What's fair? Working out finances in our marriage

[theredsalamander]

ive had some fab support and feedback in this thread here and dh has agreed that we should split our finances in a more equitable way.

We have sat down and added together what our joint household expenditure is, so all household costs eg car fuel heating building maintenance car repairs water insurances the lot. Previously cars were indiv expenses.

Tbh it has scared the bejeezus out of me because for the first time I can see what dh has been funding out of his wages without any input from me and it's A LOT. They are the irregular costs that aren't calculated monthly and so don't go out on a monthly direct debit, for example car insurance or tax.

We are living a lifestyle which my wage cannot hope to contribute fairly to -if we split our contributions to joint account proportionally based on our incomes the maximum I could put in as my share still wouldn't be enough. (eg if total coat is 3k, my share might be worked out to £1k, but if I only get paid £800 a mOnth we are way off. Effectively dh has been funding the shortfall.)

I can't believe I have been so out of touch with our finances and feel like some 1950s housewife who is totally oblivious. Which I guessbi have been.

Logically I would argue that we need to downsize to a more affordable home, or dh should change his car to one the tyres don't cost 300 a pop. But dh says that at present we can afford to do all this because he paying for it- and therefore we should stay at the present system where we split monthly household costs 50/50 and he funds everythin else, I am getting a good deal and I just need to suck it up and be wiser with the cash I do have.

If we have system as he suggests, and additionally where I grow a pair and start telling him when i need to buy the things I need- of course not taking the piss, is this a good one? I am struggling to feel my way around this and could so with some assistance to deconstruct this!

Thanks in advance.

TRS, hats off to you for fighting through this far. You are not wallowing (though you are entitled to an entire champagne-filled jacuzzi worth of wallowing after everything you have been through).

Please keep posting, we are all keeping our fingers crossed for you.

TheRedSalamander, how are things now? I have wondered about this thread often. I do hope things have improved either way.

Hope things are going ok OP?

Hello, wow thanks for remembering me!

I am biding my time at the moment. Working out what the future might look like for my dc and without me being married to their dad, working out finances/saving a bit here and there for my escape fund and the like.

Things really did improve for a while after we spoke but they've slipped back into the old ways, and tbh I am tired of getting upset and fed up of feeling rubbish so I've sort of mentally switched off from him. I don't know if he's noticed- him being rubbish with empathy is one of the things that hurts being married to him- but if he has I don't care. I am now just getting up the courage to finally say "its over. please leave." But there are a lot of financial things I need to understand before I think as he has all the cards. And I don't want to give him an inkinling of what I'm considering as he'd do sneaky things like sign over all his assets to his brother so that they couldn't be considered in any settlement figures and plead total poverty.

I'm really touched that you two thought to ask after me- thanks, it means something to know that there are people somewhere wishing me well.

Fours- actually who am I kidding I'm not biding my time, I'm terrified of taking the plunge and starting divorce proceedings. I'm scared witless about it. The only thing that keeps me going day to day is dreaming about my own place where dc and I don't tread on eggshells to keep dh happy, where we can be individuals not conforming to his expectations to avoid his bad moods. Which are not as extreme as they used to be admittedly but he makes himself understood nonetheless.

Problem is that I reached the end if my tether on Saturday (again. As dh himself points out, I get fed up to the eyeballs every 5 or 6 months and we have a big row. I just can't summon the courage to leave as I am imagining all sorts of turmoil and distress ) and whilst things have improved since my original post in September, its too late. I don't want to be with him anymore but now that things are better, I will look like such a complete and utter cow. ("I've tried so hard to be a better person, but it's still not good enough? You vile bitch Red, poor me I am a victim") and I don't know if I have it in me to break up the family AND be the one in the wrong.

I have no idea what I'm going to do, apart from one thing which is go and speak to gp this week about some anti-depressants as I feel like I am living in a fog. I am forgetful, tearful, no enthusiasm for anything and could easily be in bed by 8.30 every night. If I am asleep at least I am not feeling so trapped.

Can someone talk sternly to me please. I know I should leave him but I am cowardly and scared. I am going to be the bad one in this and it's only me to say that it's actually any different.

Hi Red, I remember reading your threads last year and although hadn't posted had wondered how you got on.
It is a difficult time making the decision that you know you have to leave, it is often harder the actually doing it though as you are now finding.
He isn't going to change his ways, that much is clear now you just have to get resolved to the fact that it is you that needs to make changes, by leaving and allowing yourself to be happy as you patently aren't happy within your marriage.
Worrying about what others think isn't going to help you rediscover your happiness, you have to think about what is best for you and your dc's. Your dh is being abusive with you, a life walking on eggshells is no life for you and your children.
As they say, the first step is the hardest, I would suggest that the first step for you right now would be to go and seek some legal advice.

Plan everything now, find all paperwork relating to finances and assets, get the documents copied and leave them with a friend or a solicitor if you engage one....don't hide any docs in the house, I did this and ex found them and hid them from me and I could not relocate them which caused some problems further down the line. Find and make notes of any accounts he may have too.
Think about how your children will grow up if you stay with him, if they too are walking on eggshells then they will be happier and more relaxed living away from him too.

It is scary leaving but think on this, what is more scary staying for another 5 years or leaving now and re-building you life and that of your children?

Did you ever go and get counselling?

Catherine thankyou for taking the time to post. I need to get the courage to do this I know. As much as i hate how our relationship is I don't hate him. I know this will hurt him so much, not living with the dc will be horrific for him and although I know it's necessary I don't want to hurt him. But i feel llet down, disappointed and I've stopped loving him because I don't trust him to have my best interests in mind.

What a mess. I wish I'd left the last time I tried (before we married) but didn't have the guts to follow through. But wouldn't have my precious dcs then I suppose so not all bad.

You're welcome. Think of it this way, he is not having any thought for your feelings is he, he would quite happily trample over you financially and emotionally so long as things go his way. I was the same though didn't want ex to hurt even though he had been mentally hurting me for years.

Why did you leave before?

I didn't feel like he loved me. He convinced me he'd change and cried and begged and turned up at my workplace etc andbi thought"wow he really dies love me after all!"

One if the issues I have with him is that he doesn't seemto have many of the positive emotions I associate with being loved- tenderness, kindness, tolerance, indulgence, contentedness, just the bad. Annoyance, frustration, impatience. I have often said he seems to tolerate me, not love me. Fed up of feeling like an afterthought.

Well you were probably right, although maybe in his mind he does think he loves you?

Stop feeling like an afterthought then you need to take control of your life back the resulting feeling is really good eventually, at some point, sat in your own house with the kids in bed and you able to relax without trying to constantly please your dh.

Seriously, go and get a free half hour with a solicitor see what they have to say.

I gather you didn't get yourself counselling in the end?

im in a similar situatiom my partner earns about 3k a month i at the minute earn 6oo a month we have always had sepaerate finances , he pays all the bills , i buy food and pay the phone bill , i run my own car , pay my own mobile phone and thats about the extent of my outgoings , however im due to start a new job where i will be earning about 1800 a month , he is saying he wants me to pay about 400 a month into his bank , my names not anything in this house so theroretically its not my house , have had a lot of reletionship problems and cant see us staying together if i leave i walk away with nothing

Catherine- I didn't go to counselling. Couldnt afford the £30 an hour it cost and they were unable to assist with that bit sadly. I probably could afford it now (have finished paying something off) but not sure what I'd get out of it.
I agree that in his mind he loves me, but trying to convince him that his behaviour is wrong doesn't work. He has changed it a bit but I know he doesn't really believe he should have to, just seems like "another" sacrifice he's having to make for my benefit. Charming.

80'sgirl- are you married? How old are your children?

Find a solicitor - on a recommendation, NOT just out of a phone book - who will consider payment out of the settlement. You need an absolute ball-breaker.

Don't give a hint of what you're planning. Be nice nice nice.

Start digging financially. You seriously need access to all account information. He would seriously sign over some of YOUR JOINT MARITAL ASSETS to his brother in order to steal from you and your children? That says it all, doesn't it?

This last is going to be your most potentially difficult bit, especially if you think he has stuff 'hidden'. I'm sure there are a lot of people who can give you advice on how to get information if you post what you think the issues are - bank statements all at work/no access to passwords etc.

But seriously, you need to get that info BEFORE he suspects a thing if you think there's a chance he'd defraud you.

And keep MN history clear!!

have had a lot of reletionship problems and cant see us staying together if i leave i walk away with nothing

early80sgirl better to walk away with nothing now, than to get involved any deeper, delaying the inevitable and making it even harder to do.

I'm assuming you have no children together?

he is saying he wants me to pay about 400 a month into his bank , my names not anything in this house

Why hasn't he suggested opening an joint account in both your names for bills?

Purely theoretical question, though. You say in your own words that you "cant see us staying together", so go with your gut feeling.

hi hotdamn , we do have a dd who is 11 , we have been together 16 yrs and he is very money minded or tight fisted if you like ! he has always been in control , feel very nervous about leaving , going it alone etc , i know this sounds pathetic i fear being on my own for ever , i have never really been single in all my adult life , i have allowed myself to be so dependant on him , i really dont know how to be on my own so scared !!!