Wife has just left me and I'm trying to workout what's happend.

[John39]

My first post here. I just want to talk about what's happened, I haven't spoken to anyone else about this.

I met my wife in '94. I was 22, she was 18. We married in '97 and spent the next 8 years working, traveling and sharing our lives. We had our first child in '05 and now we have three kids, two girls and a boy.

She has always been quite moody and difficult to workout what she's thinking. When we first got together she was venomously jealous of anyone who I came into contact with, especially women! I basically had to say goodbye to all my friends and devote all my attention to her - she now admits this was the case.
In '98 here parents divorced after 30 years and she took it hard. On top of this her sister moved to Oz with her husband and son. She went to the Dr and was prescribed AD. I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it. We went out there in 2001 and stayed with her sister for a few weeks then left QLD for NSW to start my job. She hated it and despite my boss giving her a job too she was determined we left. So we went back to her sister's where I got another job for a few months then came home to the UK. However, while we were there we had fun and she came off the AD and returned to her normal self.

Back in the UK I got another job that was well paid and she started working too. Then she got pregnant and than during her pregnancy she was pretty neurotic, but tried to reassure her and do my best. It all went well and she had a healthy baby girl. So we had two more over the next three years! Just before the third was born I left my job because of the silly long and antisocial hours. I wanted to be there for the kids and her and give her the opportunity to run a small business which she had started on Ebay to earn a bit of extra cash and keep her mind sharp. We shared the work, looking after the kids and housework. We were both much happier. Then about 12 months ago she decided she didn't want to do the business anymore, wanted to look after the kids and wanted me to work instead. I agreed as I always do and started on my own and it's been going really well. We don't have money worries, live out in the country in a lovely spot and have three lovely children. However, since our eldest started school my wife has been more involved with other people and made friends, the first time since I've know her. She goes out often and leaves me with the three kids- I don't mind. I haven't got many friends anymore because of what she was like early in our relationship, but I don't mind, the family is more important. She's also got involved on every committee in the village, does fundraising for the preschool and PTA and this takes up a huge amount of both our time - but it seem to mate her happy to I go along with it.
Apart from all this she's still breastfeeding our 2yo and sleeps with her in our bed so there's been no room for me. I've been sleeping in the single beds with either of the other two kids since the youngest was born.

Anyway, out of the blue two weeks ago she handed me a letter saying she wanted to separate and went to live with her mother. The reasons? She says she's changed and so have I - and that's it. No discussion, nothing. No regard to how it will effect the kids - nothing! Luckily her mum lives a stones throw from us and my 4yo boy wants to stay with me, so that's some support and is keeping me going.

Sorry to go on, I just had to get this out somewhere. I've got absolutely no one in my life to share this with.

John, tempting as it is to cut and run at this point, I think you have to stick around for your children. If they really are not going to get the emotional support and unconditional love and understanding they will desperately need right now from their mother, then they need it from you. If they choose to live with you then you're more likely to get custody anyway I should think (though I don't know this).

I also think you should stop doing stuff for now. Sod the house, and sod the MIL's house. You need time to lick your wounds and decide on your next move. Personally, I don't think your wife deserves any second chances and that you're well shot of her so I think it is really healthy that you're not sure if you want her back. It may help to write down what she brings to your relationship and what she drains from it to give you some perspective.

And for goodness sake, get some legal advice now, or you will end up with her taking you for everything.

As others have said, for the sake of the kids, don't go anywhere for a while. When my dad left my mum, he didn't make contact for a year "to let us deal with our feelings". I just felt totally abandoned. To my eyes, he didn't leave my mum, he left me and obviously didn't want any of us.

I realise the situation isn't quite the same, but your absence after the split, whoever instigated it, will do your children untold damage. They don't care who left who, they just need both their parents around with lots of love and support. They won't understand that while parents may split with each other, they won't 'split' with the children, so they will be worrying that if mummy and daddy aren't with each other, they might be separated from you too.

Sorry, I don't think I'm explaining it well, but I hope you get the point.

I did a similar thing this year, I suddenly realised that my husband and I were no longer the people we married. I was 16 when I met him and I am 43 now - we just drifted apart.
There is no 'reason' for our seperation I just dont want to be married to him anymore.
I know it has hit my OH very hard and for that I am really sorry but I have grown into a very different person

I agree that you need to get some legal advice. I would recommend that you find a solicitor who is a member of Resolution - www.resolution.org.uk. You should be able to get an initial half hour consultation free of charge.

Just to correct a previous poster, assets will be split between you if and when you divorce but they won't necessarily be split equally. The courts will be looking for a fair split. That may be 50/50 but there are often good reasons why one of the partners should end up with more of the assets.

@maddy68

Have you got kids?
I could say the same thing about "drifting apart" but I still wouldn't walk out on my family.

i have got children but one is at uni and the other is 18 so they are not children any more. I do feel terribly sad about it tbh but now my children are older I could just a bleak future ahead and it terrified me!
My OH and myself are still very close and we will always care about each other but we will never be a 'couple' again :(

@maddy68

our kids are 2, 4 and 5. My 4yo boy is clearly peed off with mum. Now my 5yo girl has come over and wants to stay with me. Wife wants me out of the house. There is no way I could afford to rent somewhere nearby.

John, please don't leave the kids, now or ever. They will feel abandoned and it'd be a shitty thing to do.

And please don't make them choose between you, talk to her about custody, get legal advice etc etc, decide what you want, but remember that the kids need both of you, however you now feel about each other.

Agree that you should not be doing DIY of any kind right now, much more important stuff to sort out!

Stay in the house. Your wife cannot make you leave prior to any divorce. And, as others say, please put your children first. Don't allow them to be used as pawns in a battle between you and your wife. They need you now more than ever.

john, your dc are too young to decide where and with whom they will stay

I don't understand what you mean by saying 2 of them (age 4 and 5? correct me if i am wrong...) have "come over" and "decided to stay with you"

when this is sorted out, I hope you get a shared arrangement (and you should) but far too soon to start letting such little ones make pronouncements like that

John, consider being the custodial parent. Talk to a lawyer so you know your rights so you are not blindsided.

Anyways, maybe your kids know something that you don't know. Why would they want to stay with you and not their mother? Are you the cool, fun parent?

John, I would also tell you that you need to let the kids know that where they live is not their decision. They can have input, but they are too young to decide. Unless they tell you about something unsafe in their mother's home, listen to their preferences, then do what is best. Many kids believe that they are the reason their parents do anything, and if they think they have to choose one parent over another, it can cause a lot of heartache down the road.

Also, I hear you about doing something is good, keep the receipts for the work you do on the house (especially if said work is therapeutic to you) so that you can show that you have IMPROVED it, especially if it becomes her asset, she may have to compensate you for that if she gets the house.

And keep your kids front and center, they will be stronger for having a good Dad around to show them how normal people behave.

Do not do a disappearing act. You know all the time and energy you spent on trying to make her happy, and look after her mum? Stop wasting it on her and divert it to you and the kids. And I do mean to you as well as the kids. I suspect that when you stop putting everyone else's needs first, you might find you don't need the ADs after all.

My xh was high maintenance, and I got caught in the cycle of doing more and more things to make him happy: bigger houses, faster cars, working when he didn't work, but nothing made him happy.

I eventually gave up and asked him to leave.

It was the best thing I ever did.

I've had a lovely life since. Everything I do, I do for me and my son. The difference is amazing.

Please stay in the kids' lives. Firstly, they love you and need you. Secondly, their little world - the only world they've ever known - has been rocked. Thirdly, they have a high maintenance mum. And, from my experience, high maintenance parents can demand a lot from their children, or go completely the other way and not be involved enough.

You have the chance for a fresh start. Work out what makes you feel better, and, providing it doesn't hurt anyone else, do it.

Can you respond to this from Sassybeast, John?

"Sassybeast Mon 26-Sep-11 22:13:25

Wooohaaa - ' I decided she needed a change of scenery so I applied for a job in Oz and got it.'

How much say did she have in this decison to move to the other side of the world?"

@AyeBelieveInTheHumanityOfMen,

it was her idea initially because her sister was living out there.

@mynewpassion,

"Are you the cool fun parent?"
I don't know about that, but I'm not the parent that sulks and mopes around like I'm so hard done by 50% of the time. My wife thinks her life is tough because she has to load a washing machine and then (shock, horror!) transfer that washing to a tumble dryer! And to my shame, I have expected her to use a Hover once in a while when I was too busy to do it. She has never "deep cleaned" the house while we've been married. You know what I mean? I mean like clean under things like the sofa, down the back of stuff, the walls in the kitchen, or taken things off the shelves and dusted them. I do all that stuff, fix the cars, fix the house, be happy and cheery for the kids, look after her mum, and earn the money and do all my own business accounts. The amount of crap she brings in the house and just leaves in bags lying around for month or stuffs them in cupboards so there's no room for anything else. When I'm at home with the kids and she's out I use the opportunity to tidy-up. I've thrown out hundreds of Kg of stuff that she's never even noticed has gone, just to free up some space - and she never notices! However, if I leave a bag of stuff I've chucked out by the bins, she'll come home,notice how tidy the house is, walk around with a face like a bulldog licking piss from a thistle, and then go through the bin bags! So I hide the bin bags and guess what - yep, she doesn't even notice the stuff is gone. The other day I couldn't find anywhere to hang my coat because the coat hooks were ten deep in her stuff! So I took everything off and found five, yes five, large handbags with all manner of crap in them, receipts I needed for the business included! She buys a bag fills it with crap and when it's full buys another!

Sorry, I feel better now!

She came to collect the kids for school this morning and I was my normal accommodating and friendly self, she didn't even acknowledge me in front of the kids.

Throwing out her belongings and going through her handbags wasn't a very nice thing to do. I wouldn't be happy with that, sorry.

And all this talk of what an amzing husband you are; how good you are at DIY and how you'd never cheat....I don't like it. It's like you're here to have your ego massaged and to flirt.

Realise that you're pissed off with your wife, fair enough, but you are not coming across very well. It isn't about which of you is worse, what you do / she doesn't do etc etc. It's about what you're going to do to make sure the kids are OK.

FGS, let the guy have a rant - his wife has walked out and won't speak to him and is probably shagging some other bloke and you're worried that he looked through her handbag?

Granny of 6 - you must be desperate or blind if you think anything the OP has written is flirtatious .

on the contrary you are coming across very well. Your wife is not.
Good luck , John.

FGS, women have come on her saying the exact same thing John has said about house work. Are they padding their egos, too? I haven't seen anyone post that about a woman.

Stop with the double standard, please!

John,

Firstly, I feel, and I would love to be wrong, that this marriage truly over and you need to start planning for your future as a single parent household. Start by getting a lawyer or at least start discussing with your wife how you are going to divy up the assets and custody issues.

Also, I think you have made her life too easy and you have let her get away with too much shite. You have let her take you for granted.

I am going to be honest with you and don't take this the wrong way. I am not the most tactful person but I am coming from a well-meaning place. So here goes....you have become father, mother, husband and wife in your household. She gets away with minimum housework and lots of free evenings. Its like your house is a role reversal of all the "Is my DH selfish, mean, not helping, etc" threads. Now its time for you take back your backbone and manhood. I am only saying this because I think you have lost your identity.

This is not saying you don't know your career goals or your own core values but you have let a huge part of your life be dictated by another person instead of it being a sharing of giving and taking. You have become what she wants you to become an accommodating doormat. You seem so isolated and your only outlet is work and correct me if I am wrong but you do that from your own home, too.

If you were a female poster, this would have been said over and over a million times already. You need to stop it and start asserting your own needs.

Take time out for yourself! A few people have said it already and you need to strongly give this serious consideration. Take a day or just an evening off and head down to the pub or go over to the next town and do something even if its just seeing a movie having coffee by yourself. Your wife or MIL could watch the kids for a day or two.

Stop with DIY on your house and on your MIL's house. I know you want to keep busy but don't add more value to the house if you are going have to give it to her or sell half of it to split the assets.

Don't stop contact with your kids or it might reflect badly on you re: custody issues.

So if you are offended, I apologize.

@mynewpassion,

no offense taken, and thanks.

I spoke to my MIL today. She's a good sort and pretty wise. She told me my OH didn't feel cared for by me, but she also said how difficult she is and hasn't made it easy for me.

@Grannyof6,

her handbags were not in use. She'd taken out anything important to her, not my business receipts however, and just left the bags full of sweet wrappers and other crap just hanging around. We've got a caravan that is so full of her crap you can get in it.
I think you're the sort of woman that thinks men are some kind of household utility. To many years of morally bankrupt claptrap from the likes of Germaine Greer and her ilk vilifying men.