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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

262 replies

John39 · 26/09/2011 15:46

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 26/09/2011 21:52

Abs is right, what she's done is spineless. She owes you a proper explanation.

Chrononaut · 26/09/2011 21:52

"I'm thinking about shutting the business and going abroad for a few months"

do you think that's fair on your DC's though? :(

RedRubyBlue · 26/09/2011 21:53

John

Please don't do that. Using the children is a last resort.

Please don't do that.

Please.

I was the child sat on the stairs asking to choose between Mummy and Daddy.

Please do not go abroad. Speak to your wife and do not make knee jerk reaction that your children are involved in.

John39 · 26/09/2011 21:55

@Chrononaut,

probably not, but what their mother has done isn't fair either, nor is life. My father was violent, it's not like they're being subjected to that.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 26/09/2011 21:57

Sorry John, I have to pull you on that one - none of this is the kids fault - I appreciate that you're upset, but you can't just walk away from your kids like that. How do you think that would make them feel?

RedRubyBlue · 26/09/2011 21:57

john

Also, do NOT touch alcohol in any shape or form for the next few weeks. It heightens and lowers emotions.

You will need a clear head.

John39 · 26/09/2011 21:59

@RedRubyBlue,

good call, and I've been staying well away from the booze.

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 26/09/2011 21:59

Even so, at this time when their parents are divorcing, its when they will need their father the most!

will they live with you or their mum?

SparklePrincess · 26/09/2011 22:12

Would your wife be prepared to go to relationship counselling John?

Sassybeast · 26/09/2011 22:13

Wooohaaa - ' I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it.'

How much say did she have in this decison to move to the other side of the world?

jasper · 26/09/2011 22:21

john , she sounds like a complete pain in the arse. Perhaps this will turn out to be a very good thing?
You sound like a good guy.
Good luck

John39 · 26/09/2011 23:02

I don't think she wants counseling, no. And to be honest nor do I. I just want out now. I don't feel anything anymore, like I've had it all drained from me and now there's nothing anyone can do to hurt me. Coming here and venting all this is a pretty amazing experience to me. I don't have any family to talk to about things like this, they're all messed up too. And if she's seeing someone else, well that just shows her real character as there is no way I'd ever cheat on a partner, and I really couldn't care less. In fact I can see clearly now and I'm so much happier she's not here.

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 26/09/2011 23:15

Oh, god, I don't know what to say. You must be feeling awful.

It is clear from your OP that things have not been right with her for a long time. It sounds as if you felt you had to be the strong one who fixed things - but you can't fix another human being. And you should never feel you have to.

What I would say is, keep talking all you want, but don't be hasty with what you do. It's going to take time before things get clear to you, I think?

I think - and of course I am not excusing cheating or that very nasty comment about your pills - that she and you were very young, and she has never really worked out what kind of adult she wants to be. It sounds as if the emotional unheaval of that and of having children so close together has really pushed her to the edge - and you're getting the fallout. Sad

AnyFucker · 26/09/2011 23:15

john....don't just do a disappearing act on your kids, will you ?

they need to know they are not losing you

meltedchocolate · 26/09/2011 23:27

Please please stay for your son he obviously wants/needs you. I am so sorry she has done this to you but be the bigger person and do everything you can for your kids. I am sure they really need you right now!!

ScarlettIsWalking · 26/09/2011 23:42

She sounds like a very difficult And disturbed character. Please be supportive and loving to your children as I'm sure you will.

Poor you. What a dreadful thing to do to someone.

notlettingthefearshow · 26/09/2011 23:45

It sounds like you have been an amazing husband and worked very hard to try to make your wife happy. You can leave the marriage with your head held high, and remember that when you meet someone new, you have so much to offer them. You are the stability in your kids' lives, and even if they are difficult at the moment (as of course they will struggle with the situation), it is worth it in the long run. You must be there for them even if you would rather disappear to get your head together on your own.

Stay strong and try very hard not to become bitter. Only you and her can know 'what happened' in your marriage, so it is important to have an honest conversation with her to hear her side. It may not be what you want to here and will very probably be painful, but opinions and ideas coming from elsewhere are nothing but speculation.

mynewpassion · 27/09/2011 03:51

John:

Go and see and lawyer immediately. Start protecting your assets. Make sure that she doesn't take out indecent amounts of money out of the bank accounts and close out credit cards.

You don't want her to run up bills on them and add to your debts. Remember in divorce debts and assets are split up equally.

Give yourself a bit of time. Don't make any hasty decisions but still protect your assets for the sake of your kids and your future.

Also, you have to think about your kids. I echo others here by saying don't leave yet. They need you more than ever.

You are a strong person with lots of skills. You will land on your feet with or without her. You can move on and make the best for your kids.

John39 · 27/09/2011 09:14

She hasn't got access to the bank accounts, she hasn't got any credit cards and we have no debts. The one thing she's scared of is losing the family home.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2011 09:21

john, does she have her own bank account ?

John39 · 27/09/2011 09:24

yes, she's got her own account

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2011 09:27

ok

AnyFucker · 27/09/2011 09:28

how are you feeling this morning ?

John39 · 27/09/2011 09:33

I'm good. I had a weird dream that her and me were shopping at M&S. We were younger and things were different. Woke up feeling anxious but OK now.

OP posts:
John39 · 27/09/2011 09:34

Got loads of work on today so must stay away from the PC!

OP posts: