Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

ooh i agree bewildered - come shots in faces, the final insult. I think you do sound really realistic about this - seems like you will be able to talk about it when he gets home and sort things out. I think as much a case of bad timing as anything else

I don't expect everybody to agree with me either. You're imagining things electra.

OP might it be time to step away from the thread now?

you seem to have a really good relationship with your husband and I'm sure a bunch of internet strangers shouting "abuse" and "sleazy" about your DH is not what you want or need to hear at all....

thanks, I think I will go and have a nice cup of tea and put on Radio 4 where hopefully people will be talking about innocuous things like slugs on their lettuces and what to plant in their hedgegrows

bewildered - although he says he likes the idea of you with someone else I don't necessarily think he would want to go through with it when it came to the crunch. At the moment he's not with you so you wouldn't be able to plan it yet anyway. But I guess you can establish that with him when he comes back. Fantasies that involve other people can become complicated because the other person won't just go back into a box at the end of it iyswim - perhaps you could try suggesting that to him and he might be less eager to act it out.

"I don't think he intended to upset me and would be horrified if he knew I was actually tearful over it all"
But that in itself is quite worrying - does he not know you well enough to realise how you would react? Was he so carried away that he just didn;t stop to think or did he not actually care?

You do need a serious discussion about this, once he knows that it's not only a huge turn off for you but it's actually insulting and upsetting, his fantasy should lose it's whole appeal if it's truly him thinking (mistakenly) about your pleasure.

It's weird that it turns out that having an opinion about the actions and attitudes of a man who wants to make porn out of his wife and have strangers have sex with her, is worse than wanting to make porn out of your wife and have strangers have sex with her.

bewildered, pretty much everything he has suggested is a common trope on porn and sex sites. That suggests to me that he is spending a lot of time on these sites while he is away from you and that is what is fuelling his fanatsies.

One of the problems with porn is that it tends to promote a view of sex that has nothing to do about mutual love or respect and is instead all about individual gratification. And in the case of your H it sounds like its is primarily about his own gratification, given that it doesn't sound like he's stopped to consider whether you'd actually want to have sex with another man, or even whether you might be upset to have him suggest these ideas in such a blunt and tactless way.

Really you need to have a frank discussion with him about how this has made you feel. He needs a little wake up call from this porn fantasy world he has created for himself.

Just been discussing this thread with my OH, and he said something I can't find fault with (as a biologist). I may not entirely agree with the societal impact though...

"You have to realise that as a man his only reason for existence is to impregnante as many healthy looking women as possible while he still can. So no surprise that men tend to be obsessed with women's bodies".

I guess as a monogomist I could be upset with the above but I'm not, it is simple biology - ignoring the theories around pair bonding, I'll discuss this with him laters :)

What's that got to do with porn though, and having another man penetrate your wife. Surely if a man's natural inclination is to impregnate women, then he wouldn't be offering his wife up to another man.

I agree with Pinky and Electra, and I think that Bewildered was more taken aback than anything, especially given the disconnect between how she feels - heavily pregnant and in mother-mode - and how her husband is casting her in his away-from-home fantasies. They do need to have a conversation about it when he gets back - and the OP is clearly never going to get a hotel room with a random stranger, pregnant or not - but I don't see anything sinister here. He sounds basically nice, if a bit sex-starved from being stuck solo in hotel rooms with the internet, and it's also significant, surely, that the OP says he's focused on her sexual pleasure, not his own, in their sex life, and that he still finds his wife sexually desirable.

Also agree with The Flying Onion that Bewildered and her husband sound as if they have a strong and generally happy relationship, and that it's counter-productive to have posters accusing him of being 'sleazy'. If anything, I think he sounds slightly anxious about whether he is still able to please her sexually, and is trying, slightly wildly, to spice things up from afar. I can see why she was shocked, but this doesn't sound like a bad man, or a weak relationship.

Sorry how is this about bewildered's pleasure?

How is getting her to wank on camera for other men to look at in any way about bewilderd's pleasure? It's entirely about her H getting off at the thought of other men wanking over images of her.

How is getting a big dicked stranger to shag bewilderd abut her pleasure, when she wouldn't enjoy it and presumably has never given her H any inkling she would? It's entirely about her H getting off at the thought of another man sleeping with her.

Seem some really odd reasoning on here to presume that bewildered's H is thinking about her pleasure. Presumably if he was he would start by asking her what would actually give her pleasure, rather than giving her list of all the thing that get him off.

It is sleazy to want to make porn out of your wife though and to imagine her with a big knobbed stranger, whilst you wank about it downstairs in the hotel lobby. It just is. How can it not be?

Quite a lot of those women on YouPorn will be women like Bewildered who would never have thought in a million years about exposing themselves like that, but then their husband asks and they go along with it because it's "healthy" to have fantasies or somesuch nonsense. It's not about women's pleasure, it's about men providing wank material for other men and wanking about it themselves in the process.

Readers' Wives was always sleazy. It never stopped being sleazy just because it's done on video now. Wanting to use the mother of your children like that is definitely sleazy.

He's trying to recreate the thrill he gets from porn in his everyday sex life. Surely that much is obvious to everyone, at least?

I don't think he sounds sleazy or like he is objectifying you, bewildered, although I can quite see why you are so taken aback and bemused by what happened last night.

I thought this from Very was insightful:

"There's nowt on there that's really 'out there', but it's a list of things he wants to do or see done to you. There's no communication, sharing or exploration."

"You have to realise that as a man his only reason for existence is to impregnante as many healthy looking women as possible while he still can.

Nice excuse for rapists there

When did it did become ok to reduce civilisation down to base instincts with no thought to consequence or emotions?

And the op's dh isn' trying to impregnate women so this theory holds no water in regard to this situation.

I don't buy the biology impregnation argument personally - it's way too simplistic. Hopefully we've moved on a bit in civilisation for us to have more reasons for enjoyable sex lives. Anyway the OP's dh doesn't want to have sex with other women.

Plus, as pinky said earlier - women enjoy watching porn and having fantasies too - so how does that fit with the biology argument? It's certainly true that women feel less comfortable about admitting this if they do because society has conditioned this.

"He's trying to recreate the thrill he gets from porn in his everyday sex life."

I absolutely agree NotDavid that's what porn can do - false expectation, pushes extreme desire and can become a third person in a relationship if not managed.

What I'm not so sure of is a bit of a moot point. To say that the man in question is not considering his wife's pleasure is theoretical. He may very well believe he is - since that is his predeliction in real life. Yet can anyone really consider another's true pleasure if they can't feel it for themselves. I believe they can't, they can only work on cues (won't go into text book sex manual mode). But motivation is very personal.

You either consider this thread in generic terms or in personal terms.

Wanting to put the OP in her own little video may come from:
... his thinking she may like that attention
... he wants to brag to the world how gorgeous and sensual his wife is (isn't he great bagging a hotty)
... he may feel he doesn't deserve her so wants others to give her pleasure
... he wants to be a badass pimp

... and a million other motivations.

As others have said OP and her obviously sexstarved man need to talk - objectively.

I did prelim my quote from my OH and the societal impact of such a simple view...

But there is always a struggle between society and base instincts - that's why rape still exists sadly. Anywho that is a tangent to the OP's thread. The comment was in relation to porn and objectification in general not the particular fantasy.

He's pretty insensitive for a man who has known her for ten years. Do men really believe that a woman's deepest desire is to be fucked by a big penised stranger whilst her husband waits downstairs, or to appear in amateur porn. Is that a reasonable belief? Is it reasonable to give him a pass for being this unaware and insensitive?

What sort of a relationship is it where the husband is that unaware of his wife's feelings and desires (best case scenario), or more worryingly doesn't care about them at all when it comes to pursuit of his own porno fantasies (worst case).

I think rape is a different issue - I've always thought of it as violent rather than sexual / as a result of sexual frustration. I suppose violence does come from base instincts though so I see what you mean Pam.

Some people don't talk about their fantasies that often. To me it seems normal that this sort of conversation is more likely to come out when one person is missing sex with their partner. I don't think there is any suggestion that this man doesn't care about his wife's feelings.

Nobody is addressing those points Clouds, I made them a while ago - in a long time relationship you should both know each others desires and fantasies, it seems like he has seriously misjudged her, he may well have a cuckolding fetish but why is this the first she's heard of it?

I can't imagine why he thought it was a good idea to tell his heavily pregnant wife that he wanted her to be fucked every which way " for her pleasure" it's very poor judgement on his part, that's for sure.

I don't think his fantasies are weird or sleazy. People have all sorts of things going on in their head that they wouldn't want to do in reality.
I've also been that person working away, and your imagination can go a bit stir crazy with what filth you'd like to do with your partner "once you get home". Especially if you have been relying on wanking yourself silly of an evening rather than cheat.
It sounds like a case of that, to me. Slightly crossed wires about desires - he wants a sex room, she wants a soundproof sleep room (what with two children and another on the way, who could blame her).