Upset by dh's fantasies

[bewilderedandbefuddled]

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

This isn't about you TFO.

oh isn't it?

ok

It's about the OP and what happened to her and how she feels about it. Don't get in a huff or outraged.

I think he's sleazy.
That's all

He has been incredibly selfish, has obviously been watching a lot of porn and has got very carried away with his imaginings, without giving a moments thought to how his pregnant wife will feel about it all, if he knows her at all he will know whether this kind of thing is a turn on for her or not.
Fantasies are one thing, this has crept over the line and turned a bit insistent , he needs to know how much he has upset you.

OP, I'm not into all that 'nilla stuff, plus my libido goes through the roof when I'm pregnant, but if my DH had presented me with a set of love balls for my anniversary gift then I would be considering divorce.

I suspect he's been frolicking freely through the fields of Fetlife, IC etc...the 'kink shopping list' is giving me the squicks. There's nowt on there that's really 'out there', but it's a list of things he wants to do or see done to you. There's no communication, sharing or exploration.

And knock the TPE thing (scenario c) on the head. IMO and IME Power Exchange is just a cover for control and abuse. Either that or it's used by complete inadequates to hide their lack of experience and sexual confidence.

I agree with Xales and think it is nice he still thinks of you as his lover. I think this seems so inappropriate because you have become a lot more pregnant whilst he has been away but I do think it is rather nice that you are the focus of his sexual fantasies. The stuff he talks about is just standard stuff, there is nothing deeply deviant about it (and certainly not sexually abusive ffs) - the well endowed man i think is about his insecurity about himself and about how arousing it is to see you being pleasured... agreed it is a bit daft given the bump and all but not at all harmful.

Seems to me like he was trying to get you to indulge him in a dirty phone call and maybe got a bit carried away and all that. I think the sex room is also about making private space for you and him and pleasure (something in short supply with bumps and toddlers) - I would email him back with a lovely fantasy you would like to share with him...

I do think the fact he shared in the first place says that fundamentally your relationship is very good and strong and although if you are really not into something you should say i would also tread carefully (they are fragile and no point crushing someone's ego). It al also pertinent in my mind that his taste in amateur porn - it is a different beast to mainstream manufactured porn.

He must be feeling very lonely, my DH would hate to be away from us for that long - he is going away for only 5 days next week and he is dreading it!

He's not thinking of her as his lover, he's thinking of her as another tool in his masturbation arsenal.

Where's the love in what the OP described there?

But then again, if we think that these kind of fantasies about women are fine, then there won't be any problem in her emailing him back about wanting to see him spit-roasted by two rugby players then post the video of the encounter on YouPorn. It's all just a lovely sexy fantasy, right?

'sleazy' is one of those adjectives that is similar to 'slut' imo - perjorative and entirely dependent on the judgment of the person expressing it. Other than that it doesn't mean anything.

I think too many people have been conditioned to feel that certain aspects of sexuality are dirty or shameful. It's not right to judge another person's sexuality unless it involves something illegal. Each to their own.

I do feel for the OP in that pregnancy is a bit of an unsettled time, wrt self-image as well as the effects of the hormones. But I would say that her dh's open conversation with her suggests a healthy relationship rather than anything sinister.

It is ok to have some sexual darker thoughts about people you love. I have quite and alternative (I think) sexual taste, not incredibly rare but not standard I think. Having a fantasy about that doesn't mean I do not love and cherish and respect my partner.

There doesn't always have to be a love element in a sexual fantasy - it can just be about fucking, doesn't mean he doesn't love her. I think maybe the juxtaposition between very pregnant lady in grubby pjs and these sorts of fantasies are a bit daft but nice she is still at the forefront. I would be much more worried if he was imagining someone else!

Interestingly, my Dh is not into porn at all (I love it) he has no interest in seeing other people doing it, but I am a voyeur and it really does it for me, doesn't mean I don't love him, just means it turns me on.

A tool in his masterbation arsenal?? Huh? I don't get that at all. Having a lot of fantasies about his wife does not show he doesn't love her - it shows he does love her!

I agree pinky

This thread s very funny everyones on form today!

That said I do see where cloud is coming from.. he has objectfied her alot and she was disturbed by the convo for that reason...

But yes, good that he can share I spose. Shame it wasn't more OP 'orientated'..

Sleazy is accurate. Slut on the other hand is a word created because of sexist attitudes where women are seen to be degraded by sex. Mind you slut is used a hell of a lot in porn about women, which is reflective of its sexist content. It's absolutely fair enough to judge sex when it becomes misogynistic, exploitatitve and hurtful to women, Electra. This "dirty" phone call was not consensual and bewildered was indeed bewildered and hurt by it. I don't understand why people are ignoring her feelings in defense of "sexual fantasy".

How weird to describe a man wanting to see his wife turned into porn and fucked by other men as "healthy". That's a messed up attitude.

Electra, having a sexual fantasy about someone isn't love. Even having lots of sexual fantasies about someone isn't love. Are you a bit confused about this stuff?

Bewildered said what would have made her feel loved, and it didn't have anything to do with her husband's desire to fuck her, film her and put her on YouPorn for other men to wank to.

Sounds like he's been on his own too long and obsessed with the porn he's watching. I suspect coming back to reality will be a sharp shock for him when he realises you are about to give birth and there will be a little baby here who will prevent a lot of his fantasies happening any time soon. Hope he deals with it ok. More than that, I hope he's good to you OP and that you settle back into life with each other relatively smoothly.

So, who is the judge of what is sleazy? And who made you the judge of what is 'messed up' just because it doesn't fit into your own defintion of normal, cloud?

I took the op's unease about the conversation to mean that she's concerned her dh wants their realtionship to become something other than exclusive and that that has shifted her perception of whether he feels the same way about their marriage vows. Sorry if I got it wrong OP!

Suggesting that her dh is abusing and exploiting her is ridiculous and unhelpful - why try to make someone feel they have a problem in their relationship? Of course she should not feel pressured to do something she doesn't want to but she needs to be open with him that the exclusivity of their relationship is more important to her and that she was taken aback.

Perosnally I wouldn't want to be with a man who had no sexual imagination, or didn't want to admit he did.

But love and sex are entwined cloudsandwindotherwise there is NO point in monogamous relationships is there...and the building blocks of our society are a lie...

Having a sexual fantasy about someone does not mean you do not love them. And wanting you wife to be fucked by someone else is not 'healthy' as such (well I didn't say that anyway) but it is bog standard

On the right day this would have been a much more appropriate convo, it still might not have done it for the OP but as I have said, he isn't thinking pregnant lady in pjs, he is thinking hot wife he is missing. He was just inconsiderate of the reality of her life atm not abusive

He could be watching a lot worse on YouPorn, I love youporn - a bit vanilla for me on the whole but some nice clips (doesn't mean I don't love my DH

I have to agree electra (jumps in) I think that it sounds as though the OPS DH is using distance as a way of broaching subjects which may otherwise be hard to bring up with the OP.

Not all couples are comfy discussing sex....in fact many are not.

Er, no I am not confused - I agree with what pinky said that sexual fantasies are not always about love but that doesn't mean you don't respect the person you have the fantasy about.

However, if you still have a lot of fantasies about the person you've been with a long time and who you've had three children with then that suggests you still love them imo. And that you've been able to keep the sexuality of the relationship intact - which is actually quite difficult to do when you have small children ime.

That is a very very good point Mumbling - DH and I often discuss difficult things via email (not sex stuff necessarily..)

I didn't say they weren't ragdoll. This guy has disentwined them though. Love and sex being intertwined doens't mean that women have to tolerate or pander to their porn-addicted husband's perve-fantasies either.

There is zero love in the the porn world. None at all. It's all about the use and humiliation of women, and wives and partners are the ones who have to deal with the fall out. Bewildered is hurt and upset about the way her husband is treating her. She's busy looking at home after his children and is pregnant with another one, whilst he's what? Wanking to porn and wanting to put her in sexually abusive situations she wouldn't dream of for herself. If you're confused about what sexually abusive means - lack of consent is way up there. Bewildered didn't consent to being talked to like this.

Anyway who are you to decide what is or isn't unhelpful Electra, just because you think that everybody should subscribe to your porno outlook? Who made you the authority?

Are you all up for her telling him about the fantasy of him having a spit-roasting from two rugby players then, filmed and put on to YouTube?

It would be incredibly "healthy" wouldn't it?

At least he is sharing the fantasy with you. I think there is a risk that if a person is isolated and the fantasy pervades their every thought then they will find an outlet, if he shares verbally that is his outlet.

Your choice is to help him through his loneliness (if that is the genuine driver for the conversation) and play a long to a bit - but only if you are comfortable and clear that it isn't moving into real life activity.

Or you can slap him down and tell him not to be ridiculous. \given the distance between you - how would he react to that?