Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

I will never understand why people make excuses for behaviour like this

it is disrespectful

have people forgotten how to respect each other ?

does the mighty porn trump a loving, respectful relationship with the woman who is pg with your child ?

that is fucking sad to contemplate, tbh

if you would condemn it in another man, OP, then condemn it in your husband

he isn't some higher being that deserves excuses to be made for him

judge him in the same way you would judge others

don't set your bar lower, to let you sleep at night

that way madness lies

have the courage of your own boundaries...if he's crossed them, fucking tell him so

He is a higher being, he's her dh and she loves him, he's not some random bloke who means nothing to her. And maybe it was all just talk, he's working away and desperately lonely - people talk nonsense sometimes.

no, no, no

it's a bad idea to attach "higher being" status to your life partner

it means they are excused all sorts of shit

not in my world

I really don't get why asking your partner if s/he would like to do some of the things you fantazise about is so disrespectful and disgusting? Unless you are one of these people who think that 'proper' sex is the sort that only married people do, in the dark, preferably without removing their pyjamas and only in order to start a pregnancy. The OP says her H is a good father, a good husband, she doesn't mention any abusive behaviour, she doesn't even say that he is lazy WRT his share of the domestic work and childcare. He would just like to have more sex and more adventurous sex and he has tried to start a discussion about the possibility of doing this.

It does sound as though sex is a lot less important to the OP than to her H. This does not make her his moral superior. THere is nothing wrong with wanting to have lots of sex, adventurous sex, sex outdoors (scream, shriek, call the police!) or indeed sex with more than one person at a time. Some people like these things.

Bewildered, while you do not have to engage in any kind of sexual practice that you don't like, if your marital sex life is a matter of 'Pull my nightie down when you've finished, dear,' then your marriage is in trouble and the two of you need to work together on fixing the problem.

the OP's marriage is also in trouble if her DH starts pressurising her to do things she clearly isn't comfortable with

most of what he said isn't that "out there" apart from introducing someone else into their sex life

for most marriages, unless that was already in the ballpark (as it were), it would be an almighty shock and OP should not listen to anyone who tries to normalise it

if it isn't normal for her relationship, I would be questioning why he feels it appropriate to moot it over the phone when she isn't able to properly respond

3 words required

'Dream on ,Sunshine'

yup

another three

"fuck you, baby"

Any marriage where one partner is dissatisfied with the sex aspect is a marriage in trouble. It may be that the partner who wants more sex or better sex is, in fact, lazy, selfish, entitled or abusive - so the marriage is in trouble anyway. It may be that the partner who does not want to have much sex or any at all is sexually dysfunctional, controlling and selfish - and the marriage is in trouble anyway. It may be that the partners are basically incompatible when it comes to their sexual preferences. in which case the marriage is in trouble anyway.

well, quite, sgb

it's him

it's her

it's both of 'em

it's neither of 'em

whatever

OP is still entitled to be about his verbal diarrhoea though

He started talking about his fantasies - how does that immediately translate into pressurising her? Of course she's free to say "na, don't fancy that, sorry love" and she should do if she indeed doesn't fancy it, but that doesn't make it wrong of him to have mentioned it in the first place.

that is true, WW

but why is OP virtually asking us for permission to tell him to stick his fantases up his arse ?

that is the question here

Wanting to have sex outdoors and wanting to have a room dedicated to sexual fun are not horrible, far-out, unimaginably wierd fantasies. They are just indications that he would like to have more and better sex. This is not a crime. And wanting to include other people in one's sex life is not inherently depraved and wicked either: lots of perfectly nice ordinary people like threesomes and swinging.
And (again) the man has not ordered the OP to fulfill his fantasies. He hasn't said he will leave her or cheat on her if she doesn't obey him. He has just said that there are some things he would like to do - there's nothing wrong with discussing sex with your partner.

WW, if you read all OP's posts on this thread, you will see he has "mentioned" activities before that haven't sat well with OP

when does repeated mentioning become pressurising ?

it's a fine line

Op says she doesn't feel pressured

so why the thread to ask for support ?

Mention them a bit, test the water...suggest role play perhaps

but he's got the whole thing planned out.. he didn't give OP a chance to have an opinon, he launched into how it would happen... big dfference!

Titish behaviour

Haven't commented until now but have read the whole thread.

I can't see what's wrong with spouses discussing their fantasies - even if they're a little bit out there. But there is a context for the appropriateness of those kind of conversations and on the phone to your pregnant wife when you've been caught mid-wank isn't it.

Still, so far so harmless. If a bit inelegant of him.

BUT, I cannot understand how on earth he thought it was a good idea to tell OP that wanted to act on the 'other man' fantasy and make it a reality. That's the worrying part in all of this. That he didn't realise it was a Very Bad Idea.

It speaks of a selfishness and insensitivity that can't be excused away by a 'heat of the moment' argument.

If my DP and I were getting a bit heavy with the pillow talk and he told me the idea of seeing me pleasured by another man turned him on, I think I would be ok with that and we could explore that fantasy together, just the two of us.

But if he then said, 'Oh cool, well there's a number in the Yellow Pages we can call to get a bloke round. Whaddaya reckon?', his balls would be in a vice faster than he could say 'well-endowed man'.

Without reading all 8 pages, my response would be that if this was the very first time he's come up with all these ideas, maybe he is just fantasizing and might even be a little embarassed to have said all that afterwards. It's important to be open and talk to him when you see him in person, and tell him how you feel, and that you are confused about all this. He is far away and missing you. I'm not an expert , just offering another opinion with these... just keep communication lines open, and see what it's like when he's back. ..good luck.

SolidGoldBrass the sneering tone of your posts is quite breathtaking. For some reason you've decided the OP doesn't like sex very much, yet there is absolutely no evidence in any of her posts to suggest that. All we know is that she's coping alone with 2 kids who've only just started sleeping through the night, is pregnant and has heard her husband's fantasies (that involve infidelity) for the first time over the phone. This is a vastly different scenario than a couple sitting down face-to-face, discussing their sex life and mutual fantasies.

Anyfucker - I don't know, but that doesn't mean that he is neccessarily pressurising her.

There's an awful lot of postings here telling her that her husband is an abusive evil monster who doesn't care about her feelings or pleasure, all deducted from the fact that he has some fantasies, and trusted his wife enough to share them with her.

The main problem, from reading her postings is, that she doesn't know what to think, whether she's right to feel how she feels, and how to communicate her feelings.

In return she gets a lot of people telling her how she ought to feel, and also insinuating a lot of things about her husband based on their own presumptions.

The right answer, IMHO, is that there's no right or wrong. It's perfectly ok to have these fantasies, they're not that out there or unusual, but it's also perfectly ok to not want to indulge in them.

If she feels threatened by these fantasies she needs to address this and talk to him about it. Having mumsnetters telling her she needs to tell him he's a perv and both quietly stewing over it certainly doesn't help either party and probably just ends up building barriers. It's ok to tell your partner that you're offended by something he said and why, but I believe it's also important that he can give his side, maybe reassure her about her fears, rather than never talk about it again.

In the OP she says "he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset." which to me reads as if he indeed cares about her feelings, and also probably feels like a right tool for talking to her about this over the phone.