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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

262 replies

John39 · 26/09/2011 15:46

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 26/09/2011 21:01

Sorry to hear your story. Don't think there's much you can do if she won't talk to you apart from accept her explanation and try to move on. Legal advice might be useful. Maybe one day she will explain herself but I think you have to see that you will probably be better off without her so you can live your life and not hers (as you seem to have done).

Relationships that start young can be difficult as people do change so much. I'm not excusing her behaviour, she should have shared her concerns with you earlier, as I'm sure she's had them for a while.

Think of yourself and your children from now on and don't let another person dictate to such a great extent how you live your life.

John39 · 26/09/2011 21:07

Wow! Thanks for all the support it's really made a difference to how I'm feeling.
When I met her she was 18 and already living with her boyfriend of the time. She's never really been single, but we did have ten years without kids.

I asked her if there was someone else involved, apparently not. However, she cheated on me before. It was a one night stand. It took her months to tell me. She actually told me in Oz. She was incredibly guilt ridden and even had an STD test.
She's been to the Dr about depression last year and he gave her AD which she didn't take. I myself have battled depression in silence all my life and no one knew, not even her, until the pressure of my job (just before I left) forced me to the Dr three years ago and I've been on Citalopram ever since. This she uses against me - "you're on pills it's alright for you", she says. There's a history of depression in my family, both my parents are a mess mentally.
We make an effort to go out for a meal once a week, every week, so we get time together. It's just I'm always so busy. Not only am I rebuilding and extending our place but her mother's house needs loads of work doing and because she's in her 60s and alone I end up looking after her too.
My wife also said that she can't give the children what they need emotionally and I do find the way she deals with them lacking in something.
To be honest I don't think I want her back now.

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 26/09/2011 21:12

John your post resonated with me. My h left 3 weeks ago.

Whilst our situations are not identical I too have bent over backward to do what he wanted only to find that he didn't want me.

The truth is our house is much calmer without him and me and DD are getting along fine on our own. The cat hasn't missed him yet!

Although this is a huge change in your life you will look back one day and be gratefull you had the chance to move on without her.
There is something better lurking around the corner, you had to be free to see it though.

John39 · 26/09/2011 21:13

One thing I will say, I'm pretty emotionally robust. I go through life always prepared for the worst. Maybe it's defense mechanism, I've been through quite a lot in my life.

OP posts:
RedRubyBlue · 26/09/2011 21:16

John

I have read through your thread and your last comment was;

'To be honest I don't think I want her back now'.

Are you sure?

That is a massive decision to make in the hours since your last posting.

Ok? Your wife may have made a decision and you have made yours.

Have you discussed this as a couple?

AbsOfSteel · 26/09/2011 21:17
Wink

I don't particularly think that, just giving him some support.

In the same vein you guys are all like OMG WHAT A DICKHEAD! MEN!!!!!

When an unfortunate lady has something similar happen.

I'm just unfortunately in the position of being outnumbered 50:1

So ummmm, yeah. backs out of thread

:o

passionsrunhigh · 26/09/2011 21:19

extremely ungrateful after all you've done for her (followed all her whims) - the least she could do is say sorry properly and explain things, and discuss situation with children, isn't she sorry for the three kids who want their father? Yes people change but then she is irrational - having three kids with you and leaving sharpish. Which does sound like she might have a crush on someone, which could go nowhere of course. If that's the case you could as well give her time -I think she needs a good knock-back from another man to appreciate you at last! it does happen with spoiled spouses that they take a good thing for granted, and then regret losing it. Not a guarantee though.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 21:25

Abs, perhaps if you read this thread with an open mind, you will see that MN's default position is not always "woman saint: man bastard"

see up there ^^

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 21:25

^^^

RedRubyBlue · 26/09/2011 21:26

abs

Please stay on the thread.

AbsOfSteel · 26/09/2011 21:29

Thanks for the patronising tone, wouldn't have worked out what you were getting at otherwise.

I have read and continue to view all threads with an open mind but unfortunately I think that stance is a prevailing majority.

I feel bad for John, yet had the situation been reversed then you lot would be hammering into him about how men are such twats etc, and to say otherwise is deluding yourself.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 21:29

yeah, Abs, perhaps you could be of some help to this bloke instead of "ha ! what if this were the other way around..."

bit of a cheap shot, tbh

and you have been proved wrong, so ner

AbsOfSteel · 26/09/2011 21:30

Sorry just seen that, fair does, delete my last post if needed.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 21:31

no need to delete anything

this is john's thread, not yours nor ours Smile

passionsrunhigh · 26/09/2011 21:32

Having read yout last post - well, it's even better if you can face letting her go, in this case. It's either that, or more patience.
And as to children, no surprise then the way she behaved, if she's not emotionally giving even to them, AND leaving you to look after her mother! as far as you stay in contact with kids ( i.e. she doesn't relocate), it's for the best. I think the fact your parents were problematic led you to chose such a controlling partner - it's the desire to please someone after you couldn't do that with parents :(
She has drained you, and you deserve someone good now!

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 21:32

that's not a snidey Smile btw, it's a genuine small smile, not a Grin

John39 · 26/09/2011 21:33

@RedRubyBlue,

I've had enough of putting everyone else first and being some kind of rock or human utility. I'm one of these blokes that can fix anything, cars, houses, electrics, plumbing. We've never hired a tradesman. In fact, since "the letter" I've fitted a new bathroom, that I'd planned to for months, and she was surprised I got on and did it instead of falling apart emotionally. I've always provided for her and worked bloody hard

OP posts:
AbsOfSteel · 26/09/2011 21:34

I know, iknow Wink

Chrononaut · 26/09/2011 21:38

what happens with the DC's?

AbbyAbsinthe · 26/09/2011 21:39

Are you Abs from the popular beat combo 5ive? Grin

OP, you're bound to feel really confused atm. What a horrible shock for you Sad Keep posting matey, we can try to help.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 26/09/2011 21:39

John,
I'm really sorry to hear your story. From what you've written it sounds like you have been prepared to do anything for your wife and have probably gone too far in submitting to her every request. It sounds like she has dictated your life an awful lot and that nothing you do would make her happy. If you think the same thing, then I think you're right to decide that you don't want her back.

I think the best thing you can do is prepare for the future and let her decide what she wants from her future - she sounds like she's all over the place. I think you'll soon realise how much you've given with little in return. There are an awful lot of women out there that will appreciate you and what you have to give.

Time to start taking control of your life. Good luck :)

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 21:40

John, you need to take some time for yourself, to figure out what you want

Stop doing and take a step back for a wee while

Even if she is clear you and her are over, you need a plan for your future and how you will make it work with your dc's

btw, I say this on all these kinds of threads

I will show my arse on the Town Hall Steps if there isn't a significant other here Sad

John39 · 26/09/2011 21:46

@Chrononaut,

I'm thinking about shutting the business and going abroad for a few months, see how she copes. I'm sure the kids will drive her insane without me. However, my oldest daughter is 6 next month and she phoned me tonight and said she wanted to come over after school tomorrow. My 4yo son is with me a refuses to stay at his nans with mum, mum is well peed of about this. She collected him from school and he came straight round here. I wouldn't be surprised if my daughter comes here to stay. That's another thing, she does this during the little chap's first few weeks at school!

OP posts:
AbsOfSteel · 26/09/2011 21:46

Lol, no Abby I actually have a penis Grin

John, what she has done is completely spineless and selfish.

I think you're entirely right to draw a line under her. Communicate with her On the welfare of your child and that only, get yourself out with your mates and keep yourself busy.

John39 · 26/09/2011 21:50

Yes, keeping busy does help, Abs, thanks.

OP posts: