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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

262 replies

John39 · 26/09/2011 15:46

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

OP posts:
John39 · 28/09/2011 22:36

This is what I said - "I know, and I'm not blaming equality, I'm blaming inequality. To me "feminism" is in too close to all the other unpleasant "isms" like racism, fascism and fundamentalism. It's just another form of arbitrary segregation."

And this is the response, some of it, most was deleted by the moderators because it was too offensive.

*So feminism is like fascism - now I've heard it all.

I wish your wife - who bore you three children - best wishes and great joy in her new life. May her new partner - if she chooses one - be less 'old and bitter' over cupboard space.

And good luck with tidying the sweet wrappers when your children are with you. Somehow, I doubt your wife guzzled them all while the poor children looked on waifelike!

And all this talk of what an amzing husband you are; how good you are at DIY and how you'd never cheat....I don't like it. It's like you're here to have your ego massaged and to flirt.*

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 28/09/2011 22:40

Oh you have a dossier Hmm

Sorry matey, I don't think I have anything to offer, advice-wise. It strikes me that you're determined to make this a platform for.... something. Not keen, tbh.

John39 · 28/09/2011 22:44

@AbbyAbsinthe,

Heresy! Burn him sisters!

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 22:49

John, you do know feminism is not a 'religion' and cannot determine 'heresy' ... even as a silly joke.

I get that you posted wanting sympathy. You may even feel you deserved it. But now it just sounds, unfortunately, as if you're a man who gets nasty when people point out he might not be right all the time. Believe me, this is not a great quality and if I were you, I'd work hard to stop doing it.

cloudsandwind · 28/09/2011 22:50

I have concerns about a man coming here and talking about his wife in such derogatory terms and still getting a great deal of support.

There are lots of red flags in the OP, but they aren't pointing to his wife being awful, which is the picture he's trying to create.

Women with three very small children do not generally up and leave their husbands unless they have very good reasons.

As for a woman getting the same treatment if she'd posted here, I think if a woman complained that her husband had never "deep-cleaned" the house, she'd have been laughed off Mumsnet.

ScarlettIsWalking · 28/09/2011 22:51

Oh dear

John39 · 28/09/2011 22:51

OK, would you like to point out where I got "nasty".

Also, do you actually know the legal definition of a religion?

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 28/09/2011 22:52

It's women, John. Women. I don't really do the sisterhood. I just try & have a general respect of people. Equality, see?

smugaboo · 28/09/2011 22:53

and so the true measure of the man is revealed.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 22:53

clouds, with respect, the woman-hating shit was not clear in john's first post

it was subsequent ones where the drip-drip started

now it's a fucking torrent and I am not the only one regretting trying to give this bloke some words of support and understanding

Dozer · 28/09/2011 22:56

Agree with AF.

ElderberrySyrup · 28/09/2011 22:56

'neurotic'
'venomously jealous'

From the first post it has sounded like John doesn't have much respect for his wife as a person.
Obviously he's angry at the moment, but this sounds like interpretations of her behaviour which go back years.

John39 · 28/09/2011 22:57

@cloudsandwind,

She's left two of the kids with me.

Where's the equality. When the drains block, why doesn't she get the rods out, why am I automatically expected to do it, or fix the car, mend the roof?
Talk about equality, it seem some people want to cherry-pick equality.

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 22:58

clouds - yes, I agree.

I don't know about anyone else, but I initially posted in support (despite, I admit, a few reservations), because I was thinking a badly-hurt person might easily come across oddly. But it feels as if this poster has had a lot of support and kindness that may have been wasted.

jiohn - feminism isn't a religion. It is an ideology.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

RedRubyBlue · 28/09/2011 23:00

I bow out now this is sounding all too familiar to a couple of threads that I watched and didn't post on and got deleted by MN.

John39 · 28/09/2011 23:01

@AnyFucker,

yeah a real torrent of hatred. Come on, are you for real?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 23:02

same here, lrd

I won't make the same mistake again

sometimes you try with someone, sometimes your efforts are rewarded

sometimes they are not... QED

I don't actually appreciate people coming in now and saying "Oh I saw this bloke was a wrong 'un from his very first post"

cloudsandwind · 28/09/2011 23:02

I thought you said the two children chose to be with you John.

You said your little boy made a "choice" and you oldest daughter might follow him too.

What actually happened?

John39 · 28/09/2011 23:03

@anyfuck,

and now it descends into name calling, "twat" how charming.

I'm off. Good luck with your lives, you'll need it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 23:03

I said to myself when he addressed me personally to wind me up, I would be gone

Ta-ra Grin

Uppity · 28/09/2011 23:04
Biscuit
LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/09/2011 23:07

See you round AF.

I'm off to watch House and do patchwork. Have a nice night all.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 23:10

I am watching the lovely Emma Willis on Big Brothers Big Mouth thingy

It is making more sense to me, atm

AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 23:10

sorry, Big Brother's Bit On The Side