Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's fair? Working out finances in our marriage

242 replies

theredsalamander · 25/09/2011 11:26

ive had some fab support and feedback in this thread here and dh has agreed that we should split our finances in a more equitable way.

We have sat down and added together what our joint household expenditure is, so all household costs eg car fuel heating building maintenance car repairs water insurances the lot. Previously cars were indiv expenses.

Tbh it has scared the bejeezus out of me because for the first time I can see what dh has been funding out of his wages without any input from me and it's A LOT. They are the irregular costs that aren't calculated monthly and so don't go out on a monthly direct debit, for example car insurance or tax.

We are living a lifestyle which my wage cannot hope to contribute fairly to -if we split our contributions to joint account proportionally based on our incomes the maximum I could put in as my share still wouldn't be enough. (eg if total coat is 3k, my share might be worked out to £1k, but if I only get paid £800 a mOnth we are way off. Effectively dh has been funding the shortfall.)

I can't believe I have been so out of touch with our finances and feel like some 1950s housewife who is totally oblivious. Which I guessbi have been.

Logically I would argue that we need to downsize to a more affordable home, or dh should change his car to one the tyres don't cost 300 a pop. But dh says that at present we can afford to do all this because he paying for it- and therefore we should stay at the present system where we split monthly household costs 50/50 and he funds everythin else, I am getting a good deal and I just need to suck it up and be wiser with the cash I do have.

If we have system as he suggests, and additionally where I grow a pair and start telling him when i need to buy the things I need- of course not taking the piss, is this a good one? I am struggling to feel my way around this and could so with some assistance to deconstruct this!

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
puzzlesum · 25/09/2011 21:27

The more I hear about this guy, the more I wonder if he's keeping a running total in order to invoice your children when they reach 18. He doesn't seem to have grasped the concept of 'family finances' but mysteriously does seem to understand how you're 'all in it together' - when you're the one paying.

As to having to save up to cover all your joint costs during your maternity leave - words fail.

Original poster
theredsalamander · 25/09/2011 21:30

Pointy and clam - and lots of others- thanks for you crossness on my behalf!

OP posts:
clam · 25/09/2011 21:35

Well, I agree that men in general hate the idea of women on MN berating their shortcomings, which is why I would never usually recommend it. But up to that point, the thread was fairly objective, unlike the other one, where people were rude about him. It's degenerated a bit since then though!!

Have you actually suggested, in words of one syllable, simplifying the whole thing and pooling ALL money into one pot and paying all outgoings (including the loan - note, THE loan, not your loan) from there? And if so, what was his objection?

Oh and it doesn't surprise me at all to hear he can intimidate you by being scary. Doesn't need to be physical.

clam · 25/09/2011 21:37

Stick to your guns. You are in the right, you know you are.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 25/09/2011 21:38

I've just read this and I'm so angry for you.

Yes, he is an arse. How does he get away with this?!

You are married. What you do is, you check how much your (joint) essential expenses come to. Then you look at what is left over. No matter who earned it. And you share that out. You do not fuck around with making your partner feel crap because they are looking after your children and your home.

Btw, in case you do show your DH this, I'm a woman, my DH has never earned more than me, and we draw on savings from my side when we need them. This is normal. His attitude is not.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/09/2011 21:43

Please do not show this thread, your only independent source if support, to this abuser.

He has been stealing from you for years. He is a greedy, selfish, controlling bastard.

Romilly70 · 25/09/2011 21:52

Dear Red, glad you are getting angry because it will give you the strength to force some changes.

I am oversimplifying, but you are working and sacrificing time with your very precious children so that he can run an expensive car and have effectively been put through education by you and not have to even pay back the debt

He is emotionally abusing you - i have read your other threads about the golf clubsm complaining about the mess etc

If you were divorced, he would be obliged to provide a roof over his children's heads, pay maintenance, and as you are actually very good with money - saving up to pay your way even through maternity leave, you will probably find that you could reduce your part-time hours and have more time with your children.....

i am not saying divorce is the solution, but to be honest, it looks like he has brainwashed you since you were teenagers and is not good for you.

Work backwards from what i think you ultimately want, which is to spend as much time with your DC's then do what is necessary to make that happen for your and their ultimate happiness and peace of mind.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 25/09/2011 21:57

TRS - I've just searched your past threads... this is about so much more than the money, isn't it. Glad to see you finally getting angry about how this man has treated you!

Maybe you should look back at what you've posted over the past couple of years, and think about what this all adds up to?

(Have also seen what his 'expensive car' is Shock - is the cheeky git trying to put that under 'joint expenses'?!)

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 21:59

SheCutOffTheirTails has got it exactly right - "He has been stealing from you for years." Yes, STEALING. I am so glad that you have got angry, OP. You have much to be angry about.

NoMoreWasabi · 25/09/2011 22:02

OP - you need to get angry and stay angry.

EightiesChick · 25/09/2011 22:05

Agree totally with the above post from Romilly - if you were no longer a couple he would be paying out a fortune, comparatively! You have been treated very badly.

Covering the household costs during maternity leave should have been a joint expense.

Covering childcare costs when you went back to work should have been a joint expense.

Paying back the cost of the loan from when you were students should have been a joint expense (arguably, he should now be paying all of this himself)

Instead, you are shouldering all these financial burdens alone. Now who says you aren't good with money? Too good for your own good, that's what you are. And he has played on that big time.

I was seriously ill a few years ago, and at the time, DH earned much more than me (over twice as much). Did he nag me to get back to work and stop slacking, and to pay my way? No. He told me I should think about giving up work and I could stay at home for a while (this was before having kids, btw) because he could earn enough to keep both of us and he thought it would be better for me to have a rest. Can you see your DH making an offer like that?

I am very, very angry on your behalf. I think you need to get copies of statements showing how much he has in savings, because morally and - I believe - legally, you have a right to a fair share of that. Do not show him this thread. Gather all the financial info together you can and go discreetly to see someone for financial advice about what you are legally entitled to and what you could claim for in the event of divorce. Then you have the info you need to make decisions.

Original poster
TheRedSalamander · 25/09/2011 22:11

Thank you for your kindness- I am such a placid person normally (hmmm maybe now thinking that I'm not placid just conditioned. I'm getting the hang of this) but for the last three hours my heart has been beating so hard and I am raging.

I didn't even feel like eating ffs, I am the sort of person for whom a missed meal is so unusual it would make it to my Facebook status.

Just trying to think now about what to do next. I am 100% certain that there is no way in the world that dh will agree to pool everything and work from there. Let alone include my loan in our joint expenses.

Oh fuck :(

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 25/09/2011 22:15

Yes... I think your placidness may not be doing you any favours here, other people may try to take advantage of it by behaving in entirely unreasonable ways.

applechutney · 25/09/2011 22:19

Am absolutely fuming on your behalf, TRS. Please hold onto that anger and use it positively to change your life.

How dare he treat you in this way! Angry

You sound like a lovely intelligent woman btw.

I can't remember when a thread last made me feel this Angry and Sad

Romilly70 · 25/09/2011 22:22

I think the way to go is to be practical and start collating all the financial data and keep copies away from your home
Income, expenditure, savings etc - there will be others along who could be more specific than me.
Worst case scenario is that you will part from your H, but you really need to get a clearer picture of exactly where you are financially.

This is also a bit machiavellian, but open another account which your H does not know about and see whether you can take a holiday from paying the loan but squirrel away the same amount so that you have some emergency money; also a credit card, (in joint names? also which he does not know about), so that you can still pay for things, becuase if this gets nasty the first thing he will do is withold money from you, even if your children go without.

also, as he has his own business, you need to try and get some copies of the company accounts & bank statements to see how much cash is stashed away there.

clam · 25/09/2011 22:38

Why have you now capitalised your posting name? Your posts are no longer coming up as highlighted in purple on my page.

Dozer · 25/09/2011 22:45

This is about so much more than money. Don't actually think you should push it any further until you've thought more seriously about the situation you're in and what to do about it. Romilly has made some good suggestions as a start.

JulesJules · 25/09/2011 22:47

Yes, is it still you, red ?

Cannot believe he has that car and you have to beg for money to buy shoes for work ffs. And clothes for the children. His children.

This thread has made me so angry. And sad.

Dozer · 25/09/2011 22:57

I am really angry too. It's horrible what he's done.

OP, the women on here are not anti men, they're anti men who are horrible to their wives and partners. Like yours. Listen to the advice if you can face it.

Original poster
TheRedSalamander · 25/09/2011 23:00

Yes it is still me. Sorry, been playing around with a new name as I have a feeling I might want to leave a cold trail, if that makes sense.

Im going to have a good think about what to do over the next few weeks. I will come back to this thread and the other ones to remind myself why I am angry now (just know that in a few days it will have died down.)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRedSalamander · 25/09/2011 23:02

Ah but he's changes his car now. Much more expensive one ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRedSalamander · 25/09/2011 23:04

Jules - I don't beg. They were going on my Xmas list.

Anyway- off to bed now. Nighty night allx

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 25/09/2011 23:04

The more I read the more I think that the guy is a total twat, you should dump his sorry ass and hit him where it hurts: his wallet. Take the tight wad selfish fucker to the cleaners.

I would not normally advocate that because I hate greedy grabbing women, but you wont be greedy or grabbing, just getting back a bit of the financial support he owes you.

clam · 25/09/2011 23:04

OK, but for the last time, will you stop calling it YOUR F*ING LOAN???!!!
It's NOT yours. And please tell him that and keep on telling him it until he gets it into his thick skull.

Bogeyface · 26/09/2011 00:14

I think I might have missed something about the loan. Did the OP take it out to help him?