Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

262 replies

John39 · 26/09/2011 15:46

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 28/09/2011 21:31

How do you see feminism, John? I'm not being snide - it just gives a bit more insight into your relationship, iyswim?

John39 · 28/09/2011 21:31

@AyeBelieveInTheHumanityOfMen

I didn't have any preconceived ideas. I don't know if she did. I certainly don't adhere to any cultural stereotyping.

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 21:35

I find it difficult now, because while from your own account your marriage sounded very tough on you, it is hard to sympathize with a man who automatically assumes a woman he doesn't know is much more ignorant than he is. It's a bit rude and dismissive. That could be because you're feeling rotten right now and a bit anti-women as a result of your hurt, but I would urge you to try not to let it make you bitter against those of us who've posted in support - I was offended by your comment, to be frank.

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/09/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

John39 · 28/09/2011 21:36

@AbbyAbsinthe,

Can I ask how you see it first. It will give me a place to start.

OP posts:
Tianc · 28/09/2011 21:41

Um, a support thread slagging off feminism on a largely female website is likely to get seriously derailed.

Up to you, of course, John, but you might find it better to start a separate thread for the big idealogical discussions ? when you're not in the throes of this immediate situation and understandably angry and upset.

Totally up to you, but this thread is going to implode otherwise, and you (and your children) might miss out on useful support.

John39 · 28/09/2011 21:42

@LRDTheFeministDragon,

That's some extrapolation there! Why were you offended? Because I questioned your faith?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 28/09/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeBelieveInTheHumanityOfMen · 28/09/2011 21:43

Derailed?

Miss! Miss! He started it!

John39 · 28/09/2011 21:44

@Tianc,

I'm not really bothered.

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 21:45

John, I wasn't extrapolating. And you didn't question my faith (which is also pretty secure). I said it was rude for you to say we needed to 'research' and learn about feminism. Making that assumption, that we are ignorant and you are more knowledgeable, is rude. Especially since you don't know us.

ElderberrySyrup · 28/09/2011 21:51

'I urge you to do some research and find out for yourselves exactly who was behind the 60s feminism movement and their motivation - it wasn't the empowerment of women.'

Do tell, I'm dying to know.
You'll have to say where to do the research though, because I have only ever seen that kind of stuff on loony MRA sites who quote characters from novels and use them as proof the author hated men.

SinicalSal · 28/09/2011 21:54

ffs

smugaboo · 28/09/2011 21:55

John39,
Seriously? You are 'not really bothered' if 'this thread implodes and you and your children miss out on important support'? (Tianic's comment). Is that what you meant?

If so, may I suggest the kind and thoughtful people who are posting here consider this before putting their energies into this any further.

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/09/2011 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madwomanintheattic · 28/09/2011 21:58

oh, you see, this is what happens when you try and claim that MRA trolls only post on the fem board.

no good will come of it, mark my words.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 22:00

Deary me, john...please don't make me regret posting in support of you Sad

John39 · 28/09/2011 22:13

@LRDTheFeministDragon,

This started with me saying that feminism and equality were not the same thing, which they are not. If that makes me an evil misogynist, good luck with your lives.

OP posts:
John39 · 28/09/2011 22:14

@StewieGriffinsMom,

do angry and controlling women not exist in your bespoke reality?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 22:15

john, you are doing yourself no favours here

AbbyAbsinthe · 28/09/2011 22:19

Oh. Dear.

And that is all I have to say about that.

mynewpassion · 28/09/2011 22:19

John,

It doesn't matter whose definition of feminism is right because it isn't the root cause of your marriage or even a symptom of your marriage breaking down. And, blaming it won't fix your marriage either.

Your problem is that you allowed to give your wife more say in the marriage and became a doormat. Its not because of feminism, maybe you cared too much and forgot about your own wants and needs. You did this and she continued taking and taking and taking until she didn't want it anymore.

That's why I said that you need to find your backbone, your identity, and your manhood. Dust yourself up from the floor and start making a new future for yourself and your kids.

Don't start teaching your son and daughters bad habits either. You want them to have an open mind not a close one.

mynewpassion · 28/09/2011 22:22

So rage is settling in, huh? We are not your wife so reign it in. Getting angry at other poster's who have been supportive is just not on either.

Like any advice -- take what you want and throw out the other ones. You are the ultimate decider but don't blame or get angry at the messengers.

I am out too.

John39 · 28/09/2011 22:27

@mynewpassion,

Angry? Who's angry here? Not me. I mentioned feminism in response to what granny had to say.

OP posts:
RedRubyBlue · 28/09/2011 22:33

John

I understand your anger. When DH left I cleared the cupboards of all of his 'things' and handed them over to him.

I have posted before about keeping a clear mind and thinking clearly. There are three small children wondering what the hell is happening and they are not to blame for the fall out between you and your wife.

Do not make them the 'kid on the stairs' being asked to 'choose' between parents.

I was that kid and I am now in my forties and it is still very fresh in my memory.

The things you say and do now will impact on your DCs for YEARS.