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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

262 replies

John39 · 26/09/2011 15:46

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

OP posts:
Tianc · 26/09/2011 15:52

So sorry to read this. I don't have any advice, just lots of sympathy.

RedRubyBlue · 26/09/2011 15:52

You were both very young when you got together. That may have quite a big bearing on things.

I was a very, very different person at 18 to the one I was at 25 and different again at 35.

Did she feel trapped by motherhood and responsiblilty and feels as if she didn't give herself time to enjoy her teenage/young adult years?

JeanBodel · 26/09/2011 15:53

Ok, well I'm really really sorry for such a sad situation.

You have given a lot of detail about the facts of your life together. Could you give some detail about your life together as a husband and wife?

Do you ever spend time together? Do you both enjoy spending time together? Do you have enough things in common?

SkinnedAlive · 26/09/2011 15:54

So sorry to hear what happened :( I couldn't read and not reply. I think this is a good place to get things off your chest and it has helped me that's for sure. There are some very kind people here with good advice.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 15:55

I am very sorry

I think you got together very young indeed. Some people seem able to grow up together when that happens, and stay in long and happy marriages.

Other couples grow up and apart. Do you think that is what happened here ?

Chrononaut · 26/09/2011 15:56

You have my sympathies :( No one deserves to go through this.

has she spoken to you since? is there no room for talks?

IggyPup · 26/09/2011 16:05

Has everything always been on her terms?

Has she met someone else?

She sounds very high maintenance, this could be door closing/door opening thing for you.

Maybe a separation could be good and allow you both to sort out how you both feel.

A letter, huh?

DontTellAnyonebut · 26/09/2011 16:14

This might be the worse of times but you may well meet someone who will be much nicer to you. The real bugger not living together with the children but if they are close, you might well be able to continue pretty much as you are. Could you share them children jointly?

You have been very understanding to your wife and her needs, it seems to be time that you are understanding to your own. Get out there and get involved -make some friends. It will make you feel much stronger.

brookeslay · 26/09/2011 16:18

I`m sorry this has happened especially with a young family. You seem to have bent over backwards to help. Did she suffer from Post natal depression is she still on tablets or have anything else happen lately that would cause her to leave ?

Can you write a letter to her at her mothers suggesting time out or counselling. It is such a shock for you, you need to look after yourself aswell as you have your business and well being to consider to.

I take the youngest two are with your wife ? I`m glad your eldest is there with you though sad that he is apart from his siblings.

Do you have a friend that you could talk to or brother or sister ?

If not vent here as at least it gets it out of your system.

Dozer · 26/09/2011 17:01

Sorry you're sad and on your own. Perhaps try to open up to someone (not another woman ideally!) in RL who seems nice? If no close friends, sometimes can be helpful to turn to someone who's at least friendly and could become a friend.

And of course use MN, it can be nice and supportive (mostly!)

Perhaps focus on establishing if she's definitely made up her mind, and, if she has, on sorting out access to the kids and the practical and financial stuff. D'you think she'll be reasonable about all that?

The kids might need some support too, especially the eldest - seems quite a big decision for DS at such a young age to choose his Daddy over his mum and siblings, may be something that affects him and his siblings a lot in the future and needs thinking through. Sometimes the eldest can become "super-responsible" and want to care for the "wronged party" as they see it, rather than put their own needs first. Shared custody of all the kids might be better?

Dozer · 26/09/2011 17:02

Sorry to kick you when you're down, but given your wife's history, age, behaviour etc, wouldn't be surprised if there's another man involved. Or if she suddenly decides she wants to move away with the DC.

Legal advice?

holyShmoley · 26/09/2011 17:17

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gillyglops · 26/09/2011 17:18

Wanted to offer sympathy too, what a horrible situation for you. Has your wife not talked to you at all since leaving? It's very unfair to not even sit down with you and talk things over.

GossipWitch · 26/09/2011 17:24

Oh john you have my sympathies.

Callisto · 26/09/2011 18:20

Poor you. TBH she sounds a high maintenance nightmare. When the dust has settled you'll probably find that you are much happier without her.

I'm not sure what to say really, but make jolly sure you know your rights - spoilt brats are rarely rational or fair when it comes to other peoples feelings, even if those people are their own children.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 26/09/2011 18:46

My sympathies. And I'm sorry there's no-one in RL you can talk to.

What occurs to me is that she is having an affair or thinking about having one. It sounds to me that she is, after years of feeling bad about herself - in ways which you tried to help but couldn't, because actually it was about her finding her own way - she is now feeling better, and is celebrating that by having an affair. Either that, or someone else is making her feel better. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

CailinDana · 26/09/2011 18:52

Very sad :( Sorry things have been so hard for you. It sounds like she was quite manipulative and controlling and you really tried hard to make her happy. Did you want all those changes, house moves and job moves? Maybe now is the time to think a bit about what you want. You might be surprised, if you act as though you're getting on with your life you might find your wife suddenly wants you back. Don't be fooled by this - she seems to want to keep you on a short leash. Only take her back if you really really want to and try to assert yourself more if you can.

I hope you have someone in real life to talk to, it must be a very hard time for you. Good luck.

StickyGhost · 26/09/2011 18:54

It sounds like she doesn't need you anymore; she has friends and a social life and u were only useful to her when she didn't have any of these things and was unhappy. I'm sorry this sounds so harsh, and I hope maybe it's not the case.

I think she has treated you like a doormat tbh.

FiaGrace · 26/09/2011 19:02

Oh bless you, I'm so so sorry. I'm glad you have your eldest child with you although that doesn't help you not to dreadfully miss the other children. I'm no good at advice but I too hope you find a friend to confide in, you need RL support.

AbsOfSteel · 26/09/2011 20:07

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

AbbyAbsinthe · 26/09/2011 20:46

AbsOfSteel - a woman thing to do? Really?

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 20:47

I think Abs is pulling our pisser Wink

Makiko · 26/09/2011 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Makiko · 26/09/2011 20:52

This reply has been deleted

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pamplemousse · 26/09/2011 21:00

You have my deepest sympathies, my husband did pretty much the same thing to me 7 months ago. Although he then moved in with his new gf Hmm
You need to have a good long think about what YOU want, it sounds as though your OH has been calling all the shots and you may have got lost in the whole thing. Who are you? What do you want in life? Her? Or not?
Can you talk to her? If she is unwilling to talk you really really need to sort this out asap, for the good of your kids. I fucking despise my ex for what he has done to our family, but I talk to him civilly (???!!! interesting spelling there...) because we have to be on the same side with regards our dd. Her behaviour is hugely influenced (obviously) by our attitude to one another. She is 4 btw.
Sorry if that sounds a bit lecture-y, its not meant to be. Just things I found helped :)
And come back on here lots, people have endless ideas and support and when you have few friends it reeeally makes you feel better :)

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