Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

electra, you have the measure of my unease

i have never thought of dh as sleazy - and it's not even how I would describe him after last night's conversation

i seem to be the focus of all his fantasies and him giving me pleasure, it hasn't been about what he wants me to do to him so I never really thought of him objectifying me or using me as a tool. Even in real life he has always been very considerate and seems to get most turned on by turning me on. I'm not thrilled at him watching porn but he seems to be translating it into what he wants us to do and what he'd like to do to me - I think that's preferable to him getting off looking at random women and random acts in the abstract

clouds, I appreciate your comments but although I was upset, I hadn't been thinking about it in such strong terms

going to catch up on the other comments, thread has moved on a lot!

I made Electra the authority!

I think you might have a very narrow view of porn actually clouds - you are absolutely right in the majority of cases which is why I mentioned about him having a taste for couples in amateur videos, it is very different to the standard stuff. It may still not be to your taste but in some cases these films show people really enjoying themselves, which is why I think these sorts of films have their own fan base.

Men are also exploited in porn (maybe just my taste) - Clouds I do know what you are saying but really you are over laying something very sinister into something which is just not that serious. I am sure when the OP has a chance to really talk to her DH it will be ironed out - also the text he sent her shows he is not a completely insensitive idiot. Heat of the moment and all that and then a text to reassure her. He is just a human being as we all are.

He sounds like he's had a line of coke and watched a porno and got a bit carried away. I remember writing a song once while under the influence i thought it was amazing and sang it to anyone who would listen it was dire but I was on a roll. Don't take it too seriously if he is under 30 he can get away with it

There is such a low bar here for what is acceptable treatment of female partners. Doesn't matter that she was upset, bewildered and probably disgusted at what he was saying to her, at least he is "sharing" because that's "healthy".

How about he stops viewing his wife as a sex object and performer in the porn films he's got running through his brain. That's what porn does to men, teaches them to use women without any thought for their feelings or needs.

She's carrying his baby and he thought this was appropriate. What on earth is going on in his head? He's degrading her.

'porno outlook' LOL

You are the one who thinks your reality is the only acceptable one cloud which is why I pointed it out. I don't expect everyone to agree with me and never said so.

However, I am sick of seeing people's dhs demonised on MN and everyone getting hysterical and shouting misogyny and exploitation when that isn't necessarily the case. The OP needs reassurance about her relationship not people like you telling her her dh is a pervert.

I do agree that exploitation happens within the porn industry and that women are sometimes portrayed in ways that are misogynisitc but it doesn't mean that all men who are voyeurs are responsible for this problem or that they don't respect their wives.

clouds, I wouldn't say he was addicted to porn but I agree he's been watching too much of it

and perv-fantasies might be a bit strong too - i don't like them but lots of people on here seem to think they are quite common. The bit that bothers me is that he actually thought of acting them out rather than the fantasy itself

also, there were so many things that i just never expected to hear - it was the shock of it rather than the content being filthy or shocking

Yes, god forbid that a man should view his wife in a sexual way if she's pregnant(!)

Sounds like you think everybody should agree with you and you're projecting electra:

"However, I am sick of seeing people's dhs demonised on MN and everyone getting hysterical and shouting misogyny and exploitation when that isn't necessarily the case. The OP needs reassurance about her relationship not people like you telling her her dh is a pervert."

That's the statement of someone saying that there should be no disagreement (to you).

I've got a different opinion to you. You'll just have to live with that. You seem to think that your reality, the one saturated with porn and its morality, is the only acceptable one. There is another point of view that doesn't accept this view of women and treatment of them. You'll just have to live with that.

He has probably always had these feelings but sex and fantasies is so demonised in the british repressed mind that he was probably embarrassed and has used the distance between you as an opportunity to test teh waters. He could have started a bit less full on but hey ho he went for it!

OP, perhaps you will be able to talk it out with him when he gets back?

oh yes cloud, I know you've got a different opinion. I don't particularly care. I just hope the OP does not start to feel her dh doesn't respect her when I don't see evidence of that personally.

Your posts are begining to sound a bit personal, tbh - how do you know my reality is 'saturated with porn'?

I agree with Electra that men do get demonised a bit on here for watching porn. So is it ok for me to because I am a woman? Does it mean I am objectifying my husband if I have sexual (and really quite non-loving) fantasies about him?

Clouds - I don't think you are reading the OP's posts? You are making statements based on your own beliefs. I don't interprate OP's words as her feeling objectified but then I'll let the lovely lady speak for herself.

If a person (not just men btw) is isolated from his partner and has no outlet for their desire then I personally I would prefer them to view amateur porn and talk to me about what they were thinking than see "an alternative" outlet. I'd be clear about expectations and real life, but fantasy between a couple is ok if both comfortable.

My previous experience in this broke a relationship up as I thought that my then bf wanted actually do his fantasies - some I wasn't happy with. In fact, he didn't he just wantde to pretend. He was still a wanker lol but that is another story.

Do you not mind being seen as an object like that then bewildered. What is striking is that his fantasy has nothing to do with your pleasure, it's all about a fantasy of you that he has, that has nothing to do with your enjoyment. It's all about him, and what he's been enjoying watching in porn. So therefore he imagines or rather has decided that you'll enjoy it too.

She's described objectification PamSco. Wanting to put a woman in porn is by definition objectifying her. He's imagining what he'd do to her body, how he'd like to see it treated. That's treating her as an object.

It is like the Ghost of Dittany !

So is all sex objectification then?

In your interpretation, clouds. We can't speak for the OP's OH can we? OP has said he is regularly focused on her pleasure in real life so why wouldn't his fantasies?

clouds, i never really thought of him objectifying me. His fantasies were all about giving me pleasure (in his slightly warped way) and wanting to see me enjoying myself. I would feel more of a "tool" to him had he been talking about himself with another woman, ejaculating in my face, forced sex, bondage etc

and just wanted to add, he's never been a fan of industry porn. He could never get past the fact that the women in it were probably being exploited, miserable in real life and not enjoying the process at all. I think there is a distinction in the amateur stuff he's been looking at - though I will try to find out exactly what he's been viewing

I thought a lot of his fantasies were focused on her pleasure. In rereading some of it, I wonder if he has some submissive sexual fantasy going on as he is keen to try power exchange? (also having another man pleasure your woman can be part of this) Perhaps he is trying a sideways swipe at trying to raise a subject with his wife?

I think you're the one projecting, cloud - your posts imply you feel there is no room for disagreement when I have specifically SAID that I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

Because they don't focus on her pleasure, Pam. He didn't even bother finding out what she'd like. Instead what he told her upset her. It wasn't that she thought it sounded nice and she'd like to try it. She said he described fantasies of the kind an adolescent boy would have about sex, not a man talking to his wife. So how does that have anything to do with her pleasure?

It feels like there's a bit of a disconnect going on here. The OP said what he told her upset her, you said that your relationship broke up because of a boyfriend's fantasies, yet somehow the fantasies aren't the problem. I'm finding that a difficult argument to follow.

and clouds, I don't think he intended too upset me and would be horrified if he knew I was actually tearful over it all

i think it would be wrong and very aggressive if i said "well, let's get some guy to shag you and we'll post it on youtube"

he has made me feel bad but i wouldn't intentionally want to make him feel bad in return