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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do?

244 replies

babypusher7 · 24/09/2011 16:25

Im posting on here because Im at a place I dont want to be and need some advice

My oh making me so unhappy,I just dont feel anything anymore,he checks my phone all the time,he puts me down in front of people,takes money from me,things are really bad and getting worse latley,the thing is Im pregnant and I told him he went nuts,he kickes off at the little things a cupple of weeks ago I left the light on and he really kicked off big time,I rang the police but they let him go the next morning so he took it out on me.

I sometimes feel like most of its my fault and if I could try harder to please him it wouldnt happen,but the more I try the worse he gets

can anyone offer advice on what to do ? x

OP posts:
IWantWine · 28/09/2011 08:19

OP I have been there. It really is better not to talk to him. The things he did to you are unforgiveable. There is nothing he can say to change any of that. Nothing!

Are you getting help from the D.V unit? Have you spoken to anyone at Womens Aid. Speak to them. Dont speak to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2011 08:41

Babypusher

I will give you a stark warning.

If you go back to him he'll eventually do far more than attack you again; he could well end up murdering you or at the very least putting you in hospital. Two women on average per week in the UK are killed at the hands of their partner or ex; do not become such a statistic.

They all say they'll change but they never do. They just up their control instead. He will not let you go out at all without him if you go back. You will be under lock and key become his complete prisoner without any life of your own.

Keep posting here and talk to Womens Aid. The Womens Aid Freedom programme would help you a great deal also.

babypusher · 28/09/2011 10:23

I feel asamed to post today,Herhissyness I will keep posting its all Im clinging on to,not feeling to good,the last 24 hrs havnt been good for me,things have so quickly got out of control,I am ashamed,and feel dirty.

He bought things in from work and piled them high in the corner,they didnt stay there for long,no one puts things in my corner,he went nuts for me moving them but I dont care.Suppose its the way I know I can protect my little one.

Nettletea,I know what you mean about the fog,its been foggy for a long time,its the only way to get through,a few drinks helps me x plus things dont hurt to much,Im hurting today though.

Im not feeling so brave anymore, x

kat2504 · 28/09/2011 10:29

You have been brave once and you can do it again. Are you saying he is trying to barricade you in a room with stuff? That sounds terrible.

I'm sorry you seem to be back there. Please listen to the stark warning. He will be angry that you have dared get away from him and will want to punish you for that. What he has already done is unspeakably bad. He won't change. He has already gone nuts, even though he must have sweet talked you into going back.

Drinking won't help you and you know that. Don't feel ashamed to talk about it but i really hope you will muster up all your strength soon and get out of there for good. Womens Aid will help you. If you are in danger again the police will help you. Everyone here is happy to help you by listening.

May I ask if you are getting proper antenatal care at the moment?

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 28/09/2011 10:34

Baby, keep posting. We're here to listen/read. Have you contacted anyone local eg police or women's aid?

WomansWeekly · 28/09/2011 11:00

what area are you in BP

HerHissyness · 28/09/2011 11:17

Don't you EVER feel ashamed love! this is not YOU, this is HIM!

we are here for you, however, wherever and whenever you need us, whatever it takes for you to protect yourself.

Like I said elswhere today, we all have a way of blotting it out. I did, I know nettletea did, and there are others, most of us did.

Understandable, but know that it's only masking the situation and allowing it to carry on. It's better if you can try NOT to do this, and keep a clear head so you can think about what you need to do, and how to get where you need to be. The FOG can't lift if we medicate ourselves.

hugs sweety, hope today is OK.

babypusher · 28/09/2011 11:23

I have tried wa alot but not managed to speak to anyone yet,I am also waiting for a mw app,she will ring with a time/date.

No he didnt lock me in with his stuff from work,he put things in the corner of the room ,the corner needs to stay empty,its important to me.I dont think he will go as far as the stark warning,he wants me here to please x
x

babypusher · 28/09/2011 11:26

just thinking if wa can move me far away so i carnt go back? even if i waned to? it would be to far?

honeyandsalt · 28/09/2011 11:54

Sounds like moving a long way away would be a good idea, you need to distance yourselves.

May I ask why the corner is so important?

WomansWeekly · 28/09/2011 11:56

what happened when the police turned up when you dialled 999

babypusher · 28/09/2011 12:42

The corners is where I curl up,that was hard to write.

honeyandsalt · 28/09/2011 13:04

Ah. Well done for writing it.

And why are you staying?

babypusher · 28/09/2011 13:12

I dont know,

babypusher · 28/09/2011 13:13

scared of whats out there, ? crazy I know

loopylou6 · 28/09/2011 13:14

I thought you'd left?

babypusher · 28/09/2011 13:17

I did but went back,

TimeForMeIsFree · 28/09/2011 13:20

Did the police not offer to take you to WA babypusher? Did they not leave you with any kind of support? Sad

bubblegumpop · 28/09/2011 13:26

This is so sad. I am surprised though at the police letting you go back. Not actually giving you support with an automatic referral to social services or the DV unit. For support.

Considering the level of violence involved here too and false imprisonment. Which constabulary is it? As that's very odd. It should have been an automatic thing with dc's involved and the level of dv here. So they have left you with no support right?

PeachyWhoCannotType · 28/09/2011 13:28

Less to be scared of out than In really. But that's obvious, except to someone whose been so thoroughly ground down as you have.

How about emailing women's aid [email protected]
with a link to this thread and explaining you an;t get through by telephone? They might have another number you can use.

PeachyWhoCannotType · 28/09/2011 13:32

Also police have a duty to notify SSD if a child is in a house where they may be witnessing aggression- even just shouting let alone DV. I know this myself from when DH was depressed, SSD weren;t invovled but we were told if DH did not get sorted they would be (he did and is).

Be aware that you may well get a visit from a Social Worker shortly who has the power to remove your child if they feel it is warranted, albeit after lots of procedures. Exposing a child to DV is considered- rightly- a form of abuse in itself.

Which I know must sound hrash but it's reality so you need to know that. Is it better inside without the children than outside with? That might be your options. And what if something happened to you (not done by him- a bus say)- if nothing has been done he would get custody, you OK with that then?

babypusher · 28/09/2011 13:37

I didnt tell them enough, I bottled it, he offerd me phone numbers and said I could tell him,which I didnt

Wish wa would answer iv listed to the message a million times,surley they have to answer soon,

PeachyWhoCannotType · 28/09/2011 13:40

Use the email link I sent

I don't know what you told them but I would be amazed if they do not know that you are holding back, they deal with DV every day, so yes SW may get involved. Of course YOU could call SW in which cse they would think you were great for approaching them and help you. Give us your county and we can get telephone numbers.

bubblegumpop · 28/09/2011 13:41

So this is the 2nd time they have been out right. This is the 2nd time the police have been called out for dv, whether you couldn't say or not?

It's all very odd then. Being trained like they are, it's now their "red flag" thing. They are very hard on dv now. You don't even need to say anything if they can go ahead and arrest themselves.

As this is the 2nd time, I'm very, very surprised they haven't notified ss. The police automatically do it on subsequent call out now, to avoid sending women back to positions like this. So the constabulary are failing you here aren't they?

Why won't you phone him back...........instead of waiting on the phone to WA?

babypusher · 28/09/2011 13:43

I carnt email as he gets emails straight to his phone,thats why he doesnt use the computer its all on his phone,i am still phoning them x

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