Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Hi All : )

Ive been lurking and reading for a while...I think you are all so very brave and find you have given me so much insight into my own situation.

I am still in my (prison) relationship, Im not yet ready to leave or ask him to (again).

Just wanted to say hey and thanks.

I wish i was as brave as you lot are.

So H was late for the second contact visit - arranged to see DS at home, cos he was ill.

He texted saying he was going to be 20mins, 45mins after he was supposed to see DS.

I said it was too late and cancelled the visit, but now he has made me feel like shit, cos I am depriving DS of his dad and he didn't "really" do anything wrong.

I know this is absolutely typical of him, and his passive-aggressive lateness and forgetting is deliberately to push my buttons. I suppose it will take a while to learn how to switch off from that.

Trying to breathe...and stay calm-ish

Ahhh, but the 'lateness' is all part of the plan, and if I had known I would have stood firm from the outset.
Its part of a way of controlling you, your time is worth nothing to them, they can come and go as they please, keep you waiting, etc. What if you had made arrangements to do something else and it was messing with your plans? I think you did the right thing in cancelling tbh, I spent months waiting for ex to bother to turn up. My therapist suggested that I make a back up plan, I NEVER hid the fact that he should be coming from DD, and if he failed to turn up then we went out and did something together. She said that I shouldnt try to cover for his tardiness, but just make sure that I was always there and didnt let her down myself. She said that by covering for him (ie not saying he was coming to save her from the upset when he didnt turn up) I was setting him up to be the 'golden boy' who never did anything wrong, and was wonderful when he DID bother to turn up.

Thanks Nettle - yes it is his preferred tactic, as then it is never his fault - always traffic etc.

I think that is interesting about telling your DD. How old is she? I haven't told DS yet of any arrangements, but he is only 2.5 and doesn't seem to mention his dad much at all, so I am not sure I want to bring it up and then deal with the fallout IFYSWIM.

Good grief...i don't think I've ever had so much validation in my life...you ladies are awesome!

Not looking forward to tomorrow morning..he's decided to come at 9 am he's off to work at 1pm, do you think he's expecting lunch?? Actually might make lunch cos DS1 is very anxious and does not want to see H..gives an excuse for them to stick around the house . Not ideal but I don't want them to feel vulnerable..have told them they can talk to h or me about anything..no secrets, adults mustn't ask children to keep secrets except good birthday type ones..hope that helps with the manipulation.

Am I the only person who is actually glad SS are involved now?

Having plenty of my own feelings just now...if I can stay for long enough that might give the energy to see this through!

whoops plenty

Nettle/Angry..gosh, so many ways to mess with our minds and make us feel bad!!

screamadelica...I am not so brave...quivering wreck of humanity...just quite stubborn and frightened of going back to PRISON!!! DCs need me whole, I need me whole and I've been whittled away to a fragment of my former self by 13 years of looking after a grown up toddler. Gird your loins take a good look at your situation (and the info at the start of this thread) and make life better for yourself somehow...even if it's staying where you are but doing things slightly differently, you deserve to be you, and all of you. Be good to yourself and keep lurking...or even post, I'm a relative newbie but there are people on here who could (??do) have a career rescuing people's minds from what's going on around them.

Pixie, keep on going!

hello ladies- glad you are talking about contact with the dcs. The time is approaching (I think, Im pretty sure, I hope) when stbxh will be moving out ..yeah! Now Im starting to worry about contact with the dds. We have a mediation session to try and come to some agreements about it, but I dont hold out much hope..it was worse than useless to organise our financial 'agreement'.. He initially said he wanted to see them couple of times a week after school, take them to school in the mornings and have them to stay EO weekend..got NO idea why I ever really believed this was his intentiaon...he only sees them in passing now whilst he lives with us. I think he said it because he wanted me to object, but I didnt - i want him to have a relationship with them..Or do I? I think he could be quite damaging for dd1 (6 yo)- he clearly favours dd2 (1 yo) and says things like 'I dont want to deal with this child' in front of her, he says I have ruined her and he tried to tell me from when she was small but I wouldnt listen and so now he cant have a relationship with her, because of the way I have raised her. So he calls me to discipline her, after shouting at her and getting no where, because she shouts back. He behaves like a child as well, and I am supposed to referee???? back him up???? its crazy. I cant back him up because i think he's wrong. He has never invested any time with them, which is why they have friction. (Although, this also is my fault apparently-he doesnt spend time with his kids because he hates me and cant stand the sight of my face). He just expects to be able to be absent and then waltz in and have her do exactly what he says when he says it-no arguing/discussing/ negotiation/ explanations/ playing fo time..nothing

when he has gone, at least our home will be free from the mind f**k for her but what can I expect for her from him??? I dont know what to do? there isnt anything I can do is there?

scream your time will come

Hate the idea of contact....my H messed with my head for 13 years !!!!! If he walked off into the sunset I think they would be better off. I'm not saying that there is NO care for them, just that everything goes through the ego they only exist in relation to him, not individually. DS1 is so damaged. Just hoping that home being a mess free zone will eventually allow healing!
Beej, unless someone really powerful decides no contact then no...but mediation...???really worth it with these chaps?????At least this time your expectations will be low!

scream all of us can remember feeling as you do. It is a LONG road, and our supposed bravery is helped massively by support, research and gradual insight, to the point that it changes our perspective, and we are simply unable to stay. You will get there, just plug yourself into the thread and hold on to our hands!

And its ok to say you're not able to leave yet.
You might not want to. We understand that. It isnt easy but at the same time its the devil you know. Freedom brings it's own challenges, but OMG do you feel alive. Because you are finally LIVING.
Have I tempted you to stay with us yet?

fool- so does yours have any contact? how old is your ds?

i suppose i'll just have to be really honest with her and talk through with her, after he visits about what went on??? shes too wee to be TO honest at 6 yo old though.

yeah-pah! to mediation, it is just inflammatory. I am still stupidly hoping it might be of some use to discuss the kids??? the kids arent as close to his heart as money and making sure he's getting 'his fair share', so he may be more reasonable?

scream all of us can remember feeling as you do. It is a LONG road, and our supposed bravery is helped massively by support, research and gradual insight, to the point that it changes our perspective, and we are simply unable to stay. You will get there, just plug yourself into the thread and hold on to our hands!

MO The above paragraph is now starting to make sense to me, thanks MO. I am going through a change in my perspective - its hard gradually realising the life I am living isnt normal and the feelings I once had for my H have gone because I realise now what he has done to me over the years with his chipping away behaviour. I love my DCs but it is them that is making me question my decisions - I really want whats best for them, and when you're feeling shit its hard to accept I am the best option for them - If we didnt have children I would have been gone a long time ago..

Rambling now as usual - hello new and old lovely ladies(and the odd gent)

Take care everyone xxxxxx

iwillbefree i felt the same about the kids- I delayed leaving for a long time because i thought staying together was better for them

but the support, research and gradual insight eventually made me see it is better for the kids to leave. Its damaging to stay. I couldnt bare it if my dds were in a relationship like the one I have with their father; if they grew up thinking that was normal, that was love

i kept reading that and reading that, I think people on here told me-it took a long time for me to believe it. Now I am 100% certain that for the sake of the kids, you should leave

Oh bejeezus I had a pang when I read your words the kids aren't as close to his heart as money

This morning I sent an email to my Ex asking why he isn't paying the same as we agreed into our joint account. We left a sum in there to help pay our DC Uni expenses and we are both meant to be paying in the same each month (even though he earns 3 x what I earn). But he has been paying half my rent and subtracting that from the kids account, as well as taking all his expenses for the family house. So the account is going down and down. And I CAN'T afford to pay any more.

I know this is going to be a painful discussion and I am dreading it. But he has £10000 more in his bank than he should and our DC are being short changed. So for their sake I need to be strong.

AARGH!

what are you going to do LHOH

Ive been thinking about you recentl and wondering what happened about your dd being caught with no car insurance/tax thanks to your ex. Did he hold his hands up and take the blame?

Dear all,
haven't been on here a while. But wanted to say that the important this is to create a tiny piece of normal for you and your DCs - no definition of what normal is - but whatever feels safe and secure. Gradually that little area gets bigger and you begin to put boundaries back in to make it even more secure and then it becomes untouchable, whatever happens. One day you wake up and you have huge expanse of normal. For me it's doing what me and the DCs feel like when we want, then I get to put on Nina Simone's Feeling Good, have and just be. There are always hiccups every day and always some regrets but I'm getting there.

thats good to hear nothaunted - i think when you are still in it, you fear that normal is never coming back. Im almost holding my breath until he has gone. Its so so close.

I love Nina Simone-what a great song. I sing 'To Love Somebody' at the dds, the sentiment goes unheard as the delivery is so awful

bej I hope I get to that point soon, when I am sure and not full of self doubt. Going to keep reading and educating myself in the hope I get stronger and stronger.

I dont think I know what it really feels like to be loved by a man - H is all I've known and I know now he is incapable of loving anyone but himself.

Tired and teary now - off to bed nite nite xxxxx

oh gosh IWBF did I come across a bit smug? sorry-i am 100% certain now. There are still moments of doubt. But the doubt is turning into regret mostly- that it didnt turn out the way it should/could have- rather than thinking 'maybe it could'

but-yes-i'm sure you will get there. I think it is a hard hard painful process. But you WILL be stronger.

Ive been feeling sad about not being loved a bit recently--im concentrating on enjoying the love from the kids, and really appreciating love from friends and of course loving myself. And it feels good.

sleep well x

Sleep well all. Everything looks better in the morning I find.

I can't believe how nice my New Man is. He is SO appreciative and grateful for what I do for him. His Ex was borderline abusive and he just doesn't expect me to be kind to him. His wife was the type to get annoyed with him for breathing, having things in his pockets, eating, not eating and so on. She must have hated him!

bej the Ex got the car MOTed and insured on the monday morning and went with DD to the police station and took the blame. They were very kind to her and agreed she would get a penalty but only 3 points. They warned her that she should always check and never believe anyone in future. As far as I know nothing has come through yet so they may have let her off even.

If Ex gets away with it again without consequences it won't surprise me. He can always put on the charm.

Morning is here....H is due in 20 mins for first contact since I asked him to go last Sunday. DS1 is 8 does not want to see his daddy ( not surprising...when i started to realise I was being manipulated the abuse shifted gear and landed on him . ALL the children are still asleep in bed (how likely is that???they are usually up with the larks...or before)...can't bear to wake them.
not even sure I should be letting H see them really but in the absence of a legal reason (and bolts on the door) felt couldn't prevent...now am regretting not holding out for longer intil Social worker gets back from holiday!!

have to agree that in some cases staying togther for the children is a myth worth busting..tho I did it for ages

If Ex gets away with it again without consequences it won't surprise me. He can always put on the charm all the time, everywhere and with everyone...even when he assaulted a tesco driver and was taken down to the police station!! .

beej we are so early on in the break-up (day 6 today)that I don't know what I am doing...I just tell DCs that whatever they feel is ok, that they can say anything to me and that they don't have to defend Mum and Dad nor protect us from each other..no secrets....quotes from Lundy really...but they are little (age 10 downwards)...feeling my way in the dark.

IWBF I agree...I really don't know what it is to have a partner...just a big toddler to look after, I can't believe I will ever be able to function normally as a couple cos I've got so much training to be the carer.

BUT I take comfort that time will heal and to be honest..alone without the extra toddler in man's clothes has got to be better than with him!

Sorry I haven't been around. Been a bit depressed and shying away from the board as I know what I have to do but things are so complicated. Have to go away with him and the DCs in three weeks for three weeks and I'm dreading it.
I've noticed the drinking pattern lately. He starts drinking and doesn't know when to stop. He went through a few bottles of wine at a party recently. When his own wine was gone there were still two bottles there belonging to other people (who had left to go to bed) and he opened those and shared them with two others there. The night we returned from the party he had another two bottles of wine and last night had another bottle of wine and can of beer. When I came downstairs to get some meds at 2am and have a cigarette I mentioned that both DCs had activities this morning and he went off on one "I'm not getting up" he said , when I said I couldn't be two places at one time - as well as the fact I'm ill again, he started to rant about how I am a hypochondriac and have an imaginary illness. He asked do I just come down to rile him up? I said no. .but he ranted on anyway. How I think of no one but myself how he cant even come near me anymore how I don't show him any care or affection (um,Iwonderwhy) when I responded (quietly) that to me the only time he cared about me was when he wanted sex. (True)he then raised his voice and I asked him not to as the DCs would be woken which enraged him even more. He told me no to f-ing tell him what to do - "who do you think you are . I'm sick of you."
I got up to leave and then noticed he was drinking the small bottle of vodka I had gotten for the party. I don't drink much with my illness so I bought that and thought could keep it for future nights. I said "is that my vodka?"
He snarled at me and threw the vodka all over the floor. I just stood there shocked for a minute and turned on my heel an walked out the door to go to bed as he called me bitch and c* on the way. For about 15mins while I was upstairs he was ranting to himself about me.
Then he stormed upstairs , was shitting myself, he snatched the pillows out of the bed an went to the spare room. He let me get up with the DCs of course. I had to cancel their activities on account of being unable to function properly this morning with the illness.
I actually genuinely hate my life.I hate myself.

Don't hate yourself BL.....save it for someone who makes you feel like that. We've all had times of sticking our head in the sand...self preservation, but I think the lightbulb moments never just go away. Hope you can feel a bit better later.

Morning....Madam...Yes I will stay if thats ok? I need you lot to make it all seem sane.

I went to bed last night Thinking "my time WILL come" beej. Thanks

Re Staying for / Leaving for the kids and contact
I got ex kicked out when DD was 2 as I knew that I didnt want her to grow up and see what we had as 'normal' although for ex it WAS normal (He has gone on to behave in the same way with successive gfs and has another child who he left) I couldnt bear for her to be treated the way I was being treated, and i didnt want her to see her father treat her mother in such a way.
Ex had sporadic contact for a while, always on his terms, turned up late or not at all without bothering to let us know (screaming abuse and cancelling if we called to see where he was), would phone after several weeks of no contact and expect us to drop everything to accommodate 'his' day - a couple of times she refused to go as he had left it too long, or he brought her back as she was crying and he couldnt deal with it. She has a medical condition which requires medication and he would never remember or learn anything about it - always rung every week to make me tell him what needed doing, or taking her to places which were detrimental to her health (usually the pub with his mates before the smoking ban) After a little while we began to do as my therapist said. Set boundaries regarding contact - going out if he wasnt there on time, not accomodating him if he failed to arrange things in time, basically shifting the responsibility for arranging contact correctly onto him. Inevitably contact reduced from once a week to around once every 3-4 weeks. Then something happened which really brought home how I had done the right thing by leaving. DD (aged just 6 at that time) witnessed an example of his version of a 'normal' relationship, and the fact that she was crying hysterically and clasping to his gf in fear didnt stop him. I wont go into the details but she was so frightened that she didnt want to see him and she had to have CAHMs councilling for many weeks.
I told him that he had scared her and she was frightened to see him, he of course got abusive - tried to turn it round to her fault, she was lying, she was manipulative, I was a bad mother and he was going to take me to court to get her. I took legal advice and as he wouldnt engage and refused supervised contact, tried to bully me in mediation, he ended up with no contact for 3 1/2 years. During this time he moved abroad and then returned and turned up at the school, which started her nightmares again. It was only because I took out a prohibitive steps order to prevent him taking her from school or my care that he tried to instigate any contact. He now has contact for around 1-2 hours every 2 weeks, supervised by my mother and I have no contact at all. He still maintains that none of what she witnessed happened (he tried to dispue it in court, but the judge wasnt interested) but as the GF came to me (see my eureka moment upthread) I knew what I always knew, and that what DD said to me was completely true. In fact it was worse than she thought, as I know the reasons behind it too, from the gf.
But what it made me realise was that I had totally done the right thing for DD, removing her from such a destructive relationship. I had allowed her a life which WAS normal, of course we have fights, most 11 year olds push the boundaries, but she feels loved and safe and secure in our home. She loves DP and she has a positive male role model around. I dont think this would be true if I had stayed so that she had her 'daddy' at home. She would have become used to the treatment she was so shocked by when she saw it at age 6, that would have been her role. She would have lived a life frightened or hardened, it would have affected her self esteem and all her future relationships. She gave me the strength to get out, and I saved her by doing it.