Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

[John39]

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

John

When you "caught" your wife with the other man, she had left you. So if she and he were playing bonkers in the bedroom and swinging from the chandeliers really it is none of your business.

You seem to have jumped very rapidly into a full-on relationship with your new lady friend - 8 weeks is a remarkably quick turn around, and if you look on the boards here you will see that the general advice to both women and men is to take your time and not rush into a new relationship. I do hope you have not introduced your new woman to your children yet.

Just one small point, I am confused. If you were short a child seat, and given that you drive past the ex's mother's house on the way to swimming, does this mean you left the house with more children than you had car seats? As, depending on the age of the children, this could be illegal and is definitely unsafe.

I also hope your children were not witness to your partying as that too would be very unsettling for such young children whose settled lives were thrown into confusion with the departure of their mother.

Don't waste your time anna,

Men who call their wives neurotic - big red flag.

Off to read the rest of the thread now.

Goodness ! It sounds like it's all ended up happily after all. Hurrah!

"My wife has no money now. I was giving her £280 every week from out tax credits"

You sound really controlling - why were you giving your wife family money, it wasn't yours to give. She sounds well rid and I hope she's getting the support she needs.

Are you children with you even though your wife was the primary carer?

@thunderboltsandlightning

What do you mean "it wasn't yours to give"? I've got the kids the majority of the week, it was my claim and I run a business.

@annaklingon

"When you "caught" your wife with the other man, she had left you. So if she and he were playing bonkers in the bedroom and swinging from the chandeliers really it is none of your business."

She was fucking him when I was at home with the kids before she left me!
I'm really controlling am I? So controlling that I trusted her, let her go out partying all night when ever she liked, changed jobs/careers to accommodate her every whim.
To give you some idea of how cruel she is, she even waited until I'd got her car through the MOT before she left. I was waiting for parts to arrive so it was off the road. She put mutual friends in an awkward and compromising situation while she made no effort to hide her affair in public. She even bragged about it in public. We live in a rural community and the general consensus is shock at her plain cruelty. When I've collected the kids from her mum's she's had the new bloke smirk at me and deliberately created inflammatory situations.
But no, it's me who's evil by default because I'm a man! What a nasty. spiteful bunch you are. Good luck with you lives. xxx

Hi John, I am very sorry about your situation and I wish you well. You seem like a good father to your children - I hope that they are not too affected by the separation. I don't have any advice just sympathy. have a good night.

Why do you have the children the majority of the week?

John

Obviously you and your wife had a really unhappy marriage.

There may be a million reasons for this and I tend to the maxim that there are 3 sides to every story - your side, her side and the truth.

I have not said anything to you that I would not say to a woman in the same situation. I have not been nasty or spiteful. I have been measured and calm in my response to you.

I stand by what I said WRT your new lady friend - 8 weeks from separation is a very very short period of time and you may find that this relationship does not last or go the distance, simply because you are not emotionally a place to enable it to. This new woman, who you seem to have put on a pedestal will have feet of clay you know, she will have faults just like the rest of us.

And WRT to you moving and changing careers, I will refer to one thing you said in your OP which made me exceedingly uneasy -

"I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it."

You have no right to decide for an adult what they need. To use words my 9 year old would use, you are not the boss of her. There should have been a discussion and a joint decision should have been made, not you "deciding".

I hope you will take the points that have been made on here on board and use the advice in your new relationship.

Oh leave him alone! He's posted for support, not judgement.Jeez, if a woman posted with a similar story she would be swamped with support,advice and 'unmumsnetty hugs' !

If even a sliver of this is true I feel so sorry for three little kids with a pair of selfish wankers for parents.

I hope you had a lovely time on the weekend break John. That comes first right? I'm sure your infant kids understood perfectly why Mummy doesn't want to live with them any more and Daddy is more interested in spending two months pissed and shagging some new woman two weeks before Christmas. You're Father of the Year.