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Original poster

Restaurant Manager Flirting with my partner - Am i over reacting?

183 replies

JennaP · 19/09/2011 19:52

On Saturday 17th September, my partner and I went to eat at a restaurant in Chiswick, we have been there before and have usually enjoyed the food and good service. He arranged to go in advance and booked us a table for 8.30pm. We stood at the door and were greeted by the Manager/Maitre De.

We had to wait a few minutes for our table which she mumbled to me and then said to my boyfriend whilst placing her hand on his arm. She eventually sat us at out table and then proceeded to read the specials/ menu to my partner whilst completely ignoring me. I mentioned it to my partner and we tried to make a joke of it but he also noticed it when she came back later.

During the evening, she kept on coming back to clear his beer bottles and then when we ordered the bill from another waitress, she noticed that he had taken out his credit card and so came to collect the money, in doing so, she bent down far enough for me to be able to see down her dress and so I don?t doubt that my boyfriend could also see too. She also came back to bring our after dinner liquors. In fact, she spent more time at out table than the waitress did.

Given that it was a Saturday night and the restaurant was full, I think it?s interesting the disproportionate amount of time the manager gave to him. I would like to say the time she gave to serve us, but other than saying hello and goodbye she pretty much ignored me the whole time as she proceeded to be over friendly with him. As we left the restaurant, she said goodnight to me and said ?goodnight, it was nice to meet you? to my partner.

I was furious all weekend mostly because i did not say anything at the time! He's a typical bloke, he was so flattered by the attention that it didn't actually occur to him that she was being rude to me. I'm trying to workout if i am justified in my reaction or if my hormones have driven me crazy!!

Anyway, i was still made this morning and so I wrote a letter of complaint! Did i over react? Is this normal behaviour in London?

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 21/09/2011 20:53

It's awful to be ignored in a service setting, especially if the other person at the table is being lavished with attention.

I don't blame you. I wouldn't write a letter, but I wouldn't think oh fantastic a night out where I feel invisible to two people.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 21/09/2011 20:54

If you are going to speak to him about it, I'd suggest you use the old "I" statements, as in "I felt hurt that you didn't involve me" and "I didn't like it that you tipped her when the service was bad". That was you get your message across without accusation.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 20:57

well, what to do ?

personally, i think you have missed your moment (this time)

he will turn it back to you and make you sound like a paranoid witch at this juncture

the mistake you made was to suck it up at the time, which is what a lot of posters have said to you

a simple "did you mean to be so rude ?" to the bint would have sorted her, quicksmart

a very clear "don't ever fucking make me feel like I am insignificant like that again...and this is how you contributed to it etc etc" to your partner, immediately after you got home (no need for a scene in the restaurant, of course)

no letters of complaint...unless you want to send one to your partner,because that is where it would be best-placed, IMO

and then if he does it again in future, you simply pick up your coat and leave

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 20:58

I feel lucky to be with someone that has the same interests as me, that laughs with me and that I can spend lots of time with and not get bored. He doesn't look his age, he not got lots of money and so the handsome, successful thing doesn't feature. My ex's were far better looking but I like him.

This has never happened to me, ever. I've had people flirt with my boyfriends and that is ok when it's playful and innocent. He and I go out for dinner 2/3 times a week and it hasn't happened before. he looks at women, I look at men.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 21/09/2011 21:00

So why were you so bothered this time?

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 21:02

he is out tonight....i did just send him a message saying " babe, try and resist chatting up the waitress" haha

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 21:04

I was bothered because she blanked me, like i didn't exist. And i felt humiliated because he seemed to not notice or care.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 21:08

er, no

no sarky comments by text

tackle him about it properly or you will be on edge next time you go out together

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 21/09/2011 21:14

Leave her out of the equation - she was a silly women who obviously has low self esteem if she needs to behave that way. It seems as if your annoyance should be directed towards him for not noticing or caring, although to be fair you did say you didn't raise it at the time, so he probably didn't think it was a big deal.

Definitely don't send any more silly texts - if he did chat her up (and it doesn't sound as if he did) then speak to him properly about that and use the I statements I mentioned earlier.

HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 21:21

You see I'd have reminded her who was serving who...

Erm WAITRESS? Could you get me a glass of water please? Tap is fine, thanks love

Then, a few minutes later, ERM, WAITRESS, yes you love, could you get me some ICE please? thanks love you are really good at this...

And whatever else you can possibly think of. Have Miss FancyPants trotting to and from the kitchen like a loon!

IF she had the balls to remind you that she was the Manager, remind her that she is waiting on your table, so what else are you to call her, you see it, you say it

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 21:23

i think my partner has low self esteem. he is not coping so well with being older, never married and no kids. And now he is dating someone 10 years younger who has only ever dated young men. He's never flirted with anyone in front of me but does like the attention which to be honest i get - who doesn't want to feel that others find them attractive.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 21:27

oh, poor diddums Hmm

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 21:33

Hissy - i might just go back with an even more attractive man so that i can do that! - my girl friend said i can borrow her husband! Haha

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 21:49

Jenna, I am getting the sense that this guy is not great for you.

you are second guessing yourself, him, you are freaking out, you are feeling threatened.

I've had shop girls chat up my XDH, he was tall dark, handsome and charismatic. Used to get my goat to be honest. But ultimately I could trust him.

My X of the last 10 years wore me down to almost nothing, has probably told me a sack of shit about women hurling themselves at him, but tbh, I have seen some women in Egypt be really vile toward me, and try to cause a split, so they could have a shot at his wallet. It freaked me out. I hated it. There was a shop girl in London too that gave him her number, and I threatened to call the shop and complain.

FACT IS... HE could have refused it. HE could have binned it and I would never have known. He told me. Gloating.

Love, for whatever reason, your esteem is lower than it has been. Perhaps this guy is not good for you. I get the sense you may be young, did you perhaps think this older guy would make YOU feel better about yourself? In that he is not as attractive as you usually go for, so he'll be better, kinder, more grateful. It doesn't work like that.

The fact that he is never married, no kids and older does potentially point me to the idea that there is a reason for this, that perhaps he's no real catch.

If he has his head turned by a waitress, when you are sat right there in front of him, then what's going to happen when he's out and you are back at home, up to your ears in whiffy nappies and baby sick?

The only attention he needs to be lapping up is YOURS. He perhaps ought to have deferred to you at the table and made sure she involved you, or said something to her like, this is a table for 2 right? well kindly remember that my GF is sitting here and requires as much attention as I do.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 21:52

< pleased to see hissy getting on board >

OP, listen to hissy

you sound rather immature and lacking in self esteem yourself, OP

read and absorb all the posts that focus on firstly his behaviour

then secondly yours

and very finally hers

her behaviour is not the issue here

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 22:01

Well, you certainly have some valid points. I have found myself trying to be understanding because I don't want to seem controlling and possessive but at the end of the day, if i'm not enough now then i'm don't know how things will be if and when I get pregnant,

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 22:13

Trying to change yourself into a different person to please another never works for very long Sad

HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 22:31

Put the TTC on hold for now. You need to sort out a few things love.

You don't need to be being understanding and masking your emotions at this stage in a relationship.

Evaluate honestly what you are getting out of this relationship. Look at the positives AND negatives.

Quintessentialist · 21/09/2011 22:36

I second what AnyFucker and HerHissyness are saying. He does not sound like a catch at all. You are out for a meal, he is basking in the sunshine the waitress, for fucks sake THE WAITRESS is bestowing upon him, not noticing how rude she is to you.

Dont go and get pregnant by this man. At least wait until you are married.

First decide if you want to marry him, THEN go ahead and have kids with him. If you must. With such a man, I would especially ensure the right legal angle was covered. You dont plan to have children under these circumstances. That would be sillly. And you dont strike me as a silly girl.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 21/09/2011 22:50

Hang on, sensible posters (AF, hissy, Quint)...

Whilst you're almost certainly correct and Jen's chap is a twunt, Jen really doesn't want to wait to TTC, not if she's in her 40s. Assuming she doesn't have dc already, that is.

Mind I'd not trust him to be honest about his fertility status if he's that twuntish Confused

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 22:53

I haven't even picked up on the ttc thing (yet)

Quintessentialist · 21/09/2011 23:11

oh, in her fourties, that sort of changes things a little. But only a little, if she is prepared to be a single mum and want a baby more than she wants the relationship. I think. (But now I have had 3 glasses of wine in order to relieve my "having returned to the uk stress" I am currently experiencing, so should possibly just go to bed and leave mn to more able posters)

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 23:12

No, i've never had children and to be honest i left my last partner because he couldn't resist craving attention from other women - i didn't want a family with someone like that because I didn't trust that he would hand around. I was pregnant but had a termination - it was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life and it tore me apart. I was 38 then but felt that it wouldn't be fair to the child and something was telling me it wasn't right. I don't regret that decision but NEVER want to be in that situation again.

I'm now older and thought that an older guy would be clearer about what he wanted and be more mature. It would seem that I was wrong. I'm confused; on one hand i know I can't expect any man to just have eyes for me, i look at and appreciate other men but I don't flirt and go out of my way to get attention from them. He looks at women and whilst I don't always like it, it's natural to look when something you find attractive catches your eye.

Anyway, i'm so frightened that i've made another bad choice of man that sometimes i'm looking for the reasons to leave so that I never end up in the same situation that I was in previously. This weekend was the first time i've seen him be really smiley with another women and i seem to have lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. He is very attentive, supportive and caring. We have both ended up without a marriage and kids because we've made mistake and i guess we are now very cautious with each other. Yet, we both talk about having a family, future, moving out of London as if we have already decided that we are together long term.

So anyway, i'm constantly looking for the signs that he is not trustworthy because that is my fear.

OP posts:
kitya · 21/09/2011 23:17

You said you are used to dating younger men but you are in your forties? Tbh once you get to your 40's I don't think a man inhis 50's is that much older than you if that makes sense? I would deffo put off trying for a baby with this guy if he makes you feel so insecure. Having a baby will only make things worse. You enjoy eating out three nights a week now? That will all end for a start. He is out tonight? And you are already texting him, that's before you have a baby.

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 23:26

I feel as though we are the same age - we are both defo immature for our age! He is the first man i've ever met that i've wanted to have a baby with and i see myself having a future with; although that could also be my biological clock which only made an appearance in my life when i met him. Yeah, he was out with his cousin tonight and we ended up texting over boring practical stuff. I go out more than him, he's happier being at home with a book.

OP posts: