Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

I think you were very measured and clear in your answer. Well done!

Hope it has brought the right answers to you though...

I hope he was suitably horrified at upsetting you and has realised what an utterly selfish and incondsiderate twit he's been.

sorry, my youngest just did a poo that would befit a horse and decided it would be a marvellous idea to smear himself and the sofa throw liberally with it - just down from the bath

thanks AF - I felt much better after posting and it really helped to make clear in my mind what is and isn't acceptable for me

dh called me straight back and apologised profusely for upsetting me. He said as he had been talking his brain had been telling him to shut up but his mouth (for which I read dick) had run away with him.

He said what he said about making love to my 7-month pregant body had sounded awful (and indeed creepy) when he read it back like that. He said he wanted all the tenderness I did but he was feeling horny and the sex stuff all came out first but that certainly wasn't all he was thinking about. He said he wanted to take me to dinner, rub my feet (in a non-fetish way, you understand!), talk to me - and then ravish me if I was up for it.

As for the other guy stuff, he was so sorry I was upset and said of course we wouldn't be pursuing it, it was just a fantasy. I asked him if he would have taken it further if I had been up for it. He said if I had been interested we might have talked about it and looked into but it wasn't like he was going to be straight on the phone looking for well-endowed wife-servicers and when push came to shove, even if we were both delighted by the idea, in practice it was unlikely we would have ever carried it out. He said if flying alien dicks existed he would probably be thinking about me getting pleasure from one of those too.

I still feel a bit weird that doing it in real life would ever be a possibility for him. Though I have been giggling thinking about exactly what he would have been doing in the hotel lobby as someone said above. Not very sexy at all.

As for the video stuff, he said he knew I didn't even like getting my photograph taken and never in a million years would he expect me to be up for posting anything online. He said there's lots of stuff he would love us to do (just the two of us) but posting things online wasn't even part of it - he just enjoyed thinking about it. Even sex outdoors, he said we hadn't really liked it when we did it in the sea and on a coach (ahem) years ago

He said he was frustrated and missing me and the torrent of sex ideas which came out of him was just a sympton of that but he undertood how crass it had sounded.

He said he had been watching porn but not as much as I thought and he would reduce it for the reasons i said. He also said he never watched anything of the ilk which made me uncomfortable. I hope this is true - it certainly sounded true.

He made all sorts of declarations of love and sounded much more like my dh.

I told him I missed him and his body too and i should tell him that more often.

that's most of it - poo boy is hounding me, just have to go see to him

can't thank you all enough for being so generous with your time and posting all your comments

Personally, I think he is the one required to do a bit of making-up here

A "reward" for upsetting his wife ? I don't think so.

of course they are, kerry

in which case, OP needs to ring her husband and scare the bejeezus out of him

except she wouldn't do that

hence, he deserves no "reward" for doing it to her

bewildered your email is great, and his response seems sincere I hope you get to see each other soon and lots of smoochy romance to get past this.

This whole thread has started a bit more chat between OH and I. I'm coming up for 7.5 mths preggers too so sex isn't the top of the agenda but talking has helped us. So thanks.

Glad it's all resolved :)

I hope you do get it all sorted out, OP. And I really hope that the end result isn't that your H feels he can never mention any of his sexual fantasies again and that all his (really fairly common) desires are filthy and disgusting and that he should be ashamed of them, because you are Wife and Mother and therefore everything's got to be sacred.

Haven't read the whole thread but I think some of those who have replied on here need to remember that the OP says she "pressed" him to expand on what his fantasies were. He didn't in fact suddenly launch into them completely unbidden.

I think that whether or not you decide his fantasies float your boat, him being so open can only be a good thing. Not great timing, I grant you, but at least he's sharing.

Oh, and what SGB said ^

op, your brilliant :) you've handled this well and your dh sounded sincere in his apology.

at the end of the day, you love one another dearly, so have lots of cuddles when he gets home and do whatever makes you happy

(loves a happy ending)

Yay for a happy ending - got to love it when a plan comes together