Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

Our phone calls are like this
" how's work"
" him fine meetings bla bla"
" have you paid your mum for xyz"
"yes- how are the kids"
"fine and the dishwashers broken "
"ok will text when I land"
"night"

NO FECKING SEX ROOMS!!

Lol at g girl.
We are obviously normal very "vanilla"

I hate that term.

also get him to buy you sone nice jewelkery

Men sometimes have fantasies such as 'lets sell up, move to tanzania and open a diamond mine'

And we pat them on the head and say 'yes there there dear, of course we will'

You should do the same with these fantasies which have about as much chance of happening for you, and just because they are sexual doesnt mean you should give them any more credance

ggirl - how do you sort problems out if you dont talk about them or if you do not know that they are there?

Honesty and openness are the building blocks of any healthy relationship.

How would you feel being in a relationship where you could not open up or talk to the other person about whats going on in your head?

Mine is to get away from me more. ;)
Nit watch me swinging from rafters in a gimp mask

The army X's calls were more:

me "oh hi, how is everything?"
him "good thanks, I miss you"
me "I miss you too"
him "I want to xyz to you"
me (sitting down) "oh right, ok"
him "then I'm going to abc you too"
me "righty-oh"
him "dirty sex talk blah blah blah"
me "lovely. speak to you next week then"
him "byeee"

yy use this for nice gifts
a diamond atleast

weird fantasy said out loud= great present

Sometimes things need to STAY IN YOUR HEAD

Yep, totally agree with other posters, your DH seems to be in his own little porn world with no actual concept if how things are for you in reality at the moment, with two DCs and another on the way!
Keep things as normal as possible on the telephone in the meantime (lots of chat about the DCs toilet habits should do the trick ) and talk about it when he gets home in five weeks. By then the reality of you as a heavily pregnant wife, and the routine and drudgery of caring for two DC should be enough to convince him that his fantasies really need to go on the back burner for a while!
I think he has just got carried away with what could happen, without actually thinking it through-nothing 'off' or sordid about this, he just needs a reality check!
Hope this helps, you are growing a person and need to think about you and the DCs just now!!

And lol at snack.
If I said eveyrhi g in
My head I'd be serving a custodial sentence by now.

im sniggering now too, ggirl! In the cold light of day, his talk of snacks, ropes from the ceiling etc seems quite funny too

The PosieParker, I was a little surprised at SGB wondering if I was icky about sex in general but it's a fair enough comment to ask I guess. And I'M very grateful for all the advice and unexpected laughs I've received

cyb, I think he might have been.. cracking one off as you say. He sounded a bit hot and bothered describing it all but I didn't want to enquire as to what he was doing, I was more just prodding for info. I haven't been averse to the odd phone-sex conversation in the past but this definitely wasn't one of them

aah shit so funny 'but I didn't want to enquire as to what he was doing'

I can just imagine:

"are you TOUCHING YOURSELF? NOW?"
"well ok but you've got 3 minutes max cos the dog's standing here looking at me and he needs feeding..."

I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP, but you laydeez are being vair amusing...

I think he might worry that he doesn't satisfy me enough too - after two bouncing babies I do feel a bit, ahem, bigger down below and he has asked on a couple of occasions if i feel he is big enough for me (sorry if tmi but given what I've already shared too late for false modesty)

for our anniversary last week, I received three cards, beautiful flowers - and also a box with "orgasmic love balls" which you are meant to insert inside you and some strange little u-shaped gspot/clitoral stimulator which is meant to be worn while you make love with your partner

for some reason I thought he had had sent me something from the Disney store (he has in the past) so I was shocked but sniggered when I opened it and we had a jokey conversation in which I laughingly asked him when exactly he thought I would use these things as I waddle around looking after our kids. I said we could try them out together when he got home and we left it at that, it was all pleasant and upbeat - but it must be onhis mind about satisfying me enough (he does already, maybe I should make that clearer)

Flying Onion, in the past he has indeed asked "where is your hand?" to which I've often replied "holding my frigging cup of tea"

If only the poor man knew he was a laughing stock on MN now

He'll probably come across this site as he's googling to find a swing to hang from the ceiling when he gets home

Yes it sounds as though he is worrying a bit about you being satisfied, but could a reassuring conversation go some way to fix that?

Maybe you could meet him halfway a bit with the sex toys and agree to try some of the less scary stuff like the balls or maybe a vibe. I can see how this might be the last thing on your mind when pg, but could you have a go once so at least he's got some mental pictures for the (sorry) wank bank?

Sending you sex toys while he's away is likely to be another outlet for his sexual frustration.

On the bright side, if he's this pent-up you can be pretty sure he's not getting any with anyone else...

lol at your last post, OP

Flying the OP is perfectly within her rights to not indulge any one of these fantasies. Why should she meet him half way? He's just going to have to tie a knot in it until she's ready

of course she doesn't have to indulge in his fantasies! I didn't suggest she went out (bump and all) and dragged a random stranger back to a hotel room.

But, if she wants to go some way to reassuring her husband that he satisifies her then there are small things they can do together which might "keep him going". I don't think asking him to tie a knot in it is very helpful tbh.

This is extremely nasty what he's done to you, treating you like a sex toy for masturbation purposes, either in his fantasies or in reality.

The most obvious thing to do is to say to him that you've thought about his fantasies and you'd like to go ahead with the one with the man with the big cock, but it would turn you on a lot for him to be serviced by him after you. You don't need to be in the room, you'll just know he's getting a good seeing to. See how he feels about being used as a fuck object for someone else's enjoyment.

I don't see why you should pander to any of this. He has been enormously disrespectful and callous, and in fact sexually abusive. You've just had the equivalent of a dirty phone call. It wasn't consensual and you were upset and disturbed by it all. Dont' accept it instead tell him to fuck off on this one. Just because he's a man and your husband doesn't mean you have to put up with shit like this or try and find ways to tolerate it. It is not women's job to be men's sex toys.

He's been watching far too much porn and it is encouraging a warped, sexist attitude towards you. That's the real issue here, not how you can keep him satisfied in bed and pander to his pervy fantasies.

Well said cloud

sexually abusive

how ridiculous!!

Next time my DP tells me how much he fancies me and wants to have sex with me, I'll be sure to let him know that I'm not a sex object, and he's abusing me

flowers and orgasmic love balls for your anniversary...what no chocolates?!