Does the violence ever stop?

[ash6605]

I find it hard to put this into words, things aren't good right now. I had my dh arrested last night, he punched me with full force in the head. I did slap him first so totally deserve it and don't know why I rang the police, I feel bad I did now, he spent the night it the cells and is out on bail now. The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder. It's wrong of both of us I know that. But I love him dearly and don't want things to be this way.
Does anyone have any experience of this and did it stop, can it be overcome?

"misandrist prejudice"

Oooh! MRA Bingo!

So thats both sets of cards out then:)

And, please pardon the shouting, NO-ONE HAS SAID IT'S OK THAT THE OP SLAPPED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Only raised the possibility that he may have goaded her. But that doesn't make it slightly OK that she hit him, and no-one has said it does.

1. Unfortunately, stewiegriffinsmom at least has gone much further than that, and basically indicated we should assume that's the most likely thing to have happened, because it's "far more common". Apparently.

1. This is irrelevant anyway, because the message we have got loud and clear from four decades of feminist debate and opposition to domestic violence is that NO amount of verbal "goading" makes any difference to the fact. It is wrong, it is always wrong, and those seeking to shift attention to the person receiving the violence because of something they said or whatever, are merely trying to avoid the responsibility of the perpetrator.

Unfortunately those framing the terms of that debate obviously forgot to include the "except" clause.

Well, ask what you like. As far as I'm aware if you post words on this (public) thread, they are part of the thread and I have as much right to address them as anyone else. Not least when they make blatently offensive implications about how it's OK to physically abuse men because it's always their fault.

If you have a problem with that then maybe you should start your own forum where you can tell people what they are allowed to respond to, or something.

Nobody has said it's ok for a woman to hit a man.

Where does that leave legal cases where women have been found not guilty of murder as a result of long term abuse?

confidence - you are too 'black and white'.

So if a man slaps a woman this is black and white. If a w

*Woman slaps a man it's shades of justifiable grey?

Defences of that nature can be used by both sexes and usually result in a reduced sentence, not acquittal. Not sure why you're widening out the scope of the topic except as a derailing tactic, however. But I'll be more precise, if that helps you:

Nobody on this thread has said it's ok for a woman to hit a man.

I have to agree that it's fair to assume that the men is usually the initial perpetrator of violence. Simple statistics support that whether you like it or not.

I still fail to see how that would or should stop a man from reporting DV. Surely if a man is beaten, and doesn't retaliate, his abusing partner wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

If however, he beat her back, they're both in the wrong, as is the case in the OP, and both need to deal with their anger and violent tendencies.

No amount of verbal goading makes DV OK, no matter in which direction it does. Let me describe two scenarios to you. The gender of A and B is irrelevant in each case.

Scenario 1:
A launches a verbal tirade against B.
B gets angry and slaps A. A retreats from the situation and may either report B for assault or wait until the situation has calmed down and a rational discussion can be had.

Scenario 2:
A launches a verbal tirade against B.
B gets angry and slaps A. A then punches B in the head and puts them in hospital.

In scenario 1, B is the person at most fault. If B doesn't like the verbal abuse from A, they can rationally discuss with A how it makes them feel, and the couple can find a way to fix the situation or end the relationship if this a constant issue. Retaliating to verbal abuse with violence is never acceptable.

In scenario 2, A is utterly and completely most at fault. A has both initiated the verbal abuse and escalated the violence. While B shouldn't have slapped A, A certainly has no justifiable reason to hit back even harder.

But in both scenarios, neither party is blameless and the couple would do well to seek relationship therapy.

Why is this so difficult a concept for some of you to grasp?

Concerning the OP states that she 'deserved' to be thumped because she slapped him first.

confidence - you are making that silly error of just seeing the genders as automatic relfections of each other - we are qualititavely different. I suspect you simply don't wish to think any thing through because it will remain your anger, which you enjoy a lot.

remain? remove your anger....

AnnieLobeseder
"I have to agree that it's fair to assume that the men is usually the initial perpetrator of violence. Simple statistics support that whether you like it or not. "

Actually at the last call it was 50/50

"I still fail to see how that would or should stop a man from reporting DV. Surely if a man is beaten, and doesn't retaliate, his abusing partner wouldn't have a leg to stand on."

Examine the case here
she started it, he spent the night in the cells.
all being equal they should both be in the cells.

In both senarios A is launching a verbal tirade, on this thread we do not know if that happened.

In my case all I had to do was arrive home from work for the abuse to start. There was no goading or verbal tirade on my part. Just abuse from my partner

mumisamilitant - have you got round to profusely apologising for abusing Oberon last night? You can try PMing him. He is a lovely-sounding bloke and is a mainstay of a long thread we have going in Chat.

And whilst you're at it, can you please take lessons in 1. alcohol awareness, 2. reading properly 3. managing your anger.

hth.

And would it have been OK for you to retaliate with more violence? No.

And yes, she should equally be in cells if she assaulted him. We are in agreement there.

This is a SUPPORT thread.

Do the people stomping all over it who want to talk about themselves and their politics, not realise that? Or do they just not care?

Ash I'm sorry that your thread has been co-opted in this way. I also think that it is concerning that you think you deserved to be punched in the head because you were violent yourself. (And that does not mean that I am condoning anyone's violence.)

Please contact Women's Aid for some specialist advice.

Annie
she did assault him

she slapped him

Boney - OK, and if he wants to press charges, that's up to him and he would be quite right to do so.

I don't think we are in any disagreement here. My beef on this thread is the men who posted that if their wives hit them they would be justified to hit her back as hard as they liked.

My advice to any man being abused is to leave and report her, same as it would be to a woman. It would be totally irrational to say that an abused woman should remove herself, but a man, based on his probable superior strength, should clock the abusive bitch to teach her a lesson. That makes both parties abusers and as bad as each other.

Anyway, I will agree with beachcomber, apologies to the OP, and I am backing out now.

God, i posted on here yesterday and just came to see if any update from OP and have to say i am truly horrified. Mums a militant you should be totally ashamed of your behaviour telling any body who has been a victim of dv to piss off somewhere else is shameful, apology or not.

Through my job I can tell you i have seen my fair share of domestic violence cases all of them just as awful as the others. I have seen a man have his throat slit by his partner another male have his partners rottweiler set on him by her, i have seen a man with iron burns to his hands another man with a broken arm having been hit with a cricket bat, who attended with his small child, my point being women can be just as much an abuser as any male and saying otherwise belittles the issue of domestic abuse full stop. Violence in the home is wrong and violence perpetrated by women can be taboo because most men would be too ashamed to tell people, in the same way as women are that their partner is hitting them.

We don't have any of the facts about what happened for this situation to occur but the point of everyone's posting should be to encourage the OP to seek help before this goes to far and that there is never an acceptable time to hit your partner in any way, they never deserve it slap or otherwise. She never asked who was right and who was wrong she asked when it would end and the posts here defending one over the other make me sick.

Exactly what beachcomber said on all her posts. I can't believe the thread has gone this way :(

Boney, when you were abused by your wife did you make sure you hurt her worse, you know, made sure you hit her harder and took it much further than her... I'm suspecting not and this is the difference between your situation and the OPs..

Doesn't sound like the OPs partner was acting in shocked self defence to me. What he did could have killed her.

OP if you are reading, I hope you're ok. x

Just to be clear - I agree entirely with the points made about the possibility of a person being goaded into verbal or physical violence by another person, who then feels vindicated in taking things up another level.

We have no way of knowing for sure since Ash has (understandably) not shared any more information, if that is her case.

I'm of the opinion that her OP suggests that this is what may be going on. Ash clearly states that she should not be resorting to violence but she also clearly says that her DH hits back and harder. This is inexcusable.

Ash I know I just keep repeating the same thing, but please do contact Women's Aid and talk this through with someone who understands domestic violence. They will help you to understand why you are in a violent relationship and they will help you work your way forward.

Be strong and be kind to yourself. Nobody deserves to be punched in the head.

If you can bear to will you let us know how you get on (perhaps not on this thread)? I'm worried about you.