Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

Some of the posters on here seem to argue that sex, whether the masturbatory or the mutual variety is only something which is enjoyed by men. What an odd view of the world.
Must say that OP's husband's fantasies don't float my boat, but what is wrong with him talking to her about it to see whether it's a fantasy which could possibly be shared, modified, acted out or only fantasised about together?

She could have been dreaming about being had by a big-knobbed stranger for years, but how is he to find out if talking about fantasies is taboo?

It's not just a fantasy. He wants to do it in real life.

But you're right Widow, how else can a man find out about whether his wife fantasises about being fucked by a big-dicked stranger without out going into great detail on the phone to her about how he'd like to find a big-dicked stranger to fuck her in a hotel whilst he waits downstairs. He's not sleazy, he's generous, he's given her a list of options for sex. The OP just needs to dry her tears and pick a couple.

Gay40, I'm hoping that's mostly what it is - being away from home and getting carried away.

I don't want to dictate what he can and can't watch but I'll make it clear that I think he should be watching a lot less and when he comes back I'll sit down and have a frank discussion with him. Will try to talk on the phone but I'll see how it goes.

Clouds, I'd like to think that he wouldn't really want to do it in real life. He's not the sort of man who I thought would ever be ok with this. I remember him scoffing at Indecent Proposal with Robert Redford! He said about a hotel room and him waiting in the lobby but he hasn't actually looaked into hotels. And he did mention adverts where people advertise their services and how he'd like a professional to sort me out (a professional what exactly, my mind boggles) - but again I doubt that he's actively gone through classifieds looking for a candidate.

He has raised other things in the past that he might like to try (all very innocent) but they just didn't float my boat and there's never been any pressure from him to do them or anything else I didn't want. I don't feel pressurised - just that the world tilted a bit .

cloudsandwind If you don't like talking about sex and your likes with your partner, that's your prerogative. I guess it makes for a rather boring sex life, but each to their own.

Suggesting that it's unhealthy or abusive in a relationship to talk about fantasies, no matter whether you want to act them out or not, is bonkers.

WidowWadman, but surely you'll agree that if you're sharing your fanatasies in a way that upsets and disturbs you're partner then you're doing it wrong.

I haven't read the whole thread, just the OP and the last few posts just now. But, this really really puts me in mind of my last relationship. He shared his fantasies, I shared mine. He admitted to being into watching amateur stuff and I was a little phased but not unduly disturbed.

It's hard to put into word what bothered me then and now. But the closest I can get is that my instincts were blaring at me that this man wasn't the same as me, that the things that turned him on didn't turn me on. This knowledge made me sad, for a number of reasons.
I felt that we weren't as compatible as I had previously assumed.
I felt a little lied to and misled over what type of chap he actually was.
And I started worrying about it escalating into other things, that I'd I bit down my uneasiness and enthused about it, soon it would be something else, something I was really deeply uncomfortable with.
I also fretted that if I wasn't into all that stuff, well maybe he'd go out and find someone who would.

My advice is simple but blunt; stop lying to yourself. If you're not cool with something, don't try and persuade yourself that you are. I'm not knocking the OP's DH, he'd probably a nice enough bloke and he's certainly entitled to his private fantasies. But if you aren't keen, for goodness sake admit it, at least to yourself. Down get swept along with a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach all the while, and then awaken in horror years later wondering when you let go of your own principles and morals just to make someone else feel a little more at ease. No one is worth losing yourself for.
You'll also save the both of you a lot of time if you admit to glaring sexual incompatibilities rather than papering over the cracks and pretending everything is fine. If it isn't fine, say so. You're entitled to not be cool with any of this, you know.

Thanks for sharing that, SingOut.

If he had just shared fantasies without any idea of actually carrying them out, I wouldn't have minded him talking about it during love-making or even me painting a scenario for him if that would have turned him on.

However, the fact that he even thought about doing the stranger-in-a-hotel-room thing in real life would, I think, make it impossible for me to go along with any fantasy scenario while we were in bed together. I think I would worry that it might give him hope that we would actually do it or that I was turned on by it too. Although I hope he never would want to go through with it, it has made me very uneasy. It helps to read that I'm "entitled not to be cool with any of this" (although I 've never felt pressured by him about anything).

Gah! Wish he had never opened his mouth. Well, no, that's not actually true because if he's thinking these things I guess I would rather know about it. I just wish he wasn't thinking them.

It goes without saying, that no-one should be doing ANYTHING they are uncomfortable with.

I truly think reading this scenario that a lot of Men put a lot of pressure on their partners to participate in this kind of "Readers wives" pornography. I hope you stand your ground OP and don't give in to his suggestions.

I also hope for your sake over time they don't turn into demands.

DP often participates in Reader's Wives activity. In that I mostly read BBC History Magazine, this involves trailing around castles and museums.

I hope that by telling him how utterly repulsive you find them, it knocks his fantasies on the head, after all, how could a man still find them appealling when the woman he supposedly loves finds them so repellant?

Loving and mutually enjoyable sex should be about the person you are with, not the act itself.

Hi op

I'm afraid I'd feel really tearful too if my dh had fantasies about me with other men, it's not what you expect is it, I'd be very hurt actually. I know we all have sexual fantasies, but usually it's about ourselves with other people (mine are anyway) not our partner with other people, I don't know - sorry I'm not much help - hope everything sorts itself out.

I've often seen people on here say that sexual fantasies are private, personal things but, when they involve your partner / you would like to actually act them out, they are no longer private - for example, if I had always fantasised about covering DH in treacle and wrestling with him in a paddling pool but then he told me it was his worst nightmare, it would put me off the idea immediately, a fantasy involving your partner has to be appealing to them for it to work for you, surely?

Lol

Wow Mal. Paddling pool treacle wrestling......... the mind boggles :)

treacle wrestling....? I'd need to tie my hair up and maybe wear a shower cap, but otherwise you're on, Mal

What a misnomer "Readers" Wives is....Wankers' Wives perhaps....

OP, I wonder why he said all this in a phone call to you? I'm guessing he knows you very well actually and would have accurately predicted that you would say "no" to these requests.

So I'm wondering whether he is "setting you up to fail" here? You'll say "no" and he can convince himself that his wife is so "suburban" and not risky enough for his new tastes? As soon as I read your OP, I thought your partner could be manipulating you. I'm therefore wondering whether he has taken his porn habit a stage further and has started meeting people?

this bloke sounds like a fucking idiot

that's about it really

Hmmm...like someone here, mentioning no names of course!

go for it, mf, don't be shy

AF, dh has been thoughtless, crude and hurtful - but he's actually not a fucking idiot

he has been my best friend, a good daddy and a good husband for many years

in many ways it would be easier if he was an idiot or a hurtful or abusive because i could dismiss him and what he said

im in a bit of turmoil because i always thought of him as such a good man

sternface, god i hope not

I would say that anyone who could be crude, thoughtless and hurtful towards the wife he is supposed to love and cherish is a fucking idiot

it is certainly a fucking idiotic way to behave

wouldn't you say the same if it wasn't your DH ?

I certainly would

If you don't want to do any or all of them, say so. If you wouldn't mind any or all of them, then why not go for it..when the time is right? Surely it's that simple...?

AF, i probably would