors.

Once they've reported you've exhaisted all levels of the Council's complaints procedures and are free to take your complaint to a higher lvel e.g. The Mental Health Commission.

I did all the stages of a formal complaint and elevated it to the Local Government Ombudsman. It's long-winded but is helpful should you and your DS venetually initiate legal action against the Council, as it shows you were aware that you and he were the victime of inappropriate behaviour by the Council and that you did not take this lying down by did complain at the time.

Happy to help you draft any letters etc. I'm almost ashamed to describe the complaints procedures as you've enough on your mind without all this.

Take care.

I have been up most of the night. Letter has gone to Bindmans informing them of what has happened and formal complaint has gone to Kent County Council about the SW.

Thank you all for your advice and assistance. It is much appreciated. And I know I sound like a robot but I am beginning to feel like one.........

And now you need a kip!

Hope yup and son recovering each day from recent events. Take care. X

CinnabarRed - you are a star. Well done.

Wannabe - hugs. Lots of them. Hope you are getting some sleep.

Have phoned the hospital and he has had a 'relatively settled night'. Am so relieved, night time is always so difficult for him.

I will sleep eventually but at the moment however tired my body is my brain is not agreeing lol

Nice hot bath with a good book? Just switch off for a while?

I've been lurking on this thread for the last few days wanna, I'm so sorry for you
I really think you should go to your GP and get signed off with stress, there is no GP that wouldn't do this as it's affecting your physical health as well.
At least it would be one thing of your plate,
Have you considered it?

I have thought about my options work wise. I am debating asking for a day off a week to deal with all DS related things and just unwind a bit. My school has a linked in service policy with regard to having time off. As I have already been off with crohns I would only get half pay. I can't live on this and maintain my house.

I am off in the morning anyway as in hospital having tests as just come off steroids after three years. Will be able to take DS's to school normal time and not rush in the morning. Due in school by eleven.

I generally feel ok in the morning. Quite motivated and on the ball. By the end of the day I feel over whelmed, ill and have this feeling of crushing despair. The general day to day stuff is plodded through.......

God OP, I posted on here back near the beginning under a different name and I'm so sorry to see that nothing has really changed :(

No practical advice to offer just sympathy and (((hugs)))

Wannabe I can remember the times when I was hammering out letters of complaint in the wee small hours and posting them as dawn rose. I can empathsise with feeling overwhelmed and the crushing despair. I cried on the kitchen floor a few times.

But..... this is the worst period, while no long term plans have yet been made and the future looks so uncertain. Things will improve - I thought they never would, but they will.

You just need to stay strong and you'll get there. I had to get signed off sick for 2 months as there was just too much admin to do to get son's support sorted and deal with solicitors etc after the working day. You may need to look for that break from work too.

Best wishes

I'm immensely relieved to know that your ds is recovering and that you have spoken to him and, hopefully, you will be visiting him this week.

I've copied and pasted the following from your county council's website - 'accomodated' applies to a child who is in voluntary care:

"If the child is accommodated, the LA does not have parental responsibility although they undertake day to day parental responsibilities for the child on behalf of the child's parents and any other adult who has parental responsibility for the child. Any decisions made about the child will be made together with the child's parents."

From the above, it would appear that the sw acted in breach of the LA's policy in that a decision was made in respect of a care plan for your ds on his discharge from hospital and it was decided that she would communicate this to him by way of a visit without any prior discussion with you.

IME there are lies, damn lies, and the outrageous porkies told by some social workers when they're caught bang to rights. Without wishing to engender paranoia, I'm aware that some complainants have become victims of concerted campaigns to discredit them.

It wouldn't be at all surprising if you wanted to tear this sw limb from limb and I suspect that there'd be no shortage of volunteers willing to assist you (I'll take her left leg). However, when you sup with the devil that can be a local authority or similar bureaucratic institution that is on the defensive, you need a very long spoon and a very cool head.

I note that you have already fired off a complaint and I would strongly advise you not to enter into any further communication with the LA until you have spoken to your/ds's solicitor.

I would also urge you not to engage in any conversation with this social worker or any of her colleagues and. should she/they attempt to speak with you, I would advise you to state that, under the circumstances, you will only respond to written communications.

I would also strongly suggest you take this line should any employee of your LA wish to speak to you about this or any other matter and, as for any meeting they may propose, it goes without saying that you shoud not attend unless you are accompanied by a trusted companion who can take verbatim minutes or clandestinely record the proceedings.

Hopefully, you are are about to discover that the joy of having a solicitor on the case is that you won't need to tax your brain or burn the midnight oil laboriously drafting and editing letters of complaint or rebuttal

Good luck with the doctors this morning - I'll be thinking of you. You're long overdue for good news, honey, and I sincerely hope it arrives by the bucketload in the very near future.

I have gone back over the original paperwork. Because SS did not think they could accomodate DS and were very reluctant to even try the paperwork states two weeks RESPITE. Nothing else.

I agree though Izzy in hindsight. I have lodged my complaint and that's all I am going to do. I am aware that spreading myself too thinly and trying to take on too many battles could mean losing them all and my sanity.......

Good morning Izzy anyway :}

Ho ho ho... if that's the case, honey, they are so far up shit creek they might as well sink the canoe now as that particular torpedo will send them down like the Titanic.

And a very good morning to you, too. You've put a smile on my face and I hope you're wearing an equally large

Have phoned the ward tonight and he managed literally three minutes on the phone. He sounded very depressed and said he was going to bed. The worry is almost too much. He will normally try and chat but he just couldn't. He just told me he had been reviewed and nothing has changed. (he is on 2:1 nursing)
I am hoping they will lift the restrictions so I can see him this weekend.