Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

I totally relate to that bellsring

When my Ex found a new girlfriend it was like the Eye of Sauron had turned it's relentless gaze away from my Little House and I was free from him. Huge relief!!

And my friends actually thought I might be upset. Hahahahaha...

Littlehouse - do you know your ex's girlfriend? Do you ever wonder whether he has started playing up with her too?

Or were you so relieved, you have never given it a thought?

I met the ex's girlfriend when she was trying to leave. She came to my house and it was like an Eureka moment - her story mirrored mine to such an extent that we could hardly believe that we had heard the same lines, had the same questions and doubts about various incidents, believed him to be the identical 'poor innocent' as each other. It was uncanny. He was physically abusive with her though, to a horrible extent - I saw the bruises. And he raped her. But she was alot fiestier than me, so probably answered back, and he was further involved with cocaine by that time. She was due to leave the UK and leave him behind, but sadly she must have found she was pg just before and fallen for his pleading to try again. Needless to say they returned to the UK about 18 months later, she unsurprisingly seemed to have none of the money left from the house she had sold, and she was left holding the baby. I worry about the child, as ex seems to encourage his bad behaviour and refuses to allow him to be told 'no'. But to be fair I have only met the child once, and only hear about him 3rd hand from what the ex says to my mother when he has supervised contact with DD, so I may be wrong there.

I confess to keeping half an eye open on these threads for my exs' wives. I suspect X1 is divorced again - and am not going to go looking for the info - but, despite knowing so much better, can't shake off the feeling that X2 only behaved like he did 'because of me'. I've made sure W2 knows how to get in touch with me if she needed to but, as we recognise, there's a world of denial and fear in front of that contact.

I envy you your eureka moment with your ex's next target, Nettle :(

Ex doesn't have a new girlfriend yet afaik. I struggled for a while with thoughts of having to intervene; attempting to warn any new gf. I'm over those thoughts now: I realize that people must make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons; a new gf is unlikely to hear what she doesn't want to hear from me. But I do hope that any new gf will see the light as I have, and I fantasize about her getting in touch with me when she is gearing to leave or has left, so I can validate her reality for her.

...and I really, really hope that no-one has any DC with him.

JL's got 2DC. They're going to grow up a bit strange ...

How strange, I was saying to my lift share friend on the way home tonight i wonder if the ex has found himself a new mummy girlfriend yet.

Not that I'd wish him on anyone but, just musing, only a matter of time before the next one finds out how many nappies he needs in a day :)

Hi Everyone, waves to all the newbies and regulars. Sorry I have been AWOL, this single parent malarkly is tiring! :) ok so Saturday is the day he 'officially moves out' ie the day he's meant to come round collect and move his big stuff like the wardrobe etc into his new flat. His new attempt? telling me he doesn't have the keys yet but he already has the tenancy agreement?! wtf? can't blame the twit him for trying though thinking I can no longer see through his BS x

Good Luck Misspixietrix
He'll be saying all sorts won't he.

Pixie, yes expect every trick in the book.
FOTH OMG look at you! i am doing a semi-hysterical dance of joy WELL DONE YOU!
Yellowtang I need to catch up on your thread, but it looks like you gave him the boot? That is so, so, brave, esp with his family breathing down your neck. Stay with us, we will hold your hand. You're doing brilliantly!

yes I scare myself sometimes at how much I believed him. I fell for it when the police removed him, I can remember him saying to me "You even got them ringing the HO to check I was legitimate"' took me a few days to realise that actually if the police DID want to check him out all they had to do was come inside and ask for his documents! which I made sure I pointed out to him when he next came to see the DC's! :o FOTH :) YT Hold on in there you can do it x

yes I scare myself sometimes at how much I believed him. I fell for it when the police removed him, I can remember him saying to me "You even got them ringing the HO to check I was legitimate"' took me a few days to realise that actually if the police DID want to check him out all they had to do was come inside and ask for his documents that have been here the past 8yrs! which I made sure I pointed out to him when he next came to see the DC's! :o FOTH :) YT Hold on in there you can do it x

sorry about the double post was editing the first one when it somehow sent anyway? x

Of course you were taken in by him; you fell in love with him so that gives an abusive person a great deal of power over the person who is in love with them. If only we knew, when we fell in love with that person, what we know now.

And, if other people are often 'taken in', ,charmed', then it's hardly surprising that not only would you be 'taken in', you also may well have had that person being loving, kind, affectionate......

hi ladies, a litle post as at my Mum's today..with DCs poor GPs they have plenty to deal with at the mo (Mum ill with chemo). In theory OH is movignout as I type. (mini dance around kitchen table) ...will believe it if/when I see it!!

Children still validating me by being so much more relaxed and happy........mention Daddy in passing and no distress!

Well done Pixie and YT....thinking of all you MN ladies with constant gratitude for opening my eyes.........!!

no time to read last few posts

just wanted to say that I have now name changed, I am still saddened and still sorted.

Hi to you all. Seems lots happening and for the good ... keep dancing round the table at GPs. Funny but I wanted someone to dance around the kitchen with when I met ex ... instead I got floors of eggshells to tread, but we are back to happy times in my kitchen .
There will be ups and downs along the way, but as I know now and never believed back in the summer things do get better.

Of course, fool, you don't need me to tell you that Fool on the Hill is part of the Magical Mystery Tour EP set .

The petition may drop though our letterbox any day now. Yesterday I said solicitor said I needed to take him off my credit card, he said "you don't have to" then 15 min later there was his card cut up on my pillow. I feel more Blue Jay Way than Magical Mystery Tour.

Oh wow foth and pixie AMAZING how wonderful. I'm so pleased for you!

hi Ladies..back home and I think I can see the lie of the land!

Got back this morning to find the bolts taken off the doors (and taken away) and a minimal amount of clothing removed...with the excuse that most of it is in the wash (!!!!). Nothing else gone not even the beloved cds/books.

Nice letter though!! Saying he understands I might be feeling vulnerable and suggesting (!!) that some of our friends and relations might be alarming me without cause (Does Lundy count as friend/relation?)

Apparently he is "swallowing his pride and seeing a therapist"

Felt vulnerable and very much as if I was doing the wrong thing until I realised that there is no sign of accountability any where for his actions.

Guess this hill might be quite steep and very long ?

First contact with children tomorrow (instigated by me..the first and last time I will do all the work to get it done!)

amitooangry was reading Lundy's book "when dad hurts mum" and he has a whole section of abusive men using contact in the way yours is...made me on your behalf. Mine's going to do victim all the way to the corner and then come out fighting I think......

He took the bolts off the door and came inside to help himself to stuff and leave a letter? How fucking violating is that!

suggesting (!!) that some of our friends and relations might be alarming me without cause

...because god forbid you should have your own feelings and opinions about his behaviour

I realised that there is no sign of accountability any where for his actions

Hurrah! Well done you!

What a twat. No, make that what a cunt

FOTH
How fucking dare he take the bolts off the doors???!!! And then STEAL them! Ask for them back. If he refuses call the police and report theft! He is compromising your safety

That's what they do, isn't it? Go into angry little boy mode?

"angry" being just about the only way they know how to express any emotion, yes. And "little boy" their stage of emotional maturity.