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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does the violence ever stop?

231 replies

ash6605 · 23/09/2011 14:15

I find it hard to put this into words, things aren't good right now. I had my dh arrested last night, he punched me with full force in the head. I did slap him first so totally deserve it and don't know why I rang the police, I feel bad I did now, he spent the night it the cells and is out on bail now. The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder. It's wrong of both of us I know that. But I love him dearly and don't want things to be this way.
Does anyone have any experience of this and did it stop, can it be overcome?

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 24/09/2011 11:42

I'm well aware of the difference. I left my first marriage with my kids in the back of a police car, after he went too far.

I don't like the double standards and precedent being set here. That if a woman instigates dv, it's ok as she isn't as strong, she's not a man, she is the victim.

It's pretty disgusting.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/09/2011 11:46

interesting how many of the DV Clichés make it ok for a woman to abuse a man.

I wonder if St Lundy would be happy to know that his book is being used as an excuse for DV.

tipitout · 24/09/2011 11:48

Boney - are you male?

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/09/2011 11:50

Does it make a difference?

tipitout · 24/09/2011 11:58

Have you been in fear of your life from an overpowering man?

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/09/2011 12:14

I used to arrive home from work and be told what mood I was in
I used to be told that everything was my fault
I couldn't have a discussion without fear that I would get hit (slapped or punched)
I couldn't walk away and not know that I wouldn't get hit by something that was thrown at me (pictures, knives, cups, rocks, dog shit) .
I couldn't see my family or friends without some sort of emotional display.
I could go into more detail but I can't be bothered to justify my views.

One male viuctim of DV has been chased off the board, (best of luck Oberon, it does get easier).
This one is staying.

Snorbs · 24/09/2011 12:17

SGM, you seem to be implying that a man hitting a woman is the man's fault because he is an abuser, whereas when a woman hits a man it's the man's fault because he is an abuser.

In your view, could a man ever use the "she goaded me into violence" excuse or is that one solely reserved for women?

tipitout · 24/09/2011 12:19

But can you understand that you are on a thread on which there are to the greater extent females who have been abused, and sometimes, as in my case, when you have been subjected to the full force of a man's usually greater strength, that does play a factor in things. Let's face it. Alot of those men would not go and pick on someone their own size or strength. They pick on women.

bubblegumpop · 24/09/2011 12:20

I have been in fear of my life. I left in the back of a police car, in the clothes me and the kids stood up in. After he really went to town. Yes I have been in fear of my life at the hands of a man.

Dv, is dv. Men suffer this awful experience too. Dv is awful no matter what's in your pants. People should not be treating it or suggesting it as any different because it's done by a woman.

That is really disgusting.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/09/2011 12:21

can you understand that alot of male vactims hide because of the views put forward in this thread?

tipitout · 24/09/2011 12:22

There are alot of abusers who are bullies because they can be by their greater male strength. That includes sex without consent too.

bubblegumpop · 24/09/2011 12:26

Bbj. I can see exactly why men struggle in silence. Somehow, it's always their fault. So sad.

tipitout · 24/09/2011 12:26

I'm not suggesting suffering dv is different between the sexes, just that physically men are often stronger and can physically push, throw, drag a woman around easier than a man could.

And, yes, the impact of emotional/mental abuse has no boundaries.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/09/2011 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tipitout · 24/09/2011 12:29

Bubble - who said it was a man's fault?

bubblegumpop · 24/09/2011 12:35

It's quite clear here. Op starts it. He may have just lashed out back in shock. Op is repeatedly violent. Yet its somehow his fault?

AnnieLobeseder · 24/09/2011 12:41

Wow, what a horrifying thread. There are seriously men out there who think it's OK to respond to a slap from a women with any level of force "because she started it?"

What the actual fuck?!

If you are physically abused by anyone, no matter what your gender or theirs, and whether they're your partner or not, you get the fuck out of there. You don't retaliate and punch them in the head unless you honestly feel your life is in danger.

So tell me, you men who feel it's OK to slap your bitch up if she raises a hand to you - how is a slap life threatening?

I fail to see how saying that it's never OK to retaliate with greater force is making less of male victims of DV. If your wife beats you, leave and report her to the police. Same advice I'd give to a women.

tipitout · 24/09/2011 12:42

OP, as your partner is now out on bail, how are things with you now?

AnnieLobeseder · 24/09/2011 12:46

Just to be clear, could any of you bleating about the poor abused man in this situation show me one single post where it has been said that the OP is in the clear for slapping him in the first place? Didn't think so.

No-one has said she is right. They were both wrong, but he proportionally more so for the vastly increased level of violence he inflicted on her.

buzzskillington · 24/09/2011 12:49

No, bubble - the OP said that she frequently slaps first and he takes it too far in response. So it's not that the OP gets physical and this is the first time he's lashed out in reply, it's that they both do regularly. They're both repeatedly violent, but he's more extreme than she is, on a regular basis. He's punching her in the head.

Neither is doing the right thing. He's far more likely to be the one hospitalising her, 'though.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/09/2011 13:08

AnnieLobesederSat 24-Sep-11 12:46:24
"Just to be clear, could any of you bleating about the poor abused man in this situation show me one single post where it has been said that the OP is in the clear for slapping him in the first place?"

From the first few pages

"This is all about HIM. He chose to hit you. He chose to batter you and it's his choice to stop. He won't."

"It's YOUR life against HIS abuse."

"You need to read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men."

"It is very common for emotionally abusive men to goad their partner into slapping them so they can 'retaliate' with full force and blame the partner."

"If he's the only person you've ever hit (there is no real need to count playground scraps or sibling ones) then the problem is more with him but either way"

As for "bleating" ffs

confidence · 24/09/2011 13:13

Beachcomber - This thread is a disgrace. The OP poster here for support and advice. Posters who are unable to refrain from point scoring and debate on a support thread on a support board need to butt the fuck out.

Yes, fair point.

And I'm sure you'd feel exactly the same way if a man posted here looking for "support" for the fact that he can't help hitting his wife sometimes, and she's insolent enough to hit back.

AnnieLobeseder · 24/09/2011 13:13

Sorry, I don't buy it. Why would a couple of posts suggesting that perhaps the OP may have been provoked into starting it make it difficult for men to report DV? I fail to see the connection.

He punched her in the head. Did you miss that part? In what universe is that OK?

AnnieLobeseder · 24/09/2011 13:15

And, please pardon the shouting, NO-ONE HAS SAID IT'S OK THAT THE OP SLAPPED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Only raised the possibility that he may have goaded her. But that doesn't make it slightly OK that she hit him, and no-one has said it does.

confidence · 24/09/2011 13:16

Not a double standard but an awareness of how male and female domestic violence is perpetuated and the knowledge that it is far more common for a male emotional abuser to goad their partner into lashing out so they can assault them and remain a "victim" than it is for women to commit physical violence without provocation.

"Far more common". Got any evidence for that, or reason to ASSUME that's what's happening here, with no information whatsoever to that effect from the OP? Or just misandrist prejudice?

OK.