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Original poster

What's fair? Working out finances in our marriage

242 replies

theredsalamander · 25/09/2011 11:26

ive had some fab support and feedback in this thread here and dh has agreed that we should split our finances in a more equitable way.

We have sat down and added together what our joint household expenditure is, so all household costs eg car fuel heating building maintenance car repairs water insurances the lot. Previously cars were indiv expenses.

Tbh it has scared the bejeezus out of me because for the first time I can see what dh has been funding out of his wages without any input from me and it's A LOT. They are the irregular costs that aren't calculated monthly and so don't go out on a monthly direct debit, for example car insurance or tax.

We are living a lifestyle which my wage cannot hope to contribute fairly to -if we split our contributions to joint account proportionally based on our incomes the maximum I could put in as my share still wouldn't be enough. (eg if total coat is 3k, my share might be worked out to £1k, but if I only get paid £800 a mOnth we are way off. Effectively dh has been funding the shortfall.)

I can't believe I have been so out of touch with our finances and feel like some 1950s housewife who is totally oblivious. Which I guessbi have been.

Logically I would argue that we need to downsize to a more affordable home, or dh should change his car to one the tyres don't cost 300 a pop. But dh says that at present we can afford to do all this because he paying for it- and therefore we should stay at the present system where we split monthly household costs 50/50 and he funds everythin else, I am getting a good deal and I just need to suck it up and be wiser with the cash I do have.

If we have system as he suggests, and additionally where I grow a pair and start telling him when i need to buy the things I need- of course not taking the piss, is this a good one? I am struggling to feel my way around this and could so with some assistance to deconstruct this!

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/09/2011 11:32

okay you are married, so the expenditure and income is all joint.

I think you put all the income and expenditure in the same account and then you each have uamount put into individual accounts that is your "pocket" money that you spend on what you want. You need to agree what is and isn't covered from the joint account and you need a budget for dc clothes and activities etc within the joint account.

RitaMorgan · 25/09/2011 11:33

Why don't you pool your money, then split whatever is left after bills as spending money?

It doesn't matter if you earn £1k and he earns £3K - your income is £4k. If your bills etc come to £3.5k then you each have £250 left a month as spending money.

VeryLittleGravitas · 25/09/2011 11:34

It's simple. Everything goes into the pot. After all bills and household expenses have been paid then the remainder is split 50/50 between you and DH.

If your DH earns 3 times your income that doesn't entitle him to three times more spending money. You are a team and get equal shares in everything.

Flyonthewindscreen · 25/09/2011 11:39

I haven't read your earlier thread but it seems weird to me to be married and haggling over which proportion of bills are paid by whom. You are husband and wife, not flatmates. What is wrong with your incomes going into a joint account which pays for your joint expenses? Additional extras also come out of the joint account, either partner is trusted to be sensible and not overspend on themselves and to mention big expenses before incurring them (I would mention anything over c£150 to my DH before going ahead and vice versa).

If your issue is that your DH doesn't want to cut back on your lifestyle to a level to which you can contribute equitably in financial terms, then yes you should be entitled to buy things you need without him being difficult.

Original poster
theredsalamander · 25/09/2011 11:40

That's the problem though, random- I want everything to be joint expense, but I don't think we can afford to at current outgoings levels. So we should cut back, get cheaper to run cars etc.

But dh says stay as we are, and that leaves me with virtually no disposable income.

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 25/09/2011 11:41

Does he have disposable income?

RandomMess · 25/09/2011 11:45

Whatever disposable income there is you share 50/50... even if it's only £100 each!

Could you go interest only on your mortgage for a while?

meditrina · 25/09/2011 11:46

I think you need to look more closely at what this means in practice, but you don't need to rush into it as you are affording your current lifestyle.

Things like car insurance, tax and repairs would have to be paid anyhow. Unless you're thinking of doing away with the car altogether, the difference here is that between average and actual, and it's that difference which could count as "his" fun.

People's hobbies and passions cost a different amount, and that is unrelated to the value it brings to each. Are there things you have been denying yourself on cost grounds? How much money would it take to fix that? Have you got enough? If not, how can it be most fairly liberated from the joint budget?

I think it's immensely positive that you now have a proper picture of your family budget. I hope you will keep on top of it, and not see this exercise as a one-off. As you can tell, I'm not too hung up on how much is in each person's individual bank account (literally if you have separate ones, or "yours" within a joint one), nor do I think a 50/50 cold hard cash split is the be-all and end-all. What matters to me is that you can both feel that you have fair shares of activities you value, and that the budget is adjusted to support that.

RandomMess · 25/09/2011 11:49

Another way of approaching it is you working out how much "treat" money per month you would like ie for clothes, activities, magazines etc (not including baby expenses) ask him if he thinks that is reasonable, you keep back that money and put everything else to the joint pot.

Original poster
theredsalamander · 25/09/2011 11:53

Actually we've just done the sums and splitting everything proportionally would leave me £400 a month worse off :( (theoretically- I don't have £400 a month anyway!)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/09/2011 11:58

But you are a family it is joint money and joint expenditure, it shouldn't be split at all in any ratio, one earns more than the other it doesn't mean one has nothing and the other has lots Confused

It's "our" money "we" jointly live within our means. I didn't work for 5 years earning actually money but I ran the house and did the child care, we shared what money came into the house because we are a family.

I don't understand the issue tbh.

buzzskillington · 25/09/2011 12:02

That why everything needs to be considered joint, and once the bills are paid, you split anything left over for leisure/savings etc. It's ludicrous that supposedly being more fair actually leaves you worse off. He earns more, he pays more. You're a partnership, and it should be what's mine is yours and yours is mine.

rubyslippers · 25/09/2011 12:02

I'm with random mess

Apart frm one period of a year, when I eanrt more than DH, he has always earnt significantly more than me

We have one account - everythig comes into it and then back out again - mortgage, child care, car, food etc

rubyslippers · 25/09/2011 12:04

Salamaner - why does your DH want to leave things as they are, if it means you have no disposable income :-/

elliott · 25/09/2011 12:05

I don't understand how you can be worse off by pooling your finances. Can you give us some figures? What is the problem with doing as many posters have suggested, pool income, subtract expenditure, agree how much to put into savings and how much you can each spend freely out of what is left? If I understand correctly, your total outgoings are less than income? So why are you worse off if you split proportionately? In my view, a fair way of running family finances means that both parties make their income available for the family, and both have a say over agreeing how that is prioritised. If you're lucky, that will include some personal spends that the partner can't veto, but that needs to be within the agreed budget.

TrillianAstra · 25/09/2011 12:06

What's fair is that you both get the same amount of money for your disposable income ("spending money").

If that means him paying for everything, or even sending money to your spending money account, then so be it. You contribute a lot of non-financial stuff to the partnership.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 12:06

Maybe I'm being thick, but I don't see how the arithmatic can add up here. If you met joint costs proportionally to your incomes and that left you with no disposable income, then that would also leave him with no disposable income. Because if it's using up 100% of your income it would also use up 100% of his. Right? But I seem to remember from your last thread that he has plenty of pocket money. Is a fast one being pulled with the numbers?

I can recommend how we do it. We have one joint account, and a sole account each. All income goes into the joint account. All expenses are met from the joint account. One of those expenses is personal money, a monthly standing order from the joint account to each of our sole accounts. These standing orders are for the same amount. We have ALWAYS had the same amount of personal money. Easy enough at the start where we both worked full-time on roughly equal incomes. Never changed as our relative earnings fluctuated. Apart from a brief period, DH's income has always been greater than mine. He has never taken more personal money from the joint account than me.

You both have to get away from the idea of "my money" and move towards "family money".

elliott · 25/09/2011 12:08

Oh, and any system that leaves one partner with much less personal spending / or having to 'ask' for money from the other, would not be 'fair' in my book.

fivegomadindorset · 25/09/2011 12:10

So basically nothing is going to change which is what he wants anyway.

elliott · 25/09/2011 12:13

We do it the same as whereyoufleftit. I also agree with her point that the sums can't be right if you are left with nothing and he has surplus.

Catslikehats · 25/09/2011 12:19

As others have said there is something off with the sums here.

At the moment you have no surplus right?

How much does he have? And if you don't know exactly what sort of things does he spend on? Whatever that figure is needs to be split between you 50/50.

GnomeDePlume · 25/09/2011 12:20

We have always pooled everything. Mostly I have earned considerably more than DH but that is irrelevant in terms of spending. All the money goes in the joint account. Every thing comes out of that. I manage the joint account so am far more aware about our family finances than DH. This does not make him a 50s housewife!

RedSalamander why do you want to live at a much lower income level when your joint income is higher? Do you worry that your DH's income is unreliable?

fivegomadindorset · 25/09/2011 12:22

We do the same as GnomeDePlume, DH justs checks whether there is enough for what he would like, but he can be a bit flaky with money.

FabbyChic · 25/09/2011 12:23

Why are you working it out so that you pay the same proportion? Thats impossible as he earns more.

It should work out that you both have the same amount of disposable income irrespective of what you earn.

Malificence · 25/09/2011 12:41

It shouldn't matter who earns what, there is either money left over after the bills ( to share or save) or there is not Confused

DH earns five times what I earn ( I only work 16 hours pw) we have a joint account and all the money is ours - the only different thing is that he has £20 a week "pocket money" , but he puts at least £10 of that in his stash and we use it for holiday spends and the other £10 usually goes on food for both of us in his company shop. I don't need cash during the week so I've rarely got more than a couple of quid in my purse, I either buy stuff for myself online or get it at the weekend when we are together - I would never feel I had to ask permission for any spending.