Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

he should be back in 5 weeks - and that just reminded me of something else he said. He would love us to go away for a weekend and act out a series of sexual positions he has seen online, working our way through them all. I normally fall asleep after we have made love once but he was saying how we could take a break for a shower, go to the kitchen for a snack but then go back to love-making.

Nothing unsettling about that really, I guess he just wants more sex and for longer periods.

But I'll be 8 months pregnant when he gets back - would much rather he had said, I'd love to leave kids with in-laws and take you away overnight, we'll have a lovely dinner, we can walk holding hands and snuggle down together. Admittedly I'm not sounding like a hot little minx and I can understand why he wants to spice things up butit's just not the time

thanks electra and everyone else - this really has helped

H here says "
I think he's having a nervous breakdown "

Are you sure he's ok?

Does he really think you want to fuck a stranger with a big knob whilst you are PG? Has he thought about this from your perspective at all? He sounds selfish and deluded.

We are also intrigued as to how you explain a sex room to an estate agent.

poncy, he said we could get get a banana - and he did mean as a snack rather than a tool! He always panics about food and what he's going to eat and I did chuckle inwardly at how he even managed to incorporate snacks into his fantasies

he left 4 weeks ago. I wasn't showing so much then, I was about 6 months - but when he sees me next month in my "thar she blows, Captain Ahab" glory it will no doubt be a sharp reality check!

I agree with a lot of what Grumpla said. I think it's definitely not uncommon for men to have fantasies like this, but it's another thing to actually make plans to act them all out and verbalise them on the phone one after the other to your completely unsuspecting pregnant wife!

I'd have the same reaction as you, I'm sure. There's just no way I would want to do any of those things (except c, but that's a different story ;-) ). But I definitely think that for a lot of people, the whole idea of "controlled" sexual infidelity is a turn-on.

I think you should have a good long talk about it all next time you're together. He may think that your initial reaction was just a knee-jerk one where you were conforming to social norms, and try to "enlighten" you as to why all these fantasies are nothing to be afraid of or feel bad about. So if you are definitely dead-set against them, I'd be prepared to be very clear about why doing it wouldn't feel sexy for you or make you feel good about yourself.

At the end of the day, if you just say to him "I don't want to do this" then it goes without saying that should be the end of the matter and he'd be an idiot for not accepting that. But talking it all through properly might clear the air more and help you both come to more of a mutual understanding, or find some other possibilities to keep you both satisfied.

Sue, he seems himself in other respects - we've had some rocky times but we've been talking more lately about how we went off track and how we both want to make things better and the sort of life we want to lead

he certainly doesn't seem to be having any sort of breakdown, just a bit depressed at being away and work and family (his side) stresses

Was he a bit pissed whne he phoned you and had JUST been watching porno stuff?

Can he not join the TA s ;)

Or do marathon training. Or something hearty and less sordid ? ;)

cyb, no hadn't been drinking at all but I think he might have been watching porn, he plunged right in to this conversation and seemed both sheepish and breathless from the off

riverboat, glad you and others think the actual fantasy isn't uncommon (though not appropriate for pregnant wife!) - this was the one that was upsetting me the most

Sue, he's just started going to the gym every night - seems to have worked him up rather than rid him of excess energy...

Lol. You poor woman. As he was going ON AND ON. You should have said " sorry- x factor".
Daft man.

He wasn't....cracking one off while he talked to you was he? Is phone sex one of his fantasies too?

I think its the shock of finding out that your husband, who you think you know, suddently rocks the boat and shows you another side of them selves and then you have to adjust to this new person being your husband.

Maybe the sex with another man suggestion is because he is doubting his ability to please you fully given that you have understandly gone off sex a bit in recent times.

He sounds like a man who is spending far too much time alone and watching porn.

Wait until he comes back and discuss how uncomfortable some of his ideas made you. Also explain that you are on your own with two kids plus pregnant and hormonal and that you were so exhausted just wanted a bit of a tlc chat, not phone sex.

Thank him for having the courage to be honest with you and maybe you can discuss spicing things up a little bit or divulge some of your fantasies to him.

With regard to being p'd off with him and not wanting to have sex, that is normal if it is a big p'd off. If it is a little one I would let it go and make love to reconnect, sometimes the best sex is making up sex.

it sounds as if he got carried away, tbh

He doesn't sound like a dick from what you've said. I'd have an honest, calm chat when he gets back and explain what you have said here.

He sounds as if he just got a bit too hot under the collar....

and FWIW I agree with you absolutely about all the public stuff (posting yourself on the internet !) and the other man stuff, and I am definitely not a prude. Its yucky.

That's exactly what I was going to say Cyb.

pmsl at this thread
am crying with laughter
yy he is having sexua/nervousl breakdown

sorry just read that he's away on his own for several weeks. My X was in the Army and I used to get a lot of this when he was on tour. He's just missing you...

Couldn't you just keep it quite light hearted and say 'you dirty bugger!'

SGB Cheap shot about OP being icky about sex. She had a call from her DH who unearthed a huge set of fantasies that he has created for his wife on his own via porn.

If they had discovered or moved into these together it would be a different story, or if he gently broached one or two things......but the rest is bizarre.

also loving the suggestion thatyou thank him for his honesty...am picturing youin ppinny in kitchen heavily preggers on phone to salivating hisband

.."yes dear thanks for your honesty...err goodbye"

I think it is nice that even after 2 babies and a 3rd on the way your husband sees you as sexy and wants to do naughty things. He is clearly missing the you in lover mode rather than mummy mode.

Apart from the third parties and posting onto a website I don't think he has suggested anything way out there. Obviously some people get their kicks this way or it wouldn't be out there for him to find.

Him looking into you and another in a hotel is a fantasy despite looking into a room he hasn't considered the logistics of you being pregnant, who would have the other kids and the other guys reaction to a woman sitting in bed waiting for him in grey pjs, with a cup of horlicks and a book I am wondering with the references to a man giving you wild sex if he feels he isn't satisfying you?

He left 4 weeks ago and is back in 5? That is a long time for both of you . My way of thinking is that turning to amateur porn is a lot better than him going out and looking for a prostitute or turning to OW.

I think once a couple have children their perception of a weekend away changes. For her it is OMG bliss, a nice meal I haven't cooked/washed up/scraped off the kids and floor, a nice hand in hand walk, early night, read a book, snuggle up, peace and quite her way of reconnection with him. Where as his is woo hooo no kiddies at it like rabbits so much we don't see daylight or get dressed, his way of reconnecting with her. Nothing wrong with either you just need to talk about each others expectations before it happens so you are not both left upset and frustrated.

He has been very open in talking to you about this. He has clearly been thinking about you even if in slightly unusual thoughts and has been missing you. Think about what he has said and then be as open and honest in your replies. That you would never sleep with another or get off at a night club with others as you made vows to the man you love and still hold them deep and true in your heart.

That you would be really uncomfortable with any videos of your body being available for all and sundry to watch. Would you be happy for him to have one like he suggested of you to take away with him so he can watch that while away for a long time? Would he respect you and keep it private?

That you will maybe consider a sex room in 20/25 years when the last one (if this is your last) has left home