Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship - my story

[preciouslittlegems]

Sorry, this is long! I'm just not sure what to think about a conversation I had earlier with DH. He was not joking and this is set in the context of a relationship that has broken down and we no longer share a bedroom. He is bitter as he wants things to return to the way they were, for us both to compromise. I don't want to because he has been quite severely empotionally abusive and I don't want to get emotionally involved with him again, as I feel it is not a good place for me to be. I am being supported the local DV service because of the abuse. I am finding it really hard to leave the relationship because I don't know how he will react and today's conversation has made me even more uncertain (he has also threatened to kill himself many times).

I was preparing dinner with a sharp knife. He came up to me and told me not to stab him with it (he said the same thing last week). I took it as a joke and replied I'm not in the habit of killing people. He, speaking quite seriously, told me that he often thinks about killing people and asked if I do. I said no, of course not. He said he was surprised given the state of our relationship. He said he thinks less about stabbing people and more about suffocating and poisoning people. He said he lays awake at night thinking about it a lot. I was stunned at this point but decided to find out more. I asked if there was any one in particular he thought about killing (I could see where this was heading) and he said it was me he thought about, in particular poisoning. I calmly told him that he would go to prison and he said only if found out. I told him that he would be a prime suspect and he then went on a bit about things I do that upset him, including sharing with family and friends things he would rather I didn't (the abuse). I asked how he planned to poison me he said he wouldn't tell me because I would run off and phone someone and tell them. I asked if that was the only reason he wouldn't tell me, as I would not have a clue how to poison someone. He said that I have no idea what he knows and that he knows a lot more than I realise.

I sound very calm above but I don't feel it. This has freaked me out and is the reason I don't leave as I am unsure what he is capable of. He has mentioned poison to me a few times, e.g. told me there is poison in my cup of tea he has made me as he hands it to me (for no reason).

Am I being paranoid? Should I laugh it off? Am I unable to take a joke? He was definitely not joking but if I asked him about it again or involved other people, he would say I couldn't take a joke. He regularly makes really nasty comments to me. Since the incident he has been in a bad mood and barely talked to me apart from to shout a bit and criticise various things I have done and the state of the house.

I would just value any views. Do you think he has said this to frighten me to behave and be a proper wife again and not leave, or is there something more sinister to worry about? I feel this is the last straw but I am scared. I feel trapped.

Izzy, that's scarily in line with what we've been thinking...

One thing which has surprised me is that the orders will be applied for in a contested hearing, not ex parte, as the solr doesn't think there are sufficient grounds . I'll obviously be with Precious at court (despite my DH's request not to get involved , so how will (D)H seek to come across? Will a judge be aware of EA, and of the drip drip drip of behaviour? Yes there's the most recent event and a few other lowlights, but the rest could conceivably be seen as just the events of an unhappy and subsequently failing marriage and not one which requires the court's interference.

Oh my God! I just sat and did that and my 'D'H scored 28! :(

Will you guys follow if this is moved to OTBT? Precious doesn't want to lose your invaluable support but is concerned people have access to this thread who really shouldn't (not H, don't worry..)

Good idea ravenous

I'm curently packing at my house and don't have much time. i will look at the posts later but started reading the first ones this morning and just wanted to say to izzy that he did score a "2" for all the questions you listed except question 3. i know he has told me lies when confronted with his behaviour, e.g. he denies or minimises it or says it was a joke when clearly it wasn't. He might tell a bit of a lie to get something he wants. He sometimes remembers a situation very differently to other people but I wouldn't describe him as a habitual liar.

I was so shocked when I read this and it made me feel upset. OP, please please understand that this man is a real danger to you and your children. I am very glad that you are packing to leave.

I know it's hard to leave and you will have memories of times with him which perhaps make it hard for you to believe that he's serious in what he says. But people don't joke about things like this.

Whether he is ill or a psychopath, he represents a real threat to your safety. I hope that you will move somewhere safe asap preciouslittlegems.

OTBT?

Precious has left her H electra; she has been staying with a friend since Monday and she is only at the marital home for a couple of hours today to collect essentials while he is away for the weekend.

If you read the thread, you'll see that in precious's case leaving her home has presented her with issues that are, as yet, unresolved and that, as is often the case, finding the courage to leave an abusive spouse or partner is one thing - finding the strength of mind and other resources to stay away can be an entirely different matter.

I'll return to this thread later, precious, but in the meantime is your H aware that you have consulted lawyers, when is it anticipated that your applications for Orders will be heard and, more importantly, when will your H be served with notice of your application?

Will you be represented in Court by a solicitor or is the intention to seek opinion from Counsel and appoint a barrister? Will your case be funded by legal aid? Also, is the marital home in your joint names and how old are your dc?

With regard to question 3 of the quiz, IME many sociopaths are not habitual liars in the sense that they appear to be incapable of telling the truth and that nothing they say can be trusted.

Sociopaths are manipulative; some have learned that projecting an outward persona of apparent honesty is the best policy in terms of both their personal social acceptability and social approbation and to this extent they frequently lie to others.

On this basis your score for that particular question is 2

I'll ask for this to be moved across so Precious can answer the questions later.

Thankyou!

hi just a heads up that where you've linked to this thread in divorce/separation it auto reroutes to the thread in otbt raven. not sure if that compromises the privacy of this thread?

Hi Swallowed, no, if you're not logged in it doesn't let you see this page, even if you click on a link to it. Just tried it.

oh i see - it was non members you were concerned about.

how are things going with the OP?

Yes, the OP's son has been reading the thread... Precious will hopefully be back later to update - she's been at the MH for a few hours this weekend, but time is ticking as H is due back today, so she's a but pushed for time.

I managed to pack everything we need for home and school yesterday and have brought it back to my friend's house. At least the DC will have thier own clothes and will be able to do everything they need to for school. H will be back again soon to the house, after his weekend away. Hw left a note for me and the DC and evidently expected that we would be staying in the house over the weekend, while he was away. We didn't. He made no provision for the pets to be fed and just expected that we would do it, which of course I did as the animals shouldn't suffer.

When he gets back there is a letter waiting for him from my solicitor. It says nothing about the orders I have applied for but requests no contact with the DC's. The solicotr advised against giving him notice of any orders. The DC's are 8 and 13. H should be served with notice on Wednesday with the court hearing hopefully on Friday. I believe that I am being represented by my solicitor, I never thought to check. I will not get legal aid. The home is in joint names.

well done on the stuff gathering mission precious.

be ready for the possibility that coming home to find stuff gone and a solicitor's letter might cause him to get nasty. nothing he can do if you're safe at your friends, i just mean be prepared for a shite storm of texts, calls etc. hopefully he won't.

how are the dc's doing? sorry dc1 was reading thread - how did you find out and how did it effect him?

take good care x

Well done for getting everything you needed.

The solicitor may instruct a barrister if hearing is at a higher court than magistrates, but they can also act as advocate themselves now.

Phone the solicitor tomorrow, it is always good to be prepared as it will reduce your anxiety on the day.

I hope him receiving the letter will not result in a barrage of nasty communication, but be prepared for backlash and keep all texts/voicemails as they can be used as evidence. Contact solicitor straight away if this does happen along with the police, so that they can see the evidence and it can be used as part of your case.

Best of luck x

H will have got the letter by now but I have heard nothing from him. I think he is texting my DS1 quite a bit but I am not interfering as long as the content stays appropriate and does not affect him.

DS1 knew that I liked to look on MN and found the thread himself. He likes to know exactly what is going on, hence making it harder to find.

Both DS's are desperate to get home. I just hope I am successful in getting the house back but I really don't know what I will do, if not.

worst comes to worst you have to rent until divorce and forced sale or residency ruling gets made (probably got it all wrong in legal terms but ykwim).

have you sorted out bank accounts etc so that only you have access to your salary and CB and have you started applying for things you may be entitled to now such as ctc?

If there was nothing particularly contentious in the solicitor's letter that he found on his return and there was nothing to indicate that more will come, I think your H will play it cool.

Maybe later today (this evening) or tomorrow you'll receive some communication from him but I suspect it'll be more of the same - i.e. he'll get counselling etc.

As for when notice of your application is served on him, he'll be outraged, seething with white hot anger, but I reckon he's cunning enough not to show it.

I'm somewhat concerned that ds1 has apparently read this thread - do you have any idea how far he got up to? What contact has he had with his df?

If a solicitor's letter hadn't been waiting for him, it's likely you would have heard from him sooner rather than later - it would have been along the lines of him having time to think while he was away, wants to make it up to you, you can work it out together, he'll get counselling etc - and if there was nothing particularly contentious in the content of the missive, that may still happen.

You mentioned judges and EA. All Court appointed officials take part in regular training sessions but it's fair to say that, as with so many dv issues, EA can be difficult to subtantiate without witness statement(s) in support.
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I trust that your particulars of claim/affidavit make it clear that you left the marital home in fear of your life, and that the 'poison' and 'stabbing' conversations that took place the day/night before you left was not the first occasion that your H mentioned these subjects in a way that left you terrified of what he might do.

I understand why your solicitor chose not to opt for ex parte applications but, nevertheless, defended Hearings can become protracted affairs and I hope that won't be the case for you.

How are you feeling, precious? This has been a traumatic experience for you and, regardless of what happens in the near future, it will take you some considerable time to feel that you are back in any way to 'normal'.

I have been writing my statement today, going through the old diaries that I have kept. I have only just finished now and am exhausted. The statement is far too long but there was so much to put in. I will have to leave it to the solicitor to cut down, as it is hard for me to miss anything out I feel is important. I have a virus coming on, with a sore throat and I feel a bit off colour - so I'm struggling a bit. it's probably only the beginnings of a cold but I am tired and I don't normally get ill.

Ravenous is coming over tomorrow morning to take me to the solicitors to agree and sign everything off. She is being an absolute star.

I have cried lots writing the statement. I wish I had gone through my diaries like this over a year ago. I see it so clearly now and cannot believe that I allowed this to happen to me and the kids. He was HORRIBLE consistently over the past 3 years. He regularly did not speak to us, argued criticised, ignored, and said such nasty things to me and the kids and said horrible things about our friends and family. He was so controlling and regularly told me what to do and think. Why did I put up with it? I think I may need counselling over this. I am really upset. He talked about poisoning on many occasions - I am shocked now I look back, as I had forgotten just quite how many, although it was not as overt as last Sunday.

Stay strong precious. Standing ovation to you and Ravenous. Do get the counselling and read some books.

In some ways, you have been tricked by a conman out of 3 years of your life. Perhaps it will help to look at it like that. (Forgive me if it doesn't!)

precious, hold on, you're doing really well. Get counselling, it will certainly help you sort out your head, and it feels sooooo good to get it all out. It's over bar the shouting now. You don't need to be afraid of him any more, walk on eggshells with him, hold things in, worry about his moods; none of it.

Ravenous, you're brilliant. I wish I had a friend like you (I probably do, but you never find out who your stars are until you need them, do you?).

Thinking of you, precious, and you Ravenous. Good luck tomorrow. Inspirational, the pair of you.