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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Restaurant Manager Flirting with my partner - Am i over reacting?

183 replies

JennaP · 19/09/2011 19:52

On Saturday 17th September, my partner and I went to eat at a restaurant in Chiswick, we have been there before and have usually enjoyed the food and good service. He arranged to go in advance and booked us a table for 8.30pm. We stood at the door and were greeted by the Manager/Maitre De.

We had to wait a few minutes for our table which she mumbled to me and then said to my boyfriend whilst placing her hand on his arm. She eventually sat us at out table and then proceeded to read the specials/ menu to my partner whilst completely ignoring me. I mentioned it to my partner and we tried to make a joke of it but he also noticed it when she came back later.

During the evening, she kept on coming back to clear his beer bottles and then when we ordered the bill from another waitress, she noticed that he had taken out his credit card and so came to collect the money, in doing so, she bent down far enough for me to be able to see down her dress and so I don?t doubt that my boyfriend could also see too. She also came back to bring our after dinner liquors. In fact, she spent more time at out table than the waitress did.

Given that it was a Saturday night and the restaurant was full, I think it?s interesting the disproportionate amount of time the manager gave to him. I would like to say the time she gave to serve us, but other than saying hello and goodbye she pretty much ignored me the whole time as she proceeded to be over friendly with him. As we left the restaurant, she said goodnight to me and said ?goodnight, it was nice to meet you? to my partner.

I was furious all weekend mostly because i did not say anything at the time! He's a typical bloke, he was so flattered by the attention that it didn't actually occur to him that she was being rude to me. I'm trying to workout if i am justified in my reaction or if my hormones have driven me crazy!!

Anyway, i was still made this morning and so I wrote a letter of complaint! Did i over react? Is this normal behaviour in London?

OP posts:
warthog · 22/09/2011 10:03

jennap, if you have doubts about this man, please trust yourself and end it. it's not going to change. he won't suddenly wake up and turn into your dream man.

while you are wasting time on him you are throwing away opportunities to meet someone who is more suited.

JennaP · 22/09/2011 10:28

Yeah, i need to make a list!

See, he thinks he adores me: runs me around is supportive about my work, he never let's me pay, cooks for me, cleans for me, always asks me what I want, i've met his family and oldest friends. I honestly don't think he would see being friendly with this girl as a big deal; he'll probably say that if he was interested in her why would he have taken me there, he would have gone on his own.

I know that I have low self esteem. When i met him I was in great shape mentally and physically but with work and also confusion over his behaviour I seem to have lost my sparkle. I feel as though i have so damaged by past relationships and throughout my life being approached by attached men that I don't trust men. This is why I am trying to work this through - i'm not sure if it's him or me! Added to which i'm SO stressed with other things: over 40 and no baby, work, my weight, finances etc that i know that i'm not really seeing things clearly. What to do!!?? :(

OP posts:
Renaissance227 · 22/09/2011 11:27

Get a grip and concentrate on more important things than a stupid manager in a stupid restaurant. Do you think he has given her this much thought?!
Most men I know would be flattered and as soon as they were out of the situation would not give it another thought.
I've wasted hours and days (just like you) being insecure and overthinking every move in these situations but really life is too short.
If you are happy with him and you are happy together then get over it and concentrate on the good things you have together.
Don't worry so much about all the things you mentioned above, as they all come right in the end (a cliche I know, but mostly true). Enjoy every minute you spend together if he is the one you love and want to be with.
Also enjoy the time you have together before a baby comes along and interupts this great social life you have! Smile

AnyF · 22/09/2011 13:47

I think you need to work on your own self

You sound all over the place and are bending in whatever direction this thread goes in (and there have been quite a few twists and turns...)

You don't know what you want

You are focussing on the wrong things

How about some counselling/life coaching to assist you in making firm decisions on how you want your life to be, and in making positive steps to take you that way

Maybe this is the man for you. I don't know if you should dump him. He's not exactly an axe murderer is he ? I think your reactions to his behaviour need quite a lot of work though (eg. your automatic stance that he was an innocent victim of a female predator), and this is where some counselling for your own self would be of benefit to you.

JennaP · 22/09/2011 15:04

I have bent with the thread because the whole point of discussing this is to get other people's opinions and then make up my own mind. I'm pleased that I sent the letter, I still believe the waitress was rude and unprofessional. I also think that my boyfriend could have been more supporting. My 'over reaction' which i don't think is an over reaction may have been exaggerated because of my current stress levels and my lack of trust of men and my strong values around how women behave with attached men.

If i'm being honest, I actually feel good that I had a reaction and that I complained, it's better than rolling over or having resentment. It's also given me the opportunity to think about the pro's con's of my relationship. All good i'd say.

OP posts:
Renaissance227 · 22/09/2011 15:05

Very good. An overall bad experience turned good.

NOW MOVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

warthog · 22/09/2011 19:29

yes, all good jenna.

and sounds to me like you need to spend some time on your own.

Eurostar · 22/09/2011 21:58

I wouldn't have been averse to complaining about a waitress who was rude/ignored me. HOWEVER, it does sound worrying to be honest that you couldn't have the conversation at the time with your partner - bring up that you are feeling uncomfortable, ask if he had noticed etc.. I can see that one might not want to ruin a special night out but as you two go out several times a week, not really a problem to discuss that the service is upsetting you? He also therefore presumably knows that you normally are fine in a restaurant etc. so it is not as there wasn't something out of the ordinary here. If the person I was with put down a tip for someone who had treated me like I wasn't there, I'd have been picking it straight back up off the table myself.

If you couldn't communicate with him at the time and he couldn't notice that you were being treated badly, it just doesn't bode well for having a baby very soon. I'd say practice being more open about what you are thinking and feeling and see how that progresses.

You mention confusion over his behaviour? What else confuses you about his behaviour?

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