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Original poster

Restaurant Manager Flirting with my partner - Am i over reacting?

183 replies

JennaP · 19/09/2011 19:52

On Saturday 17th September, my partner and I went to eat at a restaurant in Chiswick, we have been there before and have usually enjoyed the food and good service. He arranged to go in advance and booked us a table for 8.30pm. We stood at the door and were greeted by the Manager/Maitre De.

We had to wait a few minutes for our table which she mumbled to me and then said to my boyfriend whilst placing her hand on his arm. She eventually sat us at out table and then proceeded to read the specials/ menu to my partner whilst completely ignoring me. I mentioned it to my partner and we tried to make a joke of it but he also noticed it when she came back later.

During the evening, she kept on coming back to clear his beer bottles and then when we ordered the bill from another waitress, she noticed that he had taken out his credit card and so came to collect the money, in doing so, she bent down far enough for me to be able to see down her dress and so I don?t doubt that my boyfriend could also see too. She also came back to bring our after dinner liquors. In fact, she spent more time at out table than the waitress did.

Given that it was a Saturday night and the restaurant was full, I think it?s interesting the disproportionate amount of time the manager gave to him. I would like to say the time she gave to serve us, but other than saying hello and goodbye she pretty much ignored me the whole time as she proceeded to be over friendly with him. As we left the restaurant, she said goodnight to me and said ?goodnight, it was nice to meet you? to my partner.

I was furious all weekend mostly because i did not say anything at the time! He's a typical bloke, he was so flattered by the attention that it didn't actually occur to him that she was being rude to me. I'm trying to workout if i am justified in my reaction or if my hormones have driven me crazy!!

Anyway, i was still made this morning and so I wrote a letter of complaint! Did i over react? Is this normal behaviour in London?

OP posts:
JillySnooper · 20/09/2011 09:35

Okay, I am wearing my Analyst hat and this is what I see.

I think you are insecure because you are his girlfriend but would like to be more.

I think you are insecure because you are not pregnant and would like to be.

I think you are overreacting because of these two things.

I think he is older than you, successful and well groomed and that makes you insecure.

larrygrylls · 20/09/2011 09:39

Full on "bunnyboiler" territory.

For what it is worth, on the odd occasions waitresses have flirted with me, I have known full well that they are after my wallet (as in a big tip), not my body. Bad assumption on the occasions my wife is paying, but they have to play the odds.

Just don't leave a tip and, if really offended, don't go back. I do think that even noticing it speaks to deep insecurity issues. I am always chuffed when someone flirts with my wife. It is a compliment to me and lovely for her self esteem.

deste · 20/09/2011 09:42

So he got more attention than you. I've heard it all now.

Original poster
JennaP · 20/09/2011 09:45

this is not just about her flirting with him, it's about her blanking me when we were both customers. The brown/white thing came up earlier because someone mentioned that he may of looked like my dad.

OP posts:
nickschick · 20/09/2011 09:47

We went to a restaurant for ds 18th birthday and in front of everyone the waiter told Dh he had a beautiful daughter .......ds2 kindly explained I was the mum and that dh is quite a bit older than me...dh was a bit Hmm but we just laughed

Original poster
JennaP · 20/09/2011 09:47

Larry - good to get the male perspective. Anyway, time to let this go. I wonder if they will reply....either way, i'm sure it's taught me something.

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 20/09/2011 09:48

OP, 'tis annoying, and rather bad manners.

But it really, really shouldn't be preying on your mind like this, matey.

That is is preying suggests there are other ishoos at play, as per Therapist Jilly's solutions. Do any of these ring true?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 20/09/2011 09:51

So the Mumsnet consensus appears to be that it is acceptable to blank women, that they do not deserve to be treated as fully present members of the human race.

Further, any woman who has the temerity to complain about being ignored is just a hysterical bitch who deserves ridicule.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 20/09/2011 09:52

Any decent waiter looking for a good tip will not ignore one member of a dining party.

Good waiters flirt gently, and are nice and attentive to everyone.

Original poster
JennaP · 20/09/2011 09:52

Maybe - been trying to get pregnant for 6 months and got my period over the weekend and i'm stressed with work. So, yes...Jilly Snooper is probably right!

OP posts:
JodieHarsh · 20/09/2011 09:53

No not really, SheCut, and that sort of preposterous exaggeration ain't helping no-one.

coffeeinbed · 20/09/2011 09:54

Bad service/being blanked out in restaurants makes my blood boil.
I would have complained.

JodieHarsh · 20/09/2011 09:54

Oh sheesh Jenna, sorry about that Sad. As a hoary old long-term TTCer I do see that it makes a girl mental-mad for a bit. Sympathies from me.

DuelingFanjo · 20/09/2011 10:02

In you op you sound a bit of a jealous type but in your following posts you sound pretty normal so I recon this woman must have really actively ignored you for you to have written a letter about it. Maybe your dp should have involved you a bit more so the manager could see you were both deserving of equal attention.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 20/09/2011 10:10

How is it an exaggeration?

She was rudely ignored and has been ridiculed for not being fine with it.

Why should she be?

Why is it OK that she was blanked in that way?

bubblegumpop · 20/09/2011 10:15

This thread still going around din circles from last night? People putting words into peoples mouths?

Who is saying to be ignored/blanked/treated badly is acceptable. It's not. Op should have complained about the service.

But making all about "my man", what a horrible phrase, you can't own people. By making it all about flirting with "her man". Whether that was the intention or not, she has mad herself look a bit crazy and possessive. The complaint will just be laughed at.

The complaint would have been better if she never even mentioned the word flirting.

If she had on made it a generic complaint, about the rudeness, ignorance, no eye contact, etc and not based it around flirting, making herself look a bit unhinged towards the person reading it. She may well have got a result with the disciplinary action against the woman concerned.

onehellofaride · 20/09/2011 10:19

OP I don't think I would be very happy either especially given that you were paying for a meal and good service.

Every time I go out with my DH someone flirts with him and although it is flattering and I know he's with me it's still bloody annoying when I'm there and being blanked, especially when the person flirting with him is a belly dancer, wearing very little, gyrating round the table while we are out for a meal but that's another story! Grin

babyhammock · 20/09/2011 10:21

Very inconsiderate and rude of her, not to mention unproffessional. You were out for a dinner for two so not very nice of her to try and spoil it.

All respect for writing a letter. You'll have to let us know if you get a reply.

JodieHarsh · 20/09/2011 10:23

'Twas an exaggeration, SheCut, because no-one used any term as perjorative as 'hysterical bitch'.

Anyway. I think the OP sounds very nice, so I'm going away now.

dreamingbohemian · 20/09/2011 10:23

OP you do sound like a very nice person and you are handling your grilling here very well Smile

But I do think your posts show some insecurity, for example you think she was flirting with your partner 'because she thinks she would be a better girlfriend than me', or 'I work hard all week, I want to be treated with respect' (sorry paraphrasing).

This makes me think that perhaps you overreacted to the situation and perceived it as worse than it was. So no, SCOTT, it's not about dismissing her experience, but equally I hate the archetype of the 'sexually aggressive server trying to steal my man', which comes up a lot, and which in my experience I have never seen in real life.

If this does happen, however, Mumbling has the best strategy with her 'over here!' approach!

ChitChattingWithKids · 20/09/2011 10:24

Why are people having such a go at the Op? The only thing she did wrong was not having a go at the rude manager straight away.

I might laught at it from a waitress, but would still be very pointed with my remarks to them. But from a Manager I would probably get really cross with - but my way of dealing with it would be to very bluntly force her to pay attention to me.

TheDevilsAdvocaat · 20/09/2011 10:46

So, you haven't told your DP about the email.....are you going to?

Proudnscary · 20/09/2011 10:52

Oi yous lot, this ain't AIBU ya know!!
OP got a rough ride and some unnecessarily vicious comments.
But she was being a right silly billy and made herself look ridiculous to all and sundry. At the end of the day a restaurant worker was making goo goo eyes at her bloke to get a tip!
Chit - how would you 'force her to pay attention' to you? Confused

SnakeOnCrack · 20/09/2011 10:53

Erm, I would say you are over-reacting a tad. Yes it is ridiculous and not very proffesional of her, but if that happened to me I'd find it HUGELY amusing. I'm perfectly secure in the knowledge that my partner wouldn't be interested, and therefore would see it as the evenings entertainment! If she was rude to you, then yes, that would be annoying but the whole scenario would make me giggle rather than seethe I think.

ChitChattingWithKids · 20/09/2011 11:10

Proudnscary - I would start doing the ordering; ask questions about meals (make her check with chef and come back if needed!)- "sorry, I couldn't hear that special you just mentioned, what was it?' ; reply to any 'how is your meal' questions (regardless of who they were addressed to).

I don't do being ignored!!!! Grin

But them my DH would never just sit there and allow it either, and would direct their attention my way too.