Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

[John39]

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

it must be a complete pita to try and fix

I don?t think there is any comparison between this thread and the petty nastiness that goes on over there- and it was going on before that sad site started.
By comparison, if someone came on here expecting to get attacked just for being a bloke, he had burning coals heaped on his head because most of the replies were compassionate and reflect well on MN. There have been spurious posters of both genders re. contact/residence issues and it is no shame on anyone to have treated a fake with trust and compassion; better that than the paranoia that seems to prevail elsewhere.
Let?s hope the next genuine person is not affected by this one.

hope so, tyr.

You may not see a comparison, Tyr, but I find it startlingly similar and, sadly, not unanticipated.

oh dear, what a clusterfuck. I think John has responded in the exact same way a lot of men would when confronted with the same accusations.

peas

The ruck only started when Jonh decided to blame Feminism, Germaine Greer and uppity women in general for the demise of his marriage.

I didn't post earlier as I was uneasy about the general tone of his posts...too much blaming of his partner, very little personal responsibility and no engagement with or thanks for other posters. I had him down initially as a bit of an emotional leach...turns out he was a MRA-by-stealth.

Once it got round to "I don't care about the kids" and an in-depth critique of his wife's cleaning routine then his cover was blown and he deserved what he got IMO.

I don't agree, peas. I think the OP received a great deal of sympathy, support and advice. A suspicious person might suggest that the whole thing was a construct and that the upping of the ante was deliberate. Sadly, when a poster refers to entertainment value, that refers to everybody else on the thread, including the well meaning and supportive. In those situations, it's a sport and everybody else game. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

I should have added I started reading this thread when it was started and came back wondering how the op was doing when I returned to the bunfight. I have read the complete thread now and even though I don't agree with his feminism comments still feel bad for the bloke and think he just went on "one" due to his personal circumstances. Haven't we all done, said, typed something when angry or upset. Hope op is having a better day today. Agree a lot of posters gave good advice. Good luck to the op.

Back again for an update.
Well, it turns out that while I was trusting her and staying at home with our three kids so she could party with her girl friends, she was screwing in the back of some young guy's car. She had been carrying on with this chap for weeks before she left me. Our whole community knew about it, except me. Mutual friends have come forward and told me of the compromised and awkward position they were put in. Apparently my wife was almost bragging about it to people she hardly knew but considered "friends".
Let me tell you how I found out. It was about two weeks after my OP.
She had left me and gone down the road to her mum's. I take the kids swimming every Saturday morning and drive past her mum's house. I was short one child seat so I stopped to borrow one from her car. The front door was open and I said hello but no response. So I walked through the house and knocked on my wife's bedroom door. There was music playing and a long delay before she opened the door. She stuck her head round and snapped at me for "barging in". I politely asked for the child seat and left, still unaware of what was happening. On my way down the drive I noticed another car but thought little of it. It was in the pool that it dawned on me! Later that day I asked her mum and she told me what was going on.
The next three weeks were pure hell. She had the new guy staying nearly all the time. I was driving past his car every day, even when the kids where staying there, it was awful. I hit bottom. I didn't think it was possible to feel so bad and still be alive.
The new guy is 29 and lives at home with his wealthy parents in their massive barn conversion. He's a notorious pot head, has no kids of his own and is considered a bit of a joke by most who know him.
The pair of them really seemed to enjoy rubbing my face in it.
However, now reality is kicking in. My wife has no money now. I was giving her £280 every week from out tax credits but she stopped the claim without any thought and is now on £100 p/w. Her car needed repair and she demanded money from me to fix it, I've had to call the police on her abusive mother....the list goes on and on...
Anyway, I'm now with a wonderful woman who has raised to children single handed to adulthood. She is a credit to womankind. We're off on a weekend break now!
As for the ex, well, she's full of remorse and regret, judging by her texts. I won't talk to her, look at her and have asked her not to approach me without prior arrangement. I will only communicate via text or email, and only discuss the kids and the divorce.
I'm happy again and really enjoying life!
I didn't think I climb out of the hole I was in. I got out there and partied hard for a few weeks and it all came good.
To anyone else who gets shat on from a great height by a partner, it gets better with time. Hold your head high and know you're the better person.
Good luck guys and thanks for listening xxx

I am so glad things have come right for you and you have come out the otherside of this.

It gives me hop in my current hopeless situation.

I wish you continued happiness for the future.

Oh dear, what a dreadful mess.

You say you don't want counselling John; though you have a history of depression and your father was violent and now your wife has suddenly left you. I think you need counselling. You were understandably very angry at the sudden end to your marriage and imo you need to express that in a safe place, with someone who is skilled at supporting you, whilst unjudgementally (no agenda) holding you accountable at appropriate stages. You would be able to eg discuss your feelings about feminism in a safe place, with someone who will hear what you've got to say, how you feel about it, what you believe, and discuss it with you. Counselling would give you a safe and supportive place to explore your feelings about the end of your marriage, give you space to fully express your anger, your feelings and thoughts about your wife, and also your feelings about your family history. I would suggest you engage with counselling for long enough to give yourself the chance to thoroughly turn over these stones before you go on in life with yet another unexplored burden on your back. Imo the chances of you taking this fresh anger with you are high. Medication may help to dampen down those feelings of anger but it would be far better to open the closet and have a good look at what's inside in a safe and supportive environment ie safely explore the source/s of the depression you have experienced your entire life, and support you to resolve the conflict you feel deep inside.

It is understandable that you are angry. imo men generally direct anger outward (women generally inward) - for that reason I am concerned that your anger could be damaging to those around you (as well as yourself) and further isolate you, which would increase your anger. If you can't do it for yourself then, please, do it for your children. There are many male counsellors around if you would prefer that.

Don't think I am suggesting you are mad (or in the wrong) by recommending counselling. I have had a lot of counselling to resolve issues similar the above and have found it invaluable - and I'm not mad. fwiw my exH could have written what you have written about eg the mess (handbags, clutter) but tbh there was another side to that story and if he had found a safe place to explore his feelings about me he would have saved our children a truckload of pain and heartache. As the shit is hitting the fan big time with your family, your children will be the primary victims of that: find a way to stabilise at least one parent - yourself - while all around you is going nuts. A new relationship won't stabilise you, an hour a week with someone qualified to support and anchor you will.

Seems to me she has evolved and found out fnally who she is and what she wants! I think, in women, that comes with age....Perhaps she feels restricted in marriage and needs to find independance outside of it?

Seems to me that she has evolved with age, become independant from you and is "finding herself". I think you need to let her do this. Perhaps she felt stifled in the marriage and always seemed to be seeking something from you that she couldn`t find?

Trying to beat her at her own selfish game - partying like mad and throwing yourself into a new relationship - is really, really, not going to help you. It's been two months, you cannot possibly say you are over it. All you've managed to do is bottle up the hurt and anger. That's not beating it, that's where it will do you the most damage.

You NEED counselling. You NEED to put your kids first, not some new relationship.

She has outgrown you that happens when you meet someone so young and stay with them and never having had a relationship with someome else.

She is a different person now to the one you met all those years ago.

Anyway, I'm now with a wonderful woman who has raised to children single handed to adulthood. She is a credit to womankind

and you, john, are a credit to mankind

and so ends the fairy story

Fabby that's garbage.
Much like Op's story, I'll wager. Going from destroyed to living the high life, all in 8 weeks or so, yeah riiiight.

You sound like you have always tried to accommodate her whims. You should be commended for your patience with this woman, especially since you chose her above your friends, no mean sacrifice.
Quite possibly you have been married to an extremely selfish woman, which has finally raised its ugly head in the worst possible way.
The fact that she won't discuss anything with you, and that it came from out of the blue, shows that she has very little concern for anybody but herself.
I feel very sorry that this has happened to you.

Oops, sorry, I posted before realising the story went back to Sept.

Why are some of the recent comments so mean?

Congratulations on finding somebody new and I am sure your kids are still your priority, even though you have a social life and have found love again.

I hope your ex regrets what she did for a long, long time.
Silly woman.

Have you read the whole thread Barreal?

Course that's whats happened John
'pats Johns head soothingly'
You're well shot of the nasty woman diddums.