Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship - my story

[preciouslittlegems]

Sorry, this is long! I'm just not sure what to think about a conversation I had earlier with DH. He was not joking and this is set in the context of a relationship that has broken down and we no longer share a bedroom. He is bitter as he wants things to return to the way they were, for us both to compromise. I don't want to because he has been quite severely empotionally abusive and I don't want to get emotionally involved with him again, as I feel it is not a good place for me to be. I am being supported the local DV service because of the abuse. I am finding it really hard to leave the relationship because I don't know how he will react and today's conversation has made me even more uncertain (he has also threatened to kill himself many times).

I was preparing dinner with a sharp knife. He came up to me and told me not to stab him with it (he said the same thing last week). I took it as a joke and replied I'm not in the habit of killing people. He, speaking quite seriously, told me that he often thinks about killing people and asked if I do. I said no, of course not. He said he was surprised given the state of our relationship. He said he thinks less about stabbing people and more about suffocating and poisoning people. He said he lays awake at night thinking about it a lot. I was stunned at this point but decided to find out more. I asked if there was any one in particular he thought about killing (I could see where this was heading) and he said it was me he thought about, in particular poisoning. I calmly told him that he would go to prison and he said only if found out. I told him that he would be a prime suspect and he then went on a bit about things I do that upset him, including sharing with family and friends things he would rather I didn't (the abuse). I asked how he planned to poison me he said he wouldn't tell me because I would run off and phone someone and tell them. I asked if that was the only reason he wouldn't tell me, as I would not have a clue how to poison someone. He said that I have no idea what he knows and that he knows a lot more than I realise.

I sound very calm above but I don't feel it. This has freaked me out and is the reason I don't leave as I am unsure what he is capable of. He has mentioned poison to me a few times, e.g. told me there is poison in my cup of tea he has made me as he hands it to me (for no reason).

Am I being paranoid? Should I laugh it off? Am I unable to take a joke? He was definitely not joking but if I asked him about it again or involved other people, he would say I couldn't take a joke. He regularly makes really nasty comments to me. Since the incident he has been in a bad mood and barely talked to me apart from to shout a bit and criticise various things I have done and the state of the house.

I would just value any views. Do you think he has said this to frighten me to behave and be a proper wife again and not leave, or is there something more sinister to worry about? I feel this is the last straw but I am scared. I feel trapped.

He's playing the 'reasonable man' role to the hilt, isn't he? This is because he'll be able to convincingly occupy the moral highground when playing the 'broken man' - telling others how he agreed to everything you wanted, just as he always devoted himself to being a good h to you and f to his dc, always made sure you wanted for nothing blah blah, but nothing he did was enough for you, you were never satisfied, he just can't understand why you upped and left yada yada.

Some poor women is going to be taken in by his spiel sometime soon but, hallelujah, the scales have dropped from your eyes bigtime and now you'll always see him for what he is - and know that what you, and others, see on the outside does not reflect what's going on in his head.

As you've said, ex parte applications for occupation orders are usually successful and, although you suffered considerable abuse, it seems that your solicitor took the view that you didn't have a documented history of domestic violence that would support an application for an emergency order.

However, as you've proved, leaving an abuser is ALWAYS the right thing to do and, had you not obtained an occupation order, I have no doubt that Women's Aid would have helped and supported you in finding alternative accommodation.

I do hope you're beginning to relax in your own home. The worst is over but you will need to be vigilant with regard to the stxh for some time to come.

If he doesn't latch on to some other poor sap soon I suspect that he'll launch a concerted campaign to woo/win you in early December. After all, Christmas is a time to let bygones be bygones and gather the family around the hearth, isn't it? To which your answer will be 'in your dreams, mate'

He's thrown himself into his work, from what I have heard, and is spending more time away. Perhaps an opportunity to meet someone new. He seems to want to be reasonable, or at least that is what he is saying to a third party. I'm not sure if he is playing the poor me trick, as the only people that I have been in contact with that have talked to him too are wishing to remain neutral. I'm back at work on MOnday and am starting to regret not asking for another week off. I've still got lots to sort,

Poor me' won't ever be said by him because he's artful enough not to play the 'self pity' card as he knows that others will be pitying him and thinking 'poor man' after he's spun his tale of all he did for his dw/dc etc.

As for him being reasonable, you've lived with him long enough to know that he's far from being the 'reasonable man' that he projects to others.

Never lose sight of the fact that he's a plausible liar, precious, otherwise you'll find yourself doubting your own sanity, wondering if you imagined half of what he did/said and wondering if you've done the right thing.

I seem to recall that you mentioned he works from home on occasion? I suspect that 'throwing himself into his work' will also include visiting internet dating sites rather than browsing through poisons and their effect/detectability.

Give it a couple of weeks and when you've got more time to yourself, create a fictitious persona and register on Plenty of Fish or other free dating sites. You don't have to submit a photo of yourself but you'll get to see descriptions and photos of 'potential dates' - bear in mind he'll most probably knock a few years off his age.

There's a current internet dating site thread on the Relationships board - you'll find all the advice you need to find out if he's reinvented himself and is making himself available through the net.

ON the other hand Izzy, why bother trying to catch him out? a) It is better to move on from him and b) hooray if he gets someone else (although obv not for new woman) as it will mean he is off OP's back.

I'm suspicious curious by nature Katisha, and in the case of sociopaths I prefer to be a few steps ahead of them.

Precious may feel entirely differently, but if she is ever tempted to resume her relationship with stbx she is best advised to adopt my approach.

As I've previously said, I suspect that precious's stbx has already hinted to others that she may have another man because why else would she leave an h who has worked so hard to provide for her and dc blah blah?

If my suspicions are correct, precious may find it useful if she is able to cite evidence that will give the lie to his lies/assertions.

Yes, I think he will be looking now and off with someone soon. Otherwise, I don't feel he would have given up on me so quickly. I had evidence that he might have been on a "horny singles" dating site a year ago, but wasn't 100% sure. He was talking about wanting another woman to love him before we split because I clearly didn't want him anymore. He made a lot of references to moving out and leaving me and the kids (because we were disfunctional) and looking for another woman. He's apparently been working away, which means nights in hotels and plenty of opportunities to meet someone. I hope he does meet someone soon, so I can be sure he doesn't turn his attentions back to me. He is currently not allowed to see the DC and, again, I am surprised at how well he seems to have taken this. The fact that he went on a lads weekend away the week after I left him seemed very odd to me.

On a more practical note - I went to see my DV worker today. She was very helpful but suggested I check the situation with changing the locks or adding door bolts myself with my solicitor. I'm not happy with the keys in the door, as we have glass panels. She has also recommended counselling for both children and possibly family counselling too. I am now trying to contact the counsellor to get an appointment.

It's not a good idea to leave keys in locks on the inside of entry doors where there are glass panels.

Just get on and change the locks, precious. Ignorance may be no defence in the eyes of the law, but you weren't to know that your occupation order forbade you from making your home secure nor could you do anything other than change them when you lost your keys or a key broke - you certainly won't be committing a criminal offence by changing them.

After all the high intensity emotional drama of the past few weeks, you may find that you dip into the somewhat despondent trough of an anti-climax and I hope you're being kind to yourself and, where possible, you're taking it one day at a time.

I also hope that you're going to be doing some fun things this weekend that will encourage all of you to feel that life it getting back to normal, but that your normal is so much happier than what you experienced within the whole family unit - of which, needless to say, there was only one dysfunctional member who is now, thankfully, out of the picture.

Your dc and, ultimately, yourself will benefit from therapy/counselling and I'm confident that by New Year you'll feel that you've all turned the corner.

Never forget what you've achieved in such a short space of time, precious, and take the knowledge that after this you can cope with anything forward with you into the future.

As for stbxh, just know that he no longer has the power to hurt you and that with every day that passes you'll grow stronger without him in your life.

When I was in a DV (physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually) situation, I added a key lock (was a hardwood door) when I got him out and put an extra bolt on the inside. Unfortunately, I got a solicitors letter through saying I couldn't do this and to give exh a set. I had a set and left them in the house as I wasn't about to take then to him and I then went away for 10 days, returned to find he'd broken into the house through a dodgy kitchen window, taken the key and I felt very vulnerable...he never did try to get in whilst I was there though.

The thing is, unless money isn't an issue, putting a new key lock on is an expensive thing to do and if he decides he wants to take issue with it, you'll have to give him a key anyway. Not sure what the answer is, but this was my experience.

I agree WHK however he is not allowed to come within 75m of the house for 9 months, so I'm not sure how he could legally know I had changed the locks. If he complains, then I know he has broken the court agreement.

Izzy, I am indeed starting to suffer a bit of a dip emotionally. I've started to look round the house and notice things we bought or did together. I also have a bit of a feeling of "is that it". I've felt a bit low today.

What you are feeling is entirely natural, precious. When you left stbxh your emotions were on full power high octane adrenaline and during the past few weeks you've had incredible highs and lows but your eyes were set firmly on a target - namely, your application to the Court and the date of the Hearing.

You then experienced a moment of exhilaration, a vindication of your actions, followed by sublime relief, as if a weight had been lifted from your shoulders, but now you're back to the daily grind and having to play a waiting game until divorce and finances are finalised.

However triumphant you felt at being able to move back into the marital home, it may now seem as if you haven't 'moved on' and, of course, the very bricks of your house together with the contents are continual reminders of the history of your relationship with stbxh.

If there are items that have memories attached that are not needed, either junk them or store them away somewhere they can't be seen. Re-arrange furniture, maybe even move rooms around - swap the bedroom you shared with stbxh with one of the dcs and buy new bedlinen.

No matter how low the outside temperature may be at the moment, pick a dry day and open every window and door - let some fresh air in to clear away any residue of stbxh that may be lingering. Clean the windows, wash curtains and any fabric items that may imprinted with unwelcome scents.

Consider painting the hallway a different colour so that you have an impression of walking into your new home everytime you enter the house - because no matter how much you revisit or are reminded of the past, you now have the opportunity to make the house you live in yours.

Of course you're exeriencing feelings of 'is that it' and you're going to have days when you feel low. You mentioned that you'd thought about leaving stbxh a couple of years ago and whenever, or however, you left your marriage, you'd be experiencing the same feelings of an anti-climax.

Adjusting to life as a single parent after divorce/separation can be a slow process and, no matter how amicable the event was, it can be accompanied by feelings of sadness, anger, grief, despair, and hopelessness, among others.

Gradually, the dark clouds do lift and please be assured that the sun will shine for you again once you have recovered from the shock and trauma of the recent past, and have rediscovered yourself. In the meantime, watch as many comedies as you can because laughter is the best tonic for low spirits.

You mentioned that the possibiility of moving to a smaller house after divorce - start looking online and in local papers/estate agents' windows to see what's available with a view to working out the type of house that you would like to live in.

Picture your dream house and imagine how you'll decorate it, furnish it, and how you'll feel living there. ' See' the future 'you' want for yourself and dc - and make it happen.

You could cover over the glass door panels, as a temporary measure. Just use some duct tape to tape a colourful scarf or piece of fabric over the glass panels - will just look like you've hung a curtain on the inside and will hide the fact that the key is in the lock. Not a permanent solution I know, but might help in the short term.

I've just finished reading this thread (and namechanged to reply).

I went through a very similar scenario 2 yrs ago. I am still searching for an explanation as to what happened and why, so it has been helpful reading all these posts.

My xdp warned me from early on that he was a bad man. It's amazing how you hear these words yet don't listen or react. He threatened to bury me and told me where he'd hide my body and how easy it would be for him. He confessed, during his breakdown, how he had fought all his life to control his bad thoughts but they were getting the better of him. The last year with him was like living with a ticking bomb.

Izzy, you would recognise him. A lot of your posts have described him.

OP, hugs x

It's estimated that 4% of the male population are sociopaths. IMO 10% would be a more accurate figure.

Was your x's breakdown real or was it another of his 'performances,yctmf?

yctmf - how are you now? Have you managed to rebuild your life?

I was so upset when I went through old diaries and saw how me and the DC had been treated and how I had largely ignored all that was going on. Partly because it became normal and partly because I was too busy getting on with life - kids, busy job etc. My XH said on many occasions that he was a bad person, that he was going to hell and that he was having bad thoughts. He also told me on 1 other occasion that he was going to kill me (aside from the numerous poison references). He gave me a cup of tea a couple of months ago and told me there was arsenic in it. When I queried why, he said "to poison you; to kill you because there is no point in our relationship anymore." I noted it then rushed off to work for another busy day and largely forgot the incident. I will never know if he just said these things to frighten me or if he had a more sinister intent but his references to the bad thoughts etc do make me wonder if he was giving serious thoughts to harming me.

This is what I am dealing with now and finding very upsetting. That someone I loved could think such things. I've gone back to work this week and am getting into a routine with the children but I don't feel at all happy. The DC's seem to be settling down, thankfully. I have spoken to CAFCAS today and we have a hearing at the end of the month about contact arrangements for X and the DC. I am still very concerned about his ability to deal with them but I also feel the DSs need a relationship with their Dad.

Precious, no words of advice because I've never experienced this. Just wanted to say that your courage humbles me. I send you strength.

Sorry you're sad again precious, try to remember that not everybody behaves the way you would. You are a good and kind person, it is easy to assume that everyone's like that - and if they are not it is because you have done something wrong, or that something from outside has made them be like that. Remember he is not like you. Is it possible that your relationship exists precisely because you are so optimistic about human nature? That he's only able to get away with doing what he did not any more because the language of abuse simply does not compute with you?

Oh Precious it's a lot to come to terms with, isn't it? It's very common to minimise the abuse, and it really does become normal so you become inured to it. But now that you're out of 'prison' it's all starting to hit you. I didn't have blatant threats like you, but I was in an abusive relationship. 6 months on I'm still regularly taken aback by what I 'accepted'.

Therapy and the Freedom Programme are helping me. Also www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1308894-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-5

It will get easier.

I'm glad that you are getting support that is helping you, ThereGoes. I think I need to look into counselling. I did a Freedom Programme over the summer and can attend a support group attached to it now. Part of me feels very strong and focused on making a better life for me and the boys and part of me feels very weak for having accepted what I did for so long. I should have left 2.5 years ago. It would have been so much better for the boys as they would have been younger and witnessed less.

I've just caught up with this thread as I didn't realise it had been transferred here . What can I say Precious, you are amazing. A big wow to Ravenous too for helping you. I am so happy you and your DCs are safe. I hope things get better. All the best chuck.

Precious, everything is easier in hindsight. Don't beat yourself up for what didn't happen in the past, look at what's happening now and what your plan's are for the future; that's what's important.

You can't change the past, but you can use it as a lesson to change the future.

Thank you all for your kind words. I'll go to bed a bit happier. I really need to get more sleep!

izzy I'm still trying to work that one out. He did appear to have a crisis. It was very convenient though and certainly bought about some changes that suited him. He asked for help but when it came to it (medication/psychiatry) he had lots of excuses not to accept it.

precious you will feel upset when you look back. I find myself still having flashes of memory of things I had forgotten:

the time I left him to bath 8wk old dd1, he was annoyed as he wanted me there. A scream. I rushed back to the bathroom. A bemused dp handing me back the screaming baby. Later I find the big bruise that looked like a pinch mark on dds bottom. No explanation. Dp shrugging, looking so innocent.

I moved on by doing exactly that: moving. Back to where I used to live, back to old friends and family, stepping back into something of my old life. I found Me again. Very cathartic.

yctmf - my XH was similar. He went on ADs but only half-heartedly went to the CBT and counselling offered. He felt they would not be useful.

I won't be able to move back to an "old me" because where I live is where I have lived the longest in my life. I don't have a "home town" that I grew up in because we moved around a lot. I'm happy where I am and have lots of friends. My family is scattered in various corners of the UK. I do want a change however, I would like to move to a smaller house that is all mine and the DC support that. I hope to move to the next village where we would all rather live anyway as it is where the schools and transport links are to make life easier. It is also a really lovely village. Once we get this house on the market, I can get me and the DS's excited about moving and picking a new home..

I feel a bit happier today. I've organised and sorted a few things that will make life easier - things that he would always have done for us. Me and DS1 even mucked out the chickens (wearing work clothes and school uniform in the pouring rain). So I can do it if I need to. I've also been back to work and everyone has been so supportive, even though most people don't know why I wasn't there.

My family was in the forces so we moved around lots too, and "home" happens to be, like you, where I lived longest.

Moving to a new house helped me psychologically but also set different boundries. He did follow me to where I moved but he no longer felt he had the right to walk in as if he still lived there. He's disappeared now. I knew the only way he would leave me alone was by meeting someone else, so hopefully that has happened.

There's you mucking out chickens in the rain and me mucking out horses in the rain. It's really grounding