Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

262 replies

John39 · 26/09/2011 15:46

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 28/09/2011 23:11

Dearie me. And you allowed yourself to be chased away by a bunch of girls Smile

Original poster
John39 · 29/09/2011 09:25

@LRDTheFeministDragon,

"John, you do know feminism is not a 'religion' and cannot determine 'heresy' ... even as a silly joke."

No, now you're confusing apostasy with heresy. You are very confused aren't you?

"feminism is and ideology not a religion"
right, if you actually had a clue you'd know that debate (religion/ideology) is as old as religion itself.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 29/09/2011 10:36

John, why did you start this thread? If you had wanted a discussion on feminism/ideology/religion, then you could have done so.

Instead, you have told a story that now appears completely irrelevant - not only that, but you have drawn people in that have tried to help and advise you, and then insulted them.

This is not the way to make friends and influence people on MN.

VeryLittleGravitas · 29/09/2011 10:51

I don't think he's even interested in a debate Abby. He just wanted to come on here and call his wife seven different kinds of bitch while having his ego stroked. Now he's indulging in an almighty hissyfit and trying to pick fights with everyone who responds to him.

Granny got it spot on IMO.

Grannyof6 · 29/09/2011 11:00

Thanks you Very.

By the way, I'm not sure why my messages were deleted. What did I do wrong?

VeryLittleGravitas · 29/09/2011 11:04

ad hominem attack,granny...not in the rules of engagement.

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/09/2011 11:12

I suspect you were reported, Granny. Whilst I disagree with your opinion of the OP, I do think he might in fact be a knob.

Original poster
John39 · 29/09/2011 13:51

@AbbyAbsinthe,

"Instead, you have told a story that now appears completely irrelevant - not only that, but you have drawn people in that have tried to help and advise you, and then insulted them."

Truly breathtaking hypocrisy.

Insulted, who have I insulted, where?

On the other hand I've been called "twat", "knob" and accused of flirting.
What a joke.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 29/09/2011 13:55

Ok then - so answer the question! What did you start the thread for? Why haven't you mentioned your marital break up AT ALL for the last few pages? Your general manner is insulting and patronising. And you know it.

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/09/2011 13:57

Do you also notice that you haven't thanked the people that tried to help you?

AnyF · 29/09/2011 14:10

John, there is a FB page that is currently in need of having it's number of members swelled by 100%

It's called "Mumsnet Sucks"

Would you be interested at all ? Or are you currently affiliated with it ?

reelingintheyears · 29/09/2011 14:31

Sadwhy do they do it...these blokies?

I got to page 4 and started to wonder when it would turn...flipped to the last page and bingo !.

Tyr · 29/09/2011 14:50

John,

There have been at least three threads recently on contact/residence issues where an OP has actually revealed themselves to be the other party. Since I have knowledge in that area, I posted advice and then regretted it; partially at least.
I don?t know if this is another one but I?ll take the chance?..
You have posted derogatory stuff about your wife who is your children?s mother.
Somewhere else she will be saying derogatory stuff about you, their father.
It?s not good but understandable and hopefully you will both get it out of your systems and focus on what is important- the children.
Do not try and influence them or make them feel they have to choose. That will damage them.
Do not let them sense any tension between you at handovers as that will damage them too. Take responsibility for your own part in that and rise above.
Try and keep communications with your ex civil and, if you can use a reasonable third party in the interim, do so.
Speak to a good family lawyer about your options and suggest mediation with your ex to defuse some of the tension and find common ground for the sake of your children.
In the meantime, do everything possible to make change as smooth and trauma free for them.
Don?t berate your ex over housework. If she was at home with young children, she had her hands full in ways you probably haven?t considered.
This has nothing to do with ideology of any sort; much less your view of how your perception of feminism has influenced the situation.

AbbyAbsinthe · 29/09/2011 15:43

Good post, Tyr. I quite often disagree with your posts, but that one is great Smile

However, I can't help but think that John is no longer concerned with all that. He's currently collaborating evidence of women burning their bras Wink

VeryLittleGravitas · 29/09/2011 15:44

John

You singled out LRD,who has been nothing but polite in her postings,and subjected her to a series of crass and patronising comments.

I notice that you don't do the same with some of the more militant posters, but prefer to adopt an air of wounded innocence with them instead.

You're not a visitor from CIF by any chance? There's something familiar about your posting style...

Original poster
John39 · 29/09/2011 17:09

@AbbyAbsinthe,

"Ok then - so answer the question! What did you start the thread for? Why haven't you mentioned your marital break up AT ALL for the last few pages? Your general manner is insulting and patronising. And you know it."

Did you not read what grannyof6 wrote before it was deleted? It was an unwarranted militant feminist attack on my OP. It was totally absurd! And all I did was point this out to her, and the rest jumped on me.
I started this thread because I thought I might find folk here who had been through the same thing and would share experience. However, what I've found is a bunch of people who need far more help in life than I do. My problems actually seem insignificant now. In fact I'm happy and content despite everything.
Have a nice day!

OP posts:
Original poster
John39 · 29/09/2011 17:11

....I can see why this forum would attract trolls, huge entertainment potential.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 29/09/2011 17:15

I think you'll find that you're the one entertaining us, John.

I defended you to Granny. It's what you've said since then that has caused the issues, and given us (well me, anyway), a huge insight into why your wife may have decided your marriage is over.

Again, you've decided to concentrate on the people 'jumping on you', rather than continuing to listen to the advice offered - and there was plenty of it at the beginning of the thread. You've just chosen to ignore it in favour of feminist bashing. Well, you would if you actually knew what feminism is actually all about.

Seriously, we've seen it all before.

TimeForMeIsFree · 29/09/2011 17:25

When I first read your OP I did wonder why your wife had handed you a letter informing you she was leaving rather than talk to you. Now I can guess why she did it. She wouldn't have stood a chance, you wouldn't have listened to her because you need to be the victim. And how do you know she gave no regard to the children?? She left you, that is giving huge regard to the children.

Tyr · 29/09/2011 17:50

?It was an unwarranted militant feminist attack on my OP.?

?....I can see why this forum would attract trolls, huge entertainment potential.?

John,
I?m still hoping that your OP was genuine and you have over-reacted to one post you didn?t like but those two lines above strike me as a little strange.
If you are genuine, you?ve done a good job of turning a lot of support into suspicion and resentment. If you are genuine, you could probably turn it around again if you dropped the attitude.
So, as one dad to another (assuming again that you?re genuine) is your OP for real or are you another faux- poster conducting some kind of experiment? As I said, there have been a few recently.
If it isn?t real, you and the others (who may or not be from the same stable) should reflect on the suspicion with which a genuine poster with genuine problems seeking help might now be greeted.
Whose interests would be served by that?

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 17:59

excellent posts, tyr

NorksAreMessy · 29/09/2011 18:04

WARNING - DO NOT FEED

MangoMonster · 29/09/2011 18:06

I personally think the OP is genuine but feeling vulnerable and misdirecting anger towards posters.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2011 18:09

if that were the case, MM , then he would respond only to granny and not launch a "feminists are responsible for all the evils in this world" attack on others who were kind and supportive towards him prior to that

MangoMonster · 29/09/2011 18:15

Maybe AF, whatever the case, John you should consider how this kind of anger will impact on you and your children. Anger is a very ugly and destructive thing especially when prolonged.