Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Phew...!!!!!!

should sort out the techy stuff though!!!!!

another day...doing screwing in curtain rails today!

Hi - just wanted a bit of hand-holding and support as first contact visit with STBXH is today. I kicked him out two weeks ago, after realising thanks to MN that he was emotional abusive passive-aggressive.

I have all the ducks in a row but I think he will lay on the emotional blackmail big time about DS, how can I be so selfish etc.

Please tell me I am working myself up over nothing, or any strategies to deal?

Thanks

how old are your dc and where is the contact visit taking place

DS is 2.5 and we are meeting in a cafe/soft play this afternoon.

Regarding new threads when this one gets full, I've got a Word doc that just needs to be copy-pasted into the first post of any new thread; it's already formatted for the bolding and links to magically appear when posted.

If anybody wants to PM me their e-mail address, I can send it to you so that more of us have copies of it to start new threads with.

amitooangry your asking for strategies for dealing with your ex but all i can suggest is not having any contact. Can you not just leave your ds at the soft play with your ex? other than greeting him, i don't think it's necessary for you to stay and talk. Tell him you'll communicate via text and e-mail.

I have actually written him a letter, with some details about joint stuff etc - and some post for him, which I will hand over. I think I will just retreat out of sight of DS.

The problem is, I think he hasn't quite grasped that he can have contact with DS, but not with me. He keeps saying he just wants to "chat" - which is interesting cos he was never that interested in chatting to me before!

If you stick to your guns about no contact, eventually he'll just have to grasp it. Start as you mean to go on and set some boundaries. Just because he wants to chat doesn't mean you have to. It's OK for you to do what you want.

What a beautiful day it is here now the storm is over.

amitoo the best way to deal with him is not to engage, to keep him at arm's length so he can't start to wheedle you or manipulate you or make you upset or guilty or whatever. He will know exactly which buttons to push so don't let him near them.

I have had a sudden realisation after reading springydaffs thread.
Those who have grown up in abusive families have well developed antennae from the whole eggshell crunching experience of family life. So when in turn they partner up they are extremely sensitive to criticism, can pick up tiny inflections in mood and atmosphere as their lives depended on it from an early age.

In my ExH case he had an abusive DF and a Narc DM and he was the painfully good child who tried so hard to make it all OK.

Fast forward to twenty years of marriage with me, and he is perceiving slights and being offended and hurt and calling me abusive when I express any displeasure with him. And I am coming from a background of a family where Women are Never Angry and am guilty if I criticise anyone at all even when they are being monstrously selfish.

NO WONDER!!! And no wonder that I am so amazed when normal relaxed people don't kick off because you looked at them in a funny way or thought something unkind.

Another piece of the puzzle falls into place!

Just a little note from freedom central (Day 2 now) to make you LOL or cry or depending on where you are at the moment!!!

When "packing to leave"...for work and return to his brother's address H obviously emptied most of his wardrobe into the laundry basket before he went........ guess who washed and ironed most of it before realising...that I really don't have too???????

Despite temptation to chuck the lot back in the mud...have left them neatly folded in the largest suitcase I can find with a polite note saying I hope it saves him a bit of time so he can be finished by the time we return on Thursday evening....who thinks he wants a foot back in the door any time he wants???? (show of hands.......me, me, me, me).

Off to visit my mum with DCs now for 2 days...amazing really, she has breast cancer and is having chemo at the moment...but she's still insisting on seeing ALL of us....were're like a swarm of locusts.........See you when we get back,

Note to yellowtang hang on in there...you will find yourself and your children will help you, stay strong.

sweep hope this thread is more encouraging than your own!!!!

I really enjoyed the satisfying 'click' as pieces of your puzzle slotted into place, LittleHouse! :) :)

Thanks garlicBZ we are all in this together! You have helped me a lot

He's out for an hour.

I've not read back. Ho's everyone doing? LAst I was here, someone (sorry can't remember the username) was going to have a chat with her "d"h. How did that go?

My dh can act. I have decided. All lovely before his family came up. Back to normal already. On the weekend I was thinking to myself, I shouldn't be thinking of leaving. I am in the wrong about him.

He does bloody well know how to act towards me. Obviously he chooses not to.

Can't wait to meet with someone from WA next week.

Hurrah, sweep! Well said.

Thank you, LH :)

sweep talk went badly (used every weapon in his "victim" handbook!!) but with good outcome...he's supposedly coming back from work Thursday and packing up (see post above...nice clean clothes!!)

Children however look like they have been reborn....expect it won't stay like this but will make the most of it for now!

All best wishes for you...keep going on the journey...and don't be taken in by the act.....as the trendy among us say.."keep it real""

going away to see ill mum now with DCs...if I can find everything in the chaos...oh hooray , the bag is already packed for emergency exit on Sunday...an unexpected bonus!

oh Foot. Have an unmumsnet (((hug)))
Well done for having the chat though.
Take care lovely lady x

will do!!
PS I am not claiming to be trendy by the way.....far, far from it...now where is my best bakolite radio...oh no...retro is trendy!!!!LOL not the way I do it!

looking forward to changing the locks on Friday! (my diy skills are improving by the day)

sweepit - of course he knows how to behave decently to family/in public. It is, I know, very upsetting when the person you live with CHOOSES to behave unkindly to you. Your DH is probably a charming, convivial host with family and guests.

We all behave differenty behind closed doors, but there is a difference between acceptable behaviour and those who 'put on a performance' to the extent there seems to be a personality transplant.

As expected h didnt want to interact with ds and was pissed off when he realised i woudlnt get into discussion. He was late blaming a puncture and only wanted ds for 30mins. I am trying to be strong!

clearly you are being strong: you wouldn't get into a discussion with him. Well done! It will get easier each time.

30 minutes...!!!!..no you are definitely not tooangry

sweepWhy do these abusers spend so much effort on fooling everyone?...surely actually being nice would be soooo much easier...stay strong and keep the REAL HIM in your mind. Took me 13 years to see mine for what he is..no way am I being sucked in again, Keep posting so those wise ones on here can help you to be strong...you know you are!

Why do these abusers spend so much effort on fooling everyone?...surely actually being nice would be soooo much easier

Because by fooling others, they can continue to fool themselves. And it has to be "fooling", because deep down they believe (or know?) that they are worthless shits. "Actually being nice" would not be "easier" for them, as they have no capacity for empathy. That makes actually being nice very hard indeed for them. It has to be faked.

Ok - so the contact visit is over. DS is back with me. It's clear his actual agenda was engage in point scoring against me as I think he actually put DS into the creche for 30mins rather than entertain him, himself!

I handed over some paperwork and post and he berated me because the items I forwarded last week hadn't arrived - like that is my fault!

Also, accused me of not handling this "maturely" and "friendly" - well he had 6 years to be friendly so its a bit late now.

and breathe!

They don't want to be nice. They choose to behave the way they do. I spent years asking 'why can't he just stop the war he has with me and be nice'. He didn't want to. My experience has been him waging a continual war against me, and if I don't cooperate, I am immature. If he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it, then I am difficult. And the trying to win against me hasn't stopped yet. One battle after the other. One demand after the other. One threat after the other...........
Happy days!

I'm hoping that when my ex has a steady girlfriend, he can then focus his 'attention' on her.