What should I do?

[babypusher7]

Im posting on here because Im at a place I dont want to be and need some advice

My oh making me so unhappy,I just dont feel anything anymore,he checks my phone all the time,he puts me down in front of people,takes money from me,things are really bad and getting worse latley,the thing is Im pregnant and I told him he went nuts,he kickes off at the little things a cupple of weeks ago I left the light on and he really kicked off big time,I rang the police but they let him go the next morning so he took it out on me.

I sometimes feel like most of its my fault and if I could try harder to please him it wouldnt happen,but the more I try the worse he gets

can anyone offer advice on what to do ? x

Morning Baby, hoping that your lack of posting is due to the fact that you are out of your terrible situation, however do not be embarrassed to post again if you are still there.

Those of us who have been in similar situations to yours understand how difficult it is when you feel so trapped and have been brainwashed into thinking you have nothing and are worth nothing.

We are here to support, wherever you are x

agree with sir sugar. I wish I had had an annonymous outlet for what was going on. I was too embarrassed to speak to anyone in real life, and I am sure if I had had MN I would have got away so much sooner. Hope we hear something from you soon xxx

just read this - oh my goodness, you are so brave - I hope you and your DC are safe. Sending you lots of strength xx

Deep breaths,

Hoping to make some sence of all this tonight,feeling very confused,I want to get it all out ,it helps ,like it did before,not sure I should be posting on here like this.

When I logged on and saw such kind words,from people who dont know me ,well I carnt say how much I felt cared about,thankyou x

Got a very confused head ??,yestaday when I left I felt scared of him,free,but when I was away I felt scared without him,felt I needed him?wtf is going on in my mind??? I feel sorry for him in a funny sort of way.

Sir sugar/thanks for understanding hun,I wouldnt be posting tonight without your post,thought about it,
got to go will be back

Babypusher, I have been lurking and I am so pleased you made that call.

I'm so glad to hear from you again too - I'm sure everyone else will be too

you were so used to being part of a couple hoever dysfunctional.
it's normal to feel confused.
hope the people helping you are supportive.
call the womens aid number and talk it thru.

or samaritans, anyone you can express how you feeling to

Good to hear from you. I care because I've been through an abusive relationship, although I tried I never actually left but my H died. I did realise I was going to have to do something, it was just taken out of my hands.

I didn't find MN until after he died, I was googling abusive relationships which led me here. I think the support of others that have been through bad relationships here is fantastic.

I read somewhere It can take up to seven attempts to finally leave an abusive relationship; its not easy.

I guess my personal interest in your situation is that I want to see you do what I didn't manage. I know how difficult it is to be the one to do a really big thing and change your life and the lives of your children for the better when you have been made to feel you are useless by someone who is supposed to care for you and who you have tried to please. Its very confusing. x

Thats perfectly normal Baby. Its all to do with the way he controlled you - you have looked to him to say what to do, how to be, for so long that it will take a little time to get used to making decisions and realise that you are ABLE to make decisions. Soon you will be able to shake the feeling that he is looking over your shoulder, and that you need to consider every move you make by considering what HE would want. The feeling sorry for him is part of it too. Have you been able to contact womens aid - they will really be able to help, to put you in touch with someone who you will be safe to talk to, who will understand the tangles your mind goes through when suddenly released from the grip of abuse, to be able guide you to a safe place mentally for you and your LOs. Keep looking at this thread, keep posting please, we are all here to help you, and we are so glad that you have taken a step towards being yourself again. xxxx

babypusher, we don't 'know' you. but many of us WERE you, some of us still ARE you.

Just as they all seem to work to an abusive script, we, their victims/captives too are similar.

Those of us that are out have felt what you feel, cried the tears, been frightened to the very core of our beings, but some how or another we have found ourselves on the other side. The side without them in it.

The fear of separation is worse than separation itself. You are frightened now, because you are free, and you don't know what to do, cos there is no-one there to tell you.

So, to begin with, do NOTHING. Just sit, breathe in and out and sit. Enjoy the peace, feel what it feels like NOT to feel sick when the key goes in the door, when you hear him pace, or speak, or give you that look that means it's about to kick off.

Mine left to go back to his country, I didn't leave either, nor did I throw him out really. I let him go, knowing that this was IT. It was terrifying.

I found the idea of living life with him more terrifying. So I hung onto the truth. What life would be like if he stayed (awful) and where I could be if he went (anywhere I wanted to be) not having to worry about what I'd done wrong, what sin I'd committed, whether I'd be allowed to do this, that or the other. Not having to have sex with him.

Find your truth, find your future, your hope, your bliss, your peace and cling to it. The Truth really will set you free.

We are here wherever and whenever you need us, just shout? post or PM, however you need to communicate, however you need to gain and keep strength to carry this through, we are here.

I'm not sure if you have left or not yet from your post; but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you find what you are comfortable with and seek out help.

Don't worry if everyones screaming 'leave' and you still haven't; I think you already know thats what you need and want to do. You haven't been in charge of your own life for a while so its not easy. Do what you need to do, we will be here x

Above my message there are posts from women I 'know' that have suffered immense abuse, and are both still here and still helping others to find the strength to get out.

I know they will agree with me when I say that we don't ever want to see another woman left behind in one of these relationships. I wish I had more hands to extend to help others out. I want every abused partner here posting or lurking to know that they may be isolated, feel alone and frightened, but every single one of you is one of US, and we miss you and want you here, want you out and safe and will never forget you.

Every single one of us is worth more than that kind of life. No-one deserves it. We all deserve to be happy, free and content.

If there is anyone lurking here that feels they are in a similar situation, and need help, hand-holding or just sympathy and understanding, take a deep breath and come out of the shadows.

Agree with my dear sister SirSugar, in your own time babypusher, the best way is to manage it and plan it, and come to terms in your own time. if you are out, great, if you are not quite, that's OK (as long as you are at no risk of harm) we'll be here no matter what.

Thats lovely Hissy x

I very rarely post on Relationships because I don't think I can contribute anything that the ladies on here haven't already....

BUT if I can do it, anyone can. I left with 3 children, a packed car and no money. And I mean I filled up the car with petrol and had £20 left - no savings, no cards, no job, that was it. WA moved us over 100 miles away and they were the only people who knew. I cried my eyes out when we got there cos all I wanted to do was go 'home'. But we did it - we stayed in the refuge for 6 weeks until I had to go back (illness in the family). WA then helped me with the council to get a move and we've finally done it.

Please, please, if you haven't already, just go. It is never as bad as you fear, and the relief is immense. You don't realise how highly wound you are, until you find you don't need to be. Take it from someone who knows

It feels like you know me and I like it,didnt realise about the last few posts,its alot to take in tbh,Ill read over it again.

Im not at home Im going to be honist,but I have talked to him today,and I want to go home right now

Nettletea I will keep posting if its ok to poor it out x some of you have been through loads wow,im shocked to find Im posting,and some of you know as you have been there,you are all strong.
thanks for being there

x

Please try and remember that him being nice to you is just as much a part of the cycle of abuse as everything else, and that if you go back things will get much, much worse.

Well done for leaving!

wishing you the strength to stay away. When you want to "go home" it's your fantasy home and partner that you want not the reality IYSWIM.

Thanks x

So proud of you for taking that first step - no matter what happens next, you have that strength.

I haven't experienced what you are going through, I can only guess. But I'm rooting for you and on your side for all the good it might do

Hey babypusher.

Im so relieved that you found the strength to leave, and wish you the strength to stay away. No matter how sweet the words that he says, and no matter how many promises of change there are. Deep in yourself you know that he will go right back on all of it. I have been in a violent relationship before I met my DW. And once they have a taste of power and control they never want to let that go. RandomMess sums things up pretty well when she says it is fantasy home you want to go back to.

Stay strong dear one, there are many of us here applauding your courage in leaving. And we are all holding you in our hearts and willing you the strenght to stay away and rebuild your new found life.

Just take heart and remember that you are so much more than his property to be locked away and controlled.

Good luck and keep us all posted on how things go.

For having the courage to leave you have our greatest respect

It was having DD that finally made me withdraw from him (although he remained in the house for a further 2 years) when I was pregnant I gave him a chance. We moved house. We made a fresh start, but from the word go it was quite obviously not the house, or the job, or his friends which were the problem, it was him. I spent 2 years doped up to the eyeballs just to blank out the life I had, so That I was living in a fog where all I needed to do was be able to function to feed and clothe and play with my DD and act normal for a morning amongst normal mum's at a playgroup. Its not something I was proud of, but even my doctor and midwife didnt criticise as they knew it was the only thing that was keeping me sane and calm.
Some things happened and I just got to the point where I didnt want DD to grow up and see her mother treated like this, I didnt want her to think that was normal, that was how men treated women, that was what a relationship looked like. He insulted my family at the end and my dad had been waiting for an excuse to kick him out. I had asked him to go before but he hadnt taken any notice of me, because what I said didnt matter. I know that is always true, even now. But whether my dad did it,or I had had to call in help to get him out, he needed to be gone for DD. That is the thing that kept me focussed.

Oh please dont go back... please give yourself some time to adjust! Please talk to some other people, WA, the DV unit, family, friends... When you live like that for so long it becomes 'normal' ... but really it isnt normal! Dont talk to him. I am still here after so many years. Dont make my mistakes.

babypusher, can we ask that you keep posting to us, every time you feel drawn back there, please talk to us? don't let him con you.

We've all been there, we've all been sucked back in, and each time it gets harder, each time they get more convincing.

You are out, you need to keep it like that. It might look like life will be tough for a while, and it may very well be, but it WILL GET BETTER.

Life with him will only get worse.

Well done love. You really are stronger than you realise.

Don't listen to anything he tells you. Perhaps even better not to talk to him at all for now.
He has spend years brainwashing you into thinking you need him but slowly you will realise you don't. It must be very hard and I'm sure after being downtrodden and put down for so long, it doesn't happen overnight. And I'm really sure it must be ever so hard to be away from your home that you are used to. Slowly but surely it will get better. You will get help from lots of lovely people and you will make new friends who will support you. You know that he will only hurt you, no matter what he tells you or promises you to persuade you to go back.
You are an amazing person and you deserve so much better than him. We are all thinking of you and are ready to listen when you need to talk. I can't begin to imagine what it is like as I haven't been there myself, but I do know that change is hard for anyone, and that it takes a lot of courage to do what you have done.