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Original poster

Restaurant Manager Flirting with my partner - Am i over reacting?

183 replies

JennaP · 19/09/2011 19:52

On Saturday 17th September, my partner and I went to eat at a restaurant in Chiswick, we have been there before and have usually enjoyed the food and good service. He arranged to go in advance and booked us a table for 8.30pm. We stood at the door and were greeted by the Manager/Maitre De.

We had to wait a few minutes for our table which she mumbled to me and then said to my boyfriend whilst placing her hand on his arm. She eventually sat us at out table and then proceeded to read the specials/ menu to my partner whilst completely ignoring me. I mentioned it to my partner and we tried to make a joke of it but he also noticed it when she came back later.

During the evening, she kept on coming back to clear his beer bottles and then when we ordered the bill from another waitress, she noticed that he had taken out his credit card and so came to collect the money, in doing so, she bent down far enough for me to be able to see down her dress and so I don?t doubt that my boyfriend could also see too. She also came back to bring our after dinner liquors. In fact, she spent more time at out table than the waitress did.

Given that it was a Saturday night and the restaurant was full, I think it?s interesting the disproportionate amount of time the manager gave to him. I would like to say the time she gave to serve us, but other than saying hello and goodbye she pretty much ignored me the whole time as she proceeded to be over friendly with him. As we left the restaurant, she said goodnight to me and said ?goodnight, it was nice to meet you? to my partner.

I was furious all weekend mostly because i did not say anything at the time! He's a typical bloke, he was so flattered by the attention that it didn't actually occur to him that she was being rude to me. I'm trying to workout if i am justified in my reaction or if my hormones have driven me crazy!!

Anyway, i was still made this morning and so I wrote a letter of complaint! Did i over react? Is this normal behaviour in London?

OP posts:
Morloth · 20/09/2011 12:54

Shecutofftheirtails I don't need to do an 'impression' of a confident, unthreatened woman, because I am the real deal.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/09/2011 13:50

Right, I have a theory. Well a few actually.

a) Your partner booked the table in his name. Therefore he is the host. With some styles of service this means that he (or indeed she) is the person to whom the Maitre d' addresses most of their questions and attention.

b) She is a shit Maitre d'

c) You are seriously over thinking this

I'm leaning towards a & b tbh - even if you do pay more attention to the host, you don't do so at the expense of their guest/s. She failed to read the signals. So is a bit of a crap Maitre d'.

I bloody hate the term bunny boiler btw. And hate that stupid, misogynistic film that it came from.

Original poster
JennaP · 20/09/2011 18:12

Ladies, thanks for all your comments: good, bad and ugly! I do have a jealous streak and accept this and am too old to lie to myself and pretend it's not there. But i'm not a bunny boiler (whatever that means) and i'm not a nutter. I've managed to get over 40 without getting into a screaming match, cat fight or writing a letter of complaint - that tells me that this grievance is genuine.

My reaction to this is not just about being insecure or possessive; i have very strong values around flirting with attached men - i don't do it. They are not everyone's values but they are mine.

Anyway, jealousy aside the service was bad and she was rude and her behaviour towards him just added fuel to the fire Angry I'm glad I wrote the letter (although If could edit a few bits I would) :)

As far as telling him about the mail, I already told him over the weekend that I was thinking of complaining - he was there and saw how she ignored me. No doubt he will find it funny, tell me i've made a tit of myself but respect me for doing what I think is right at the risk of making a fool of myself. Funnily enough, we both actually had dodgy stomachs from the food and so i'm hoping he'll never suggest going there again hahaha

OP posts:
aurynne · 20/09/2011 21:39

JennaP, I for once was making some light-hearted fun about your letter of complaint, but by no means approve of a customer being ignored. What I tried to explain is that women who flirt with men who are obviously in company of their female partners intend to actively bother the woman, and in this case you had proven to her that she had achieved her goal. That is the only reason I believe you made a fool of yourself.

I have actually been in a very similar situation to yours. In my case, I was house-hunting with my DP, and this (female) estate agent was obviously losing her pants for my DP. I am the type that actually finds that quite funny, it makes me feel proud to have a DP that rises passions in the feminine gender (ahem). What bothered me was the complete ignoring of me, who after all, was paying for half of the house and had equal contribution into the decision of buying the house or not. Even when I asked her a question, she would answer it TO HIM. I found it old-fashioned and rude.

Luck had it that my DP and I loved the house she was showing us, and we won it in the auction. As soon as this happened, I had the chance for my favorite kind of revenge: the one served cold. The estate agent needed a report from customers for her performance review, and she must have needed ours urgently, as not many houses were being sold (crisis). Of course, she phoned my DP... who communicated to her that he was really, really busy, so she would better deal with me, as he was sure I would be delighted to send a report of her excellent service. When I got her call I was all smiles and sweetness, "of course darling, of course I will send you a full report, just give me a couple of days". Two days went by. Another call from her. "Sorry who am I speaking to...? Oh yes of course... your report... it will be ready in a couple of days... Who did you say you were again?..." You get the picture. And she got no report. I could actually have written a very incisive one, but my annoyedness at her ignoring me was not big enough to try to make her lose her job. I am a kind soul :P.

garlicnutty · 20/09/2011 22:26

Right, I'm not going to put you down Jenna. The manager was rude and unprofessional. She failed to provide appropriate service.

I've complained VERY strongly when male clients, who were my guests, have been offered the choice of wine and the bill, etc (and don't get me started on restaurants that leave prices off the "ladies' menu"!) Angry

Dickishness needs to be called out in any circumstances. YANBU :)

Hullygully · 20/09/2011 22:41

yy

HerHissyness · 20/09/2011 23:24

finally! the voice (and whiffy breath) of reason! Wink

garlicnutty · 21/09/2011 11:20

Grin Hissy

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 18:48

Thanks garlicnutty...the voice of reason :)

OP posts:
OpenMouthInsertFoot · 21/09/2011 19:01

I don't understand why the OP is getting such a kicking. It is bloody ignorant to spend an evening flirting with someone, in front of their partner, while doing your best to ignore said partner's existance. Pig ignorant in fact. I would hit the roof if someone simpered round my husband while blanking me. It is rude. It is disrespectful. It is treating you like you simply don't matter. And when the person doing it is an employee of a place you are visiting, you can add unprofessional to that too!

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 19:49

I don't understand either but i'm guessing people have very different perspectives on what is and is not appropriate behaviour. I'm with you :)

OP posts:
DaydreamDolly · 21/09/2011 20:05

Apparently if you don't like women flirting with your OH in front of you, you must be terribly insecure Confused
You should smile sweetly and get on with it, FFS Smile
I got a kicking myself on this thread but I think it said more about them than it did me.
Jenna did you get a reply yet??

brianmayshair · 21/09/2011 20:06

OP i'm rather pleased you sent that letter, I hate this sort of behavior it is so rude, although i wouldn't have sent it myself Grin i just rant about it afterwards. Who cares what she thinks now perhaps she will check her behavior in the future.

As an aside i've been for dinner with my dad and this has happened and still find it just as rude eh hello, i'm sitting here.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 20:08

Jenna...have you had a word with your irresistable partner about his part in this ?

It's ok to get all puffed up about these predatory bitches who just wanna diss you and shag your fabulous bloke but what was he doung while she spilled her cleavage over his face ?

and what did he do to settle your insecurity afterwards ?

very little, I would say, since you are still so bothered by it now, several days later

I think your problem is with your partner

have you had a reply to your email yet ?

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 20:09

you can't even bring yourself to tell him that you sent said email

would he laugh at you ?

warthog · 21/09/2011 20:24

wow yanbu!

she ruined your evening out, what should have been a very pleasant dinner turned into a massive snub.

don't blame you at all, and glad you sent the letter. she shouldn't get away with that sort of behaviour.

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 20:32

Yes DDD you did.

I really don't give a shit what she thinks, after all she's the one that flirts with attached men and i actually don't care what my boyfriend thinks either - if he thinks her behaviour was acceptable then he's not the man for me. She was rude and inappropriate and I don't see why I should have to suck up bad service because I may come across as being insecure or a jealous girlfriend. People will bat back with all sorts of accusations just to justify their own bad behaviour. She was out of order and unprofessional.

I'm finding the right time to ask my boyfriend if he did anything to encourage her when he booked the table but to be honest, that would explain the flirting but not the rudeness and blanking me and I'm actually more annoyed about the latter.

Letter - No, i've heard nothing at all which I find really surprising and weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 20:36

He won't laugh. I don't think he had any idea how annoyed I was until I explained it to him. It's funny, as soon as asked him how he would feel if it was his sister in my shoes or even his mother his perspective changed. He didn't help because he was all smiley and tipped her - but that will keep for another time.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 20:37

btw what is YANBU?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 20:38

it will "keep" ?

get over your annoyance at this silly restaurant bint and sort your boyfriend out

she shouldn't have the power to bother you so much, if you felt more secure with him

AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 20:39

yabu...you are being unreasonable

Yanbu..you are not

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 20:41

AF you are right, i do also have a problem with him - he didn't stick up for me, he let her carry on ignoring me (as did I) and then he gave her a beaming smile (for the great service he received) and a tip. He was so flattered by the attention that he didn't seem to care about me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 20:45

Does he do this a lot, jenna ?

Do you feel lucky to be with him..a handsome, older guy ?

Original poster
JennaP · 21/09/2011 20:48

I don't actually know how to approach it with him???? what do I ask? Did you chat her up when you went to book the table? Did you give her the impression you were single? Why didn't you say something to involve me? Why did you tip her when the service was bad? They all sound like like i don't trust him, i'm insecure and possessive.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2011 20:50

A decent bloke (one who doesn't have a very receptive ego) would have made a point of asking your opinion right in front of her

Of saying "Just a minute, my partner might like to order her own drinks" for example

and would have made a point of being attentive to you, not joining in the snub and making you feel insignificant

you sound so upset by it, there was no way he "wouldn't have noticed"

she has no loyalty to protecting your feelings, but I assume you would expect him to have ?

why didn't he ?

and why haven't you told him you have made a formal complaint ?

I suspect you are transferring here...moving your distress at his behaviour to her

very comon, very understandable, but not really very healthy

because what wil you do the next time he ignores your distress ?

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