What's fair? Working out finances in our marriage

[theredsalamander]

ive had some fab support and feedback in this thread here and dh has agreed that we should split our finances in a more equitable way.

We have sat down and added together what our joint household expenditure is, so all household costs eg car fuel heating building maintenance car repairs water insurances the lot. Previously cars were indiv expenses.

Tbh it has scared the bejeezus out of me because for the first time I can see what dh has been funding out of his wages without any input from me and it's A LOT. They are the irregular costs that aren't calculated monthly and so don't go out on a monthly direct debit, for example car insurance or tax.

We are living a lifestyle which my wage cannot hope to contribute fairly to -if we split our contributions to joint account proportionally based on our incomes the maximum I could put in as my share still wouldn't be enough. (eg if total coat is 3k, my share might be worked out to £1k, but if I only get paid £800 a mOnth we are way off. Effectively dh has been funding the shortfall.)

I can't believe I have been so out of touch with our finances and feel like some 1950s housewife who is totally oblivious. Which I guessbi have been.

Logically I would argue that we need to downsize to a more affordable home, or dh should change his car to one the tyres don't cost 300 a pop. But dh says that at present we can afford to do all this because he paying for it- and therefore we should stay at the present system where we split monthly household costs 50/50 and he funds everythin else, I am getting a good deal and I just need to suck it up and be wiser with the cash I do have.

If we have system as he suggests, and additionally where I grow a pair and start telling him when i need to buy the things I need- of course not taking the piss, is this a good one? I am struggling to feel my way around this and could so with some assistance to deconstruct this!

Thanks in advance.

His whole family have "control" issues- not necessarily in an abusive way towards others but OCD for example is rife- and we often giggle about the fact that they can't let things go -eg his mum (and his sister on his mums behalf) are still cross that a lady his mum knew offered to sell some of their things at a car boot sale but didn't give them all the money she took. This was in 1988 when sil was about 10 but they both still do a cats bum mouth I'd it's mentioned, which I find hilarious.

He does have problems communicating with them effectively.

We have sorted out the money bit i think- pool everything and split what's left over- but something is broken and the worst thing is I don't know whether I want to fix it :( A little light has gone ping!!! in my brain and lit up a whole room full of feelings and worries that I've been keeping dark and dusty for such a while. I only visit this room to add something else to it, then close the door tightly again and pretend it's not there. Don't think I can find the switch though to turn it off this time.

Oh salamander that's sad. but you've described it well. As you say, take a breather for a little while. Shut the door again and come back to it. Something else will be along in a while to prompt you to open it again, no doubt.

Well you know that's GREAT news about the money bit -- so it all got sorted! Well done! what do you think finally made him 'get it'? I hope things improve in that area going forward.

It miust have been very difficult for you and it's not surprising you feel things are broken. I'm sorry. You know you have every right to say, 'I'm sorry, but I don't think I want to fix things.' There comes a point where there's just too much to fix. And also, a time when you can no longer turn off that light and pretend everything's fine.

It sounds like your DH does have some serious issues (whether inherent or from growing up with his particular family) that are preventing him from having a 'normal' emotional relationship, and that are putting a lot of strain and stress on you. I think you need some breathing space to recover from this bout, but then I think you really should think about what you want to do.

I have a feeling that for me personally, I would not have the energy to keep dealing with all these issues, and the only way I would stay is if he went to counseling in order to get some strategies for dealing with his issues. Even if it's not his fault he lacks empathy, etc., it is his responsibility to find a way of dealing with it so that you are not treated badly.

do you think you can go to your best friend's this weekend?

Make sure the new arrangement for money really is sorted and he's not just saying what you want to hear in the hope you quiet down and don't go to counselling. Make sure it happens. And watch for his reaction - is he cool about it or does he carp on about what he's putting in/ giving up.

Good news about the money. But please do go to counselling (alone) as there's so much more to be sorted out. Seeing your best friend is great, good break etc, but she won't be able to be totally honest about stuff to do with your DH as friends have to tread carefully with these situations.

Pickaday- I'm going to relate on my own. He doesn't know this, in order for me to be able to deal with the situation and sort it out in my head I need him to be calm and not cross all the time. Which he would be if I told him I was going to counselling.

Dreaming- you are very diplomatic! It is the energy thing for me too, I am worn down by it. I can almost predict what will happen from now on in, things will be much betterf or a few weeks, then it will start to slip and in a few months (basically however long it takes me to get fed up with his behaviour again) we will be back exactly where we are now. Ad nauseum. Ad infinitum. Per Una. :o

Sorry Dozer x-posted. I agree, need someone removed from the situation to sound things out to.

Ah, I'm so glad you're going to counseling! It will help a LOT, I'm sure, to get some objective advice and have someone to listen.

The energy thing is tricky. On the one hand, you can make bad decisions when you're exhausted -- you just can't cope with anything. But if you wait until you feel stronger, well then you feel strong enough to cope with things.

But, I'm sure the Relate people will have seen this dynamic a million times and will have some good advice.

The fact that you can't tell him you're going to counseling speaks volumes.

You and your children deserve to be happy, and you shouldn't have to fight so hard to get that.

I did wonder, from the two threads, whether your DH may have a mild case of Asperger's.

It may be that he sees things in a very black and white kind of way, rather than being deliberately controlling in an abusive way. He does seem to have found it hard to approach this issue from any sense of empathy with your pov.

But it is good that you have sorted it out - very well done to you for that.

Counselling sounds an excellent idea and I hope it gives you clarity, and from that strength.

Why is Aspergers always used as an excuse for inconsiderate behaviour? It seems to be suggested anytime someone is being a twat.

Glad you have made some progress with this issue, well done for sticking to your guns. Good luck with the counselling.

Not inconsiderate behaviour, but ridgid ways of doing things and a lack of speed in seeing it from someone else's pov or how they feel.

It's a possibility. It should perhaps be explored for a moment or two before the OP is advised to go straight to Women's Aid!

AS has it's advantages as well as it's disadvantages, anyway. It's not a value judgement or a condemnation.

He is a very "male left brain" thinker. Maths / physics / anything with repetitive or predictable patterns (ironically not relating to his own behaviour though!) he is very able. But empathy, picking up on non verbal cues and body language, using creativity and imagination are very lacking. He also gets a bit obsessed about particular topics or thoughts and once his mind gets stuck in a groove thinking about a particular thing it's quite hard to change the path.

And I am a rather right brain female type thinker. So I use my feelings a lot to guide my behaviour. And I understandwhatmakeshimtick.

But he doesn't really know what makes me tick I don't think.

His ways of thinking seem flexible enough, as long as he has all the power and money, and you don't.

A rigid thinker who had been supported through college would be annoyingly insistent on repaying the perceived debt.

Also, you can't come up with any pseudo-medical diagnosis for being so controlling that he would make your life a misery if you sought counselling.

This is bollocks-all to do with Asperger's. You can have Asperger's and not be abusive.

His treatment of you is abusive, regardless of the cause.

Doesn't know what makes you tick, or doesn't particularly care (or certainly not enough to find out) what makes you tick?

"You can have Asperger's and not be abusive."

Yes, of course

The vast majority of abusers will be NT. There may be some individuals who are abusive and happen to have AS, there may be individuals who are behaving in an abusive manner as a result of their AS, but can change that behaviour if it is pointed out to them.

And no-one has actually diagnosed him, just suggested that it may be something to ocnsider. My brother has AS and that gives a useful signpost to ways that we can all communicate with mutual understanding.

I'm pleased there is an agreement to pool income and share what's left, OP.

Tails- and all your arguments are the sorts of things I want to talk to a counsellor about. I appreciate your pointing these things out. And thank you if you are cross on my behalf, some of your indignation must have rubbed off on me in order for me to start trying to address it all- but I am a bit fragile (unserstandably i think?) and now I'm feeling a bit "shouted at".

Buzz- I'm not sure!

I can see three broad scenarios

a) Your DH knows what he is doing is selfish but does it any way.

b) Your DH doesn't realise what he is doing is selfish but when it is pointed out to him he doesn't do anything to change or only changes temporarily until the heat goes out of the situation.

c) Your DH doesn't realise what he is doing is selfish but when it is pointed out to him he does made a reasonable effort to change his behaviour.

I know this is very simplistic. If he falls into a) or b) then its hard to see how things will ever be OK. If he falls into c) then its hard work but may be worth the effort.

Only you know which scenario is closest to your experience.

Glad to hear that the money appears to be sorted.

Salamander, you have done very well.
Challeneged him
Got him to come and discuss it with you
Not been fobbed off
Got the financial situation changed
Had the courage to face up to the fact that there are wider issues.

Lots of us fail on that last one, to the sad detriment of our lives.

Good luck.

Chaz - it's b) :(

B could be summed up as "doesn't care that his behaviour is selfish"

thered - fair enough, best of luck

TRS - I'm sorry to hear that.

I think Relate on your own seems like a good idea.

Chaz, that's a great summation.

I'm sorry to hear it's B

I hope Relate will give you some good advice and options.

If he's not fundamentally willing to change then I don't think you should keep banging your head against the wall for the rest of your life.

I am pretty bored of adding stupid :( buggering emoticons though. Must stop wallowing!

You are not wallowing, as onetrickmoney says, you have done a lot in recent days and weeks, not to mention years of hard work and careful financial management to support your family. Is OK to feel sad.

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Good God woman, you are so far from wallowing you're practically in the desert! That little light going ping! has shown you what you're up against, you are entitled to feel sad; it's the other side of the 'ignorance is bliss' coin. If you didn't feel sad at "a whole room full of feelings and worries that I've been keeping dark and dusty for such a while" I'd question your sanity.

I'm glad to hear the money problem MAY be sorted, and that you're going to counselling alone. These are very positive steps that you're taking, and I wish you well.