Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

well, it does seem at times that sgb accuses the monogamy crowd of applying their own set of boundaries to a scenario

when it is quite clear she is doing precisely that

I guess it is up to OP to decide which viewpoint she is most comfortable with

kerrymumbles - does pregnancy remove all sexuality from the woman or should it? Isn't great that he thinks of his wife also as a sexual partner and not only as an incubator who mustn't be troubled with anything to do with sexual pleasure?

WW, would you be happy for your OH to unsettle you so profoundly that you were impelled to post on an anoymous website about it ?

I wouldn't

like sternface said, he has obviously massively misjudged this...if only just the timing, but possibly the content of these fantasies

you see, when I have sexy time ( ) on the phone with DH, we both would hope to get something out of it

epic fail by him on this one

I'd be very upset if my husband told me all this in the OP's circumstances.

Sharing fantasies, fine, but it requires a modicum of intimacy, sharing a bed or just a 'moment'.

Given that her DH is in another country right now, whilst OP is at home, pregnant, I would imagine this would only make the distance between them feel even wider.

If it were me, I should say

Anyfucker - If my husband voiced a fantasy to me which I found unsettling I would talk to him about it rather than posting to an anonymous website about it to get validation of my feelings. And that's how a relationship works in my book.

as would I, WW

but Op asked us, so I gave her my opinion, and so did you

up to you, OP, what you do with it

Read whole thread - only thing I'd like to add is that you must bring it up in the next convo you have with him before you (and possibly he) stew about it and build it up in your head to a massive issue. It sounds like you have a great relationship but the long times apart are just awful you need reassurance now and not from a bunch of projecting strangers on MN.

Fwiw I think clouds is seriously overreacting and seems to detest male sexuality - not all male sexual desires are selfish and while OP's are misjudged, his dick heart seems to be in the right place in his fantasies.

For some people, just voicing the fantasy is quite enough of a thrill. His timing was crap, but I don't think he's an abusive sex-obsessed monster. He has probably been thinking about it quite a lot while enjoying his own time and by the time he talks to his wife on the phone it's like BLAM. Whereas she has been dealing with two small children, and a pregnancy and all that entails, basically running things on her own while he works - arranging hotel rooms and lists of positions has NOT been on her mind.
Neither are wrong, it's just poor timing on several counts. I'd be very surprised if he actually wants to do all that stuff in reality. For a start, there's nowt to do in a hotel lobby.

I don't know if this is going to be useful in any way OP, but from what you've described I'd say he's not picked all of this up from porn. Some of it seems to be fantasies that he's probably had for a while and has read about online. There are plenty of communities discussing the things he's brought up: the cuckolding fetish which involves wanting to watch you with another man. I don't think porn makes a man (or woman) want to see those sorts of things if the desire isn't already there. The imagination is a limitless thing and perhaps the distance has exacerbated the ideas he's masturbating to and the sexual thoughts he has. I'm not excusing him in any way for making you feel uncomfortable but a lot of this stuff has a strong psychological component and probably came from inside his head.

You absolutely should not do anything you don't want to, though, as others have said. You are under no obligation to do any of the things he has mentioned. For one thing, many of the things he has brought up, while exciting, come with plenty of risks for you. You having sex with someone else alone could lead to STDs or a dangerous situation, videos uploaded onto the internet stay there FOREVER, sex outdoors is illegal. As arousing as he may find them the practicalities are rather different. As Gay40 said, perhaps saying them aloud and thinking about them is enough for him?

I'm not going to go into details on here but I do know of people who have lived out fantasies involving their partner having sex with another person and then had a completely unexpected emotional reaction. The reality can be very different from the fantasy.

is sex outdoors illegal ?

Um, I assumed it was but having just googled frantically I'm now unsure. It all looks rather fuzzy. Sorry if I'm providing inaccurate information

I think the offence is "outraging public decency" so I guess sex outside is fine as long as you don't get caught.

He wasn't talking about a threesome he was talking about someone with a large cock fucking his wife, without any involvement from him. I think that's a direct result of too much porn and forgetting that sex with his wife is predominantly about the two of them, not his wife's vagina being filled bny any tom, dick or harry. It was about using his wife to turn him on, not his wife being satisfied at all.

OP I seriously think you need to ask your DH to stop watching porn if he so easily forgets that you have feelings and fantasies too.

Is wanting to arrange for your pregnant wife to be fucked by a big-cocked stranger, male sexuality? Is wanting to make your wife into porn and post it on-line, male sexuality? Is that the male sexuality that says that men want to impregnate as many women as possible, which makes this fine, even though there's nothing about impregnation involved here, unless the OP is very unlucky and gets pregnant by the big-cocked stranger.

OK if that's the case I hate male sexuality. It's extremely fucked up. Except I think this guy is an exception. He doesn't actually represent male sexuality, he represents a seedy subset of men who have decided that this is what masculinity consists of.

How have things become some fucked up that what he did has actually become acceptable and criticising it is seen as the problem?

What's the point of marriage if what it really means is "I promise to be faithful to you, but obviously not when you want to find a big-cocked man to service me "professionally" for your own wank pleasure. We can forget our vows at that point".

None of it makes any sense.

"Is that the male sexuality that says that men want to impregnate as many women as possible, which makes this fine"

Who is saying that? Who is saying it is fine?

You are getting confused by the concept of explainable v acceptable. A number of us are saying his situation is making his behaviour explainable.

Y'know a bit like Edward Jenner explained cowpox as a vaccine - he didn't say hey cowpox is great we should all try it.

Moving out of generic ranting the OP has stated she didn't feel pressured but that her world became tilted - which is entirely understandable. So some suggestions here would precipitate WW3 in this marriage and that is bad adivice in my mind. Talking rationally is the next step, not tar and feathering, surely?

It is, as someone else said, an epic fail on his part - timing bad, insensitive. But the trigger to end a marriage? Wow people give up easy.

OLKN, that's ok then

I once had to check out the law on sex outdoors. It's technically still a bit illegal but in practice any police officer who did happen to catch you on it would tell you to pull up your pants and clear off, rather than nicking you.
Unless of course you are at it in the middle of the school playground during dinner hour or something.

you can never control what goes on in someones mind can you - who knows what our partners are fantasising about when the lights go out.
All the op's dh has done ( so far ) is tell her about his wildest dreams - some people would argue that's a good thing to do and the sign of a healthy relationship - it's better than having an affair with the office secretary that's for sure! He probably had one too many and will regret the conversation, and if he's sensible he'll know fantasies are only great because they're not real - reality never ever lives up to them. That's the whole point.

a bit illegal ?

Actually I'm not sure he's just sharing a fantasy.

AF and Widow, I know it seems obvious that I should be talking to dh about all this instead of posting about it on an internet forum. But when he voiced all this fantasy stuff I was already feeling tired and emotional and I was so taken aback by it all I couldn't formulate a response to him at the time. I spent a horrible night thinking about it and in the morning I felt I needed to talk to someone about it. It wasn't possible to talk to him so early (and I wasn't ready) and it's not a conversation I could have with my mum or friends. I found it incredibly helpful to sort my feelings out, first by writing it all down and by reading everyone's responses. I never expected to laugh but some of the posts made me giggle and cheered me up no end.

And I felt relieved to read that many people thought that dh's fantasies were common enough for a lot of men - I didn't know this (and just for the record, SGB, I don't think this makes me repressed or lacking in imagination, I just never had this conversation with anyone before or any experience of it).

Clouds, I appreciate reading your viewpoint but my gut reaction (and based on what I have known of dh for over a decade) is that he does not represent some sleazy subset of men - which is why I found the whole thing so disturbing and unsettling.

Anyway, I really came on to post an update. I emailed dh last night and then he called me straight back.

I said in the email that I was having a hard time coming to terms with the fantasies he had shared and whilst I was glad he had told me what he was thinking and I didn't think his his fantasies were strange or weird in theory, I found it hard to reconcile them with him as a person and us as a couple.

I said I had been feeling weepy thinking of us on our wedding day and the vows we had made to each other. And how sitting beside him on that day, I never could have envisaged a time when him handing me over to another man (for his pleasure or mine) could feature in our life.

I said I missed him terribly and there were things in our life and our love-life I would like to improve - but I wanted to share a life with him and only him. He had also said in his fantasy conversation that he couldn't believe he wouldn't get to make love to me when I was 7 months pregnant (this will probably be our last dc). I told him I found this a very creepy thing to say. I would have been touched if he had said, "I miss you, I miss seeing your body changing and our baby growing inside you, I wish I could feel him kicking and lie beside you and take you in my arms)" but focusing on the sex had made me feel creeped out.

I said I wanted to make my bottomlines very clear which included:

1. No third party would ever feature in our love-life. Whilst I might have been comfortable with a fantasy scenario while we were in bed together, the fact that he thought of taking it further was now a complete turn-off for me.
2. I don't want to be videoed and I certainly would never be up for posting footage of me or us online.
3. I would prefer it if he watched less porn. It's not acceptable to me for him to email/message any singles or couples and I would be disturbed if he was watching anything violent/gang-bangs etc. If porn was to feature in our lives at all I would rather it was an occasional tool that we used together.

I told him he was all I ever wanted and he had always made me feel the same. I told him I thought porn might have desensitised him to us as a couple and that's why I thought he should watch less and think about the real us a bit more. I also said I felt a bit emotional in general and would like him to be more tender and thoughtful and he might think about how to express how he misses me better.

Gosh, sorry so long - will make quick cup of tea and post his response if anyone is still reading!

I'm very interested in his response Op. Fabulous email btw, very thoughtful and considerate.

That is a great email

OP, I hope you didn't misunderstand me

I am glad you posted, and you should do so whenever you feel like it. Then use the appropriate bits of any advice (in your opinion) you are given to crystallise your thoughts while you raise the issue with your husband. Which is exactly what you have done.

I hope he can reassure you now and you can get back to a place where you don't get "your world tilted"